Thanks Doc. This is beautifully written. My egg cracked in March 2009. (There were hints from about 2005.) And I love my life as a trans woman. I'm 66 now, and going in for a gender affirming surgery on 31-Oct. Zero hesitation. Looking wildly forward to it.
When my egg cracked I knew things about myself I couldn't un-know. One of those was that the only way forward was to transition. I was on HRT within 6 weeks - mostly *because* I knew it would take time to work and I needed that underway to tackle other parts of transitioning. I've been told I'm "speed-running" and that's probably not too far off the mark!
As hard as it is to transition, it's harder *not* to.
I'm very nearly four years in transition, and I just last week finished the very last, tail-end thing that marked the end of my active transition. So, when I say I know what you mean by speedrunning, believe me, I get it.
Wow, this post sent me down another rabbit hole. I've been reading my old journal entries and looking at my calendar, recalling the period after seeing that webcomic. I had doubts during that first week, but I faced them directly, and they all fell. When I started trying to find a referral for HRT, I knew it would be reversible for quite some time, and that eased my fear of the unknown. But by the time I saw my "gender doctor" for the first time, I was anxious to start, with no doubts remaining.
Truth be told, I knew where I was headed from the moment I saw Greg's eyes go wide. For me, it was less a leap of faith than letting my eyes open after squeezing them shut for decades.
It's been fourteen months since I opened my eyes. With the emotions coming back to me today, I want to express my deepest gratitude for posting that "egg beacon" and for your support as I took my first real breaths in the sunlight.
I’ve been fighting to get access to hormones for almost three years. (Unfortunately, there is no informed consent in Belgium.) And the weird thing is that once I finally got greenlit I felt totally spent. I’ve now been waiting for two months on whether to get the hormones. My mind makes up the most insane excuses. But who am I kidding. I can’t run from this. Yes. I too will take this leap of faith.
Thank you for your wise words. They always seem to land in my inbox at just the right moment.
- Nova (formerly Max)
[edit 18-10-2024] It’s Nova, writing from beyond the Matrix (😉). Well I took the red pill 2 days after writing the original message in the beginning of October. I can honestly say that this leap of faith has been one of the best decisions in my life. I feel wonderful and at peace. I’m excited for life again. I feel reborn.
So for anyone who too is hesitating to take this leap I can say only this: it’s worth it. May you live long and prosper. ✨
Definitely sums it all up. Today is my 10 month HRT anniversary. I am finally coming out to colleagues, more family, and friends. So far, so good. My wife is still having a very hard time with some of it. She has been having really bad luck with therapists, so that is not helping. Thanks for another wonderful article. Every little bit helps.
My unhelpful fear isn't that I'll regret things but that I'm not properly trans or something, I'd really feels strange to even type out. Like sure low regret rates but is it right for me to even start? Sigh
Massive untreated ADHD task avoidance/executive dysfunction has caused me to avoid confronting things like I should as well
I've known a lot of queers for a very long time. I tried to do the "denial cisgay" thing. I was afraid enough of the sentence "i'm trans', that I maintained this two-paragraph long enby identity for like 15 years. All of that basically just evaporated with estrogen, and became "i'm a lesbian"
Through all of that, I haven't met a single person who is "not really trans". I've sure met a bunch of people that would be happier if they started their transition, though. Only you can ever know if it's right for you, but if you're thinking you might be trans, there's a pretty high chance that you're just actually trans, and once you have the clarity of the hormones, it'll be super obvious.
Fourteen months after my egg cracked, I still feel an occasional pang of doubt about my identity. But it passes quickly because I think about how happy I am now, how grateful I am every day for my transition.
I still get emotional when I think about that week. I know I've thanked you quite a few times, but I want to thank you again. You planted the seed that started my life.
I've been doing what I can with my blog, and I just started a YouTube series aimed at a broader audience. Since I transitioned, I've been genuinely happy, basically all the time, and I want to share my mindset. If you could share it, I'd appreciate it because your reach is a lot greater than mine. My YouTube handle is iamviolet0823.
TBH, I'm absolutely slammed right now, and I like to vet materials really thoroughly before I boost them. I'll try and circle back when my life isn't a massive typhoon, but it'll be a bit. 💜
I like how this essay frames the choice we make. It is a truly terrifying choice, and like the Matrix, all is not settled after you first make that choice. You have to keep making it. There are things you will fear all along the way.
There's a quote from a movie I think about when I consider whether I should talk to others about what it's like to transition, whether it's responsible to share with people who might be figuring out whether they should leap.
"If I may make a suggestion, it's a children's book, right?"
"Right."
"They are not supposed to scare the living shit out of the children."
I have let go and leapt. I am still in the middle of the air; I am still reaching for the other side.
I know the odds of landing on the other side are with me, but until I do I can't help but be aware of the chasm below.
It was and still is scary as fuck.
Yet I have reached the other side so many times already.
It is. I don't know if there is a way to think about the leap except as an embrace? And that is love. You embrace who you are, even though you might not know exactly who that is yet - you have never let yourself know that person - but whoever it is you know you love them.
But I'm just a baby, 9 months of HRT and coming up on one year since my egg cracked. I try to say what this all means as I try to learn about my new life, and then reinvent it all again with each new day.
Those of us who cracked, who *knew* they would transition if possible, and waited a long time for reasons can attest how the need grows stronger, your mental health gets worse, how whatever joy you felt in life slowly fades away.
One concern not mentioned above is the very real fear of consequences for even trying HRT.
Unless a person is willing to DIY and hide/lie what they are doing from everyone close, including spouses, taking this step involves vulnerability. To doctors. To partners. And in less-than-ideal circumstances those have lasting consequences to consider as well.
This is not a cautionary note. It's just that even dipping your toe in the water can bring undeserved misery into your life. And fear of *that* can be a blocker as well.
Very much the same. The idea of aging into an old man was too much.
A few days after my birthday in 2020, I finally admitted to myself that transitioning was something I absolutely needed to do. I couldn't put it off any longer. I haven't had a single doubt what I wanted for my transition since then.
Maybe not the right forum for this, but I find it interesting how often we seem to use "boy/girl" and not "man/woman" (not calling you out in particular, it just sparked my thought <3 ). As a clinical psychologist, the thinking/emoting/relating bits of transgenderism and transition are endlessly fascinating to me (with a healthy helping of "of course we all get into doing therapy because we really need it ourselves" :P ). I do the same thing, btw - I am far more comfortable referring to myself as a "girl" than a "woman." My untested and unconfirmed speculation is that our "transition" into adulthood never really addressed a lot of the core needs and identity issues that girls face every day growing up (as opposed to those boys face, which we did experience and reached nominal "manhood" as poorly as that may have fit). And I wonder if, in ten years, I will feel more comfortable identifying as a "woman" than a "girl."
That aside, I add my continuing thanks for Doc's ever insightful writings (and have to admit, redfaced, that despite being peripherally aware that the Matrix was regarded as heavily influenced by transgender ideology, I didn't catch it when I was younger and haven't revisited it since my own eggcrack - so this is an interesting line for me to dig deeper as well!).
I'm nonbinary and transfemme. Boy and man are absolutely repulsive, and woman feels inaccurate, but girl fits me. I think it's because lots of queer folks use girl for lots of other queer folks so the implication is less binary, who knows though.
I use “boy/girl” when talking about the process of transitioning the fleshmeats, and “man/woman” when talking about who I am. I don’t know why, though.
If I were young (pick any “young “ age), at this particular time with all the wonderful medical advances, the choice would actually be far easier. But here I am at 67 with two adult children and 3 grandchildren that I adore…I am so afraid of blowing everything up and being alone for my final years. This family is very conservative. I don’t know how as I certainly have never espoused anti-trans sentiment for obvious reason. I am so deeply saddened that it’s as if I am sadly waiting for some ending with this in hopes that I get a fair and proper redo.
Honey, I know several trans folks who transitioned in their 60's, and who are living joyful lives now. It's actually one of the more common times for folks to transition.
And, yeah, while it would've been happier to transition younger, to get more time in life as yourself, wouldn't it be better to get SOME shot at it now, rather than to be on your deathbed in twenty years, with nothing but regrets and might-have-been's?
One last thing: trans identities are 30-50% genetic. That means there's a real chance one of your kids is also trans, also trying to bury it. That one *or more* of your grandkids is too.
It's not too late. There are no redos. You only get one shot at life.
You coming out now could save them from finding themselves in your position when they make it to your age.
I'm 54. I'm married but I don't have any kids; so my situation is not yours.
I've met a woman in this rural area of the Midwest I live in that transitioned at age 50 in 2000. She's 75 now. She started her transition when her wife developed a terminal illness. She decided she couldn't cope with the stress of that on top of the stress she felt trying to live this life she had a man. Her wife supported her.
However that year she lost her wife, her business, her kids, grandkids, and the rest of her family who all blamed her for her wife's death.
She would do it again and has no regrets.
I wonder how confused some cis people must get, when they hear our stories and we express so much joy while we describe all the pain we have suffered.
Many of our stories don't sound like happy stories. They are trans stories. They are *happier* stories.
I don't know if it is worth it to you. I'm still so new at this, and I don't know how to describe how I feel now compared to before; but there are no consequences I could have suffered that would have made me less happy now than I was before.
No mistake though it hasn't all been fun. A lot of pain right alongside the joy. Not all tears will be joyful.
For me, knowing what I know now, I would lose everything else in my life but this.
The main difference is that I somehow overcame that fear you are feeling -- and personally know, oh, so very well -- before being faced with a terminal diagnosis. So maybe I'll actually get time as the real me...for a decade? Maybe 2 or more if I'm lucky?
All I know is the thought of that regret being my last thoughts? The "what ifs?" were simply too much anymore. And, honestly, my "perfect" male life was falling apart anyway because the dysphoria was getting so bad I'd walled off my emotions to the point where I was getting numb to everything. Including the spectacular, beautiful soulmate I had married over 20 years earlier. I was losing her because I was dying inside anyway. So if I were to transition and it meant she left me? How much worse off would I be? Honestly...that's how brutal the calculus got.
I've heard MANY, many trans people our age (and as it happens I'm the same age as that poor woman in the post Doc cites...) state over and over: "It's never too late." Or "The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. But the second best time is today."
So I took that leap at 57. (And it's all Zoe's fault, btw. One of her articles shattered the sturdy defensive walls I had steadily built up over 50 years. You know...the same walls that slowly cut you off from all true joy and enjoyment of life from the world? [Thanks again, Doc!])
And taking that leap is terrifying. And wondrous. And painful. And joyous. Kind of like "Life", I guess. Whereas what I had before was simply a slow, inauthentic, unhappy dying...that merely LOOKED ideal.
Choose to live, "Don". It's never too late to choose to live.
This is an amazing article. This month (September) was 8 years since I started my public transition by changing my name on Facebook. I remember then that I was making a huge mistake, but turns out I didn't. From that point to my recent gender affirming procedure back in July, nothing I've done have been mistakes, nor do I have regret.
I needed to be reminded again how far I've come and how much of it was because I decided to believe and trust in myself. (though I'm having a hard time doing so right now, but I'm improving, or so I'm told.)
Reading this when I'm being philosophical about starting my second year on my resumed journey. And yes, it hits home with me.
I think the strongest aspect about my retransition is the feeling of "let's get ON with it", that I need to make up for that lost time. At the same time, I'm far happier and healthier than I have ever been in my life. I LOVE the strong, smart, clever, determined woman I'm becoming.
Hi Zoe...thanks for this whole newsletter, it's really been helpful.
I guess if I made this account (I have another here under my OG name) I've kind of leapt already, right? Egg started cracking back in November when I decided I kind of looked feminine as it is and ended up being pretty OK with that. Looking back there were probably signs and a good amount of dysphoria that seems like all sorts of other issues, that kind of have resolved to some degree with this whatever's going on (emotions? joy? Conversations? Women weirdly randomly talking to me? but if I'm actually one too...)
Though I have tons of doubts I need to work through with my therapist: is it just a character I'll forget about before long? Just coping with failing really hard as a man? (I do have 3 kids, but have been divorced for almost a decade) Just GNC and rebelling against society's expectations? Actually part girl ("demigirl" is my current best guess in my bio and intro) but maybe not accepting trans woman identity due to some residual transphobia? Seems so complicated!
I did try to get into the gender clinic but they were just like "go away, get a referral". Wonder if there's a back door between my current endocrinologist, therapist, and primary to get HRT.
In regular life I'm not really trying to present particularly feminine except for one blouse, otherwise jeans, t-shirts (or a cool orange tunic that might as well be a t-shirt), henleys. Kind of stuff my mom or other women might wear day to day? Discovered I'm having fun trying to figure out hairstyles now, but I'll eventually need a really good (and non-binary!) stylist at a particular salon to help me out there.
Scariest part of course will be coming out in general. Just out to my psychiatrist office and the therapist they referred me to now. Hints to my parents but not words like "I think I'm probably meant to be a girl" (maybe tomorrow! pray for me). Extremely vague hints to my ex, like "Was there something...off...about me?" "I wish I was more like our daughter". That'll probably be the toughest and also my brother.
Thanks...well my brother was there as well and I'm not sure how he'll handle it, so not today. My parents are probably going to be fine I would guess?
Also I might not stick with Tina, basically I want to open it up with "if I *was* a girl do you remember what you were going to call me" and see how I feel about that answer if my parents remember.
My egg cracked at the end of feburary, and I got my HRT prescription 3 weeks later. As of right now I've only taken 1 injection and I stopped immediately because I decided I want to freeze my sperm. I told myself that this is just an experiment and that I'll give it 3 months to see how I feel and that I can stop if I don't feel better.
I honestly believed that at the time, but literally 1 day after my injection, I made the decision to freeze my sperm because I imagined the possible future where I'm on HRT for 2 years, married and looking to have children. I would have to stop HRT for possible 6 months to a year and that terrified me. Then I noticed 50% of my resistance to freezing sperm right now is the cost, the other 50% is from being sad that I would have to delay further injections by 2-3 weeks until the freezing is done.
Thats the moment I realized I need to freeze them because if I'm sad to stop HRT after a single dose, I think its REALLY UNLIKELY this is just an experiment. I'm telling myself its an experiment to give myself permission to get started. But that remains to be seen.
Hopefully I'll be back on HRT early next week. I've been counting the days and have been sad that I'm not full of estrogen :(
I'm overly late to the party, but I just wanted to give my 2 cents that might bring another nuance to your wonderful post. I think you describe well the strength we have to find in ourselves to take that leap of faith, which is mostly against our own fears. What struck me when reading your post is that for me, I had to overcome not just one Transition or Die response, but two.
The first one is the one you talk about, which is mainly about choice. What do we choose for ourselves, and how we might regret it or not. This first response went quite quickly for me, probably because it has always been very easy for me to understand and read myself, once the curtains drop. I usually work like a racing car in most aspects of my life: I won't move until I stumble upon the signal that something is wrong, at which point I will go full speed. Probably because my brain already balanced the elements I have under my control while I was unconsciously waiting. So, most of the one year in between my egg cracking and me starting HRT wasn't spent thinking about potentially regretting the effect of the HRT. I almost immediately knew I wanted that, no matter the price. Most of my time was instead spent pondering whether something else could make me regret starting it. Because, as you well explained it, we rely on the very same system that oppresses us for our treatments. And it happens that I am very skeptical about our system's health, future and present...
HRT is a life-long treatment. Even more after genitoplasty. Collapse is just one of the many threats that could prevent us from getting the medicine we need to keep our transition going/our body functioning. As such, the fear that really held me back was that something out of my control would take from me the body I finally feel good with. In that sense, for me, there is two Transition or Die responses. The first one about mourning our previous self, and second one about mourning our future self. In both case, we take that leap of faith that we might regret it, but that it is just the right, and probably only, real solution we have.
Anyway, thank you for your wonderful posts, it's always a pleasure to read it.
Thank you for sharing this, Lavande! I grt a little blase about threats to our medical supply because so much of my family is in medicine, so I know that that's a fate that awaits *everyone* eventually, whether it's from blood pressure drugs or insulin, but it's a very real worry to work through. 🫂
Thanks Doc. This is beautifully written. My egg cracked in March 2009. (There were hints from about 2005.) And I love my life as a trans woman. I'm 66 now, and going in for a gender affirming surgery on 31-Oct. Zero hesitation. Looking wildly forward to it.
Congratulations, and safe travels through the OR!!
When my egg cracked I knew things about myself I couldn't un-know. One of those was that the only way forward was to transition. I was on HRT within 6 weeks - mostly *because* I knew it would take time to work and I needed that underway to tackle other parts of transitioning. I've been told I'm "speed-running" and that's probably not too far off the mark!
As hard as it is to transition, it's harder *not* to.
I'm very nearly four years in transition, and I just last week finished the very last, tail-end thing that marked the end of my active transition. So, when I say I know what you mean by speedrunning, believe me, I get it.
And I agree with your experience.
Wow, this post sent me down another rabbit hole. I've been reading my old journal entries and looking at my calendar, recalling the period after seeing that webcomic. I had doubts during that first week, but I faced them directly, and they all fell. When I started trying to find a referral for HRT, I knew it would be reversible for quite some time, and that eased my fear of the unknown. But by the time I saw my "gender doctor" for the first time, I was anxious to start, with no doubts remaining.
Truth be told, I knew where I was headed from the moment I saw Greg's eyes go wide. For me, it was less a leap of faith than letting my eyes open after squeezing them shut for decades.
It's been fourteen months since I opened my eyes. With the emotions coming back to me today, I want to express my deepest gratitude for posting that "egg beacon" and for your support as I took my first real breaths in the sunlight.
Gosh, there are a lot of Big Mood's in that post for me. 🫂
I’ve been fighting to get access to hormones for almost three years. (Unfortunately, there is no informed consent in Belgium.) And the weird thing is that once I finally got greenlit I felt totally spent. I’ve now been waiting for two months on whether to get the hormones. My mind makes up the most insane excuses. But who am I kidding. I can’t run from this. Yes. I too will take this leap of faith.
Thank you for your wise words. They always seem to land in my inbox at just the right moment.
- Nova (formerly Max)
[edit 18-10-2024] It’s Nova, writing from beyond the Matrix (😉). Well I took the red pill 2 days after writing the original message in the beginning of October. I can honestly say that this leap of faith has been one of the best decisions in my life. I feel wonderful and at peace. I’m excited for life again. I feel reborn.
So for anyone who too is hesitating to take this leap I can say only this: it’s worth it. May you live long and prosper. ✨
That's wonderful to hear, Nova. 💜
Definitely sums it all up. Today is my 10 month HRT anniversary. I am finally coming out to colleagues, more family, and friends. So far, so good. My wife is still having a very hard time with some of it. She has been having really bad luck with therapists, so that is not helping. Thanks for another wonderful article. Every little bit helps.
Sometimes, getting through those hard times is what makes for a deeper, more resilient and robust relationship. 💜🫂💜
My unhelpful fear isn't that I'll regret things but that I'm not properly trans or something, I'd really feels strange to even type out. Like sure low regret rates but is it right for me to even start? Sigh
Massive untreated ADHD task avoidance/executive dysfunction has caused me to avoid confronting things like I should as well
Well... I have a few essays on that, if they'd help.
I've known a lot of queers for a very long time. I tried to do the "denial cisgay" thing. I was afraid enough of the sentence "i'm trans', that I maintained this two-paragraph long enby identity for like 15 years. All of that basically just evaporated with estrogen, and became "i'm a lesbian"
Through all of that, I haven't met a single person who is "not really trans". I've sure met a bunch of people that would be happier if they started their transition, though. Only you can ever know if it's right for you, but if you're thinking you might be trans, there's a pretty high chance that you're just actually trans, and once you have the clarity of the hormones, it'll be super obvious.
This? This comment is wise.
Fourteen months after my egg cracked, I still feel an occasional pang of doubt about my identity. But it passes quickly because I think about how happy I am now, how grateful I am every day for my transition.
It's so cool seeing you now, Violet, having talked to you as you were just starting to get a sense of things. ☺️
I still get emotional when I think about that week. I know I've thanked you quite a few times, but I want to thank you again. You planted the seed that started my life.
It's what we do, hun. We help each other up.
I've been doing what I can with my blog, and I just started a YouTube series aimed at a broader audience. Since I transitioned, I've been genuinely happy, basically all the time, and I want to share my mindset. If you could share it, I'd appreciate it because your reach is a lot greater than mine. My YouTube handle is iamviolet0823.
TBH, I'm absolutely slammed right now, and I like to vet materials really thoroughly before I boost them. I'll try and circle back when my life isn't a massive typhoon, but it'll be a bit. 💜
I like how this essay frames the choice we make. It is a truly terrifying choice, and like the Matrix, all is not settled after you first make that choice. You have to keep making it. There are things you will fear all along the way.
There's a quote from a movie I think about when I consider whether I should talk to others about what it's like to transition, whether it's responsible to share with people who might be figuring out whether they should leap.
"If I may make a suggestion, it's a children's book, right?"
"Right."
"They are not supposed to scare the living shit out of the children."
I have let go and leapt. I am still in the middle of the air; I am still reaching for the other side.
I know the odds of landing on the other side are with me, but until I do I can't help but be aware of the chasm below.
It was and still is scary as fuck.
Yet I have reached the other side so many times already.
For the first time in my life, I love myself.
I HAVE to keep reaching.
That's the thing, isn't it? The leap itself changes us, regardless of its outcome... And that's pretty beautiful, you know?
It is. I don't know if there is a way to think about the leap except as an embrace? And that is love. You embrace who you are, even though you might not know exactly who that is yet - you have never let yourself know that person - but whoever it is you know you love them.
But I'm just a baby, 9 months of HRT and coming up on one year since my egg cracked. I try to say what this all means as I try to learn about my new life, and then reinvent it all again with each new day.
It's always beautiful. So beautiful.
Those of us who cracked, who *knew* they would transition if possible, and waited a long time for reasons can attest how the need grows stronger, your mental health gets worse, how whatever joy you felt in life slowly fades away.
One concern not mentioned above is the very real fear of consequences for even trying HRT.
Unless a person is willing to DIY and hide/lie what they are doing from everyone close, including spouses, taking this step involves vulnerability. To doctors. To partners. And in less-than-ideal circumstances those have lasting consequences to consider as well.
This is not a cautionary note. It's just that even dipping your toe in the water can bring undeserved misery into your life. And fear of *that* can be a blocker as well.
It can. It can also bring unexpected joy.
That's kind of the point--we don't know how the leap will turn out until we take it.
When i actually decided to transition, the kind of last question i asked was "do i want to die as a boy?"
The revulsion i felt at that thought told me i was going to have to do this SOMETIME.
Very much the same. The idea of aging into an old man was too much.
A few days after my birthday in 2020, I finally admitted to myself that transitioning was something I absolutely needed to do. I couldn't put it off any longer. I haven't had a single doubt what I wanted for my transition since then.
Oof, that imagining dying as an old man always was the worst for me.
Maybe not the right forum for this, but I find it interesting how often we seem to use "boy/girl" and not "man/woman" (not calling you out in particular, it just sparked my thought <3 ). As a clinical psychologist, the thinking/emoting/relating bits of transgenderism and transition are endlessly fascinating to me (with a healthy helping of "of course we all get into doing therapy because we really need it ourselves" :P ). I do the same thing, btw - I am far more comfortable referring to myself as a "girl" than a "woman." My untested and unconfirmed speculation is that our "transition" into adulthood never really addressed a lot of the core needs and identity issues that girls face every day growing up (as opposed to those boys face, which we did experience and reached nominal "manhood" as poorly as that may have fit). And I wonder if, in ten years, I will feel more comfortable identifying as a "woman" than a "girl."
That aside, I add my continuing thanks for Doc's ever insightful writings (and have to admit, redfaced, that despite being peripherally aware that the Matrix was regarded as heavily influenced by transgender ideology, I didn't catch it when I was younger and haven't revisited it since my own eggcrack - so this is an interesting line for me to dig deeper as well!).
It took me years to move from "girl" to "woman," myself. For me, at least, "Girl" was a less... well, huge idea than "woman."
I dunno, though.
I'm nonbinary and transfemme. Boy and man are absolutely repulsive, and woman feels inaccurate, but girl fits me. I think it's because lots of queer folks use girl for lots of other queer folks so the implication is less binary, who knows though.
I use “boy/girl” when talking about the process of transitioning the fleshmeats, and “man/woman” when talking about who I am. I don’t know why, though.
I loved this. Well done and thanks for sharing NDs substack. Great stuff.
NDs stuff is some of my very favorite work on gender.
Fantastic article. So insightful … yet heart wrenching. My egg cracked a long time ago but I’m terrified to take the red pill.
It never gets less scary, no matter how long you wait.
It's worth it, though.
If I were young (pick any “young “ age), at this particular time with all the wonderful medical advances, the choice would actually be far easier. But here I am at 67 with two adult children and 3 grandchildren that I adore…I am so afraid of blowing everything up and being alone for my final years. This family is very conservative. I don’t know how as I certainly have never espoused anti-trans sentiment for obvious reason. I am so deeply saddened that it’s as if I am sadly waiting for some ending with this in hopes that I get a fair and proper redo.
Honey, I know several trans folks who transitioned in their 60's, and who are living joyful lives now. It's actually one of the more common times for folks to transition.
This was written by a trans gal who felt a lot like you, and who got a cancer diagnosis. I think you'd be really well served by reading what she wrote, and thinking hard about the regrets she had: https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/88t6sg/some_tips_from_a_58_years_old_dying_trans_woman/
And, yeah, while it would've been happier to transition younger, to get more time in life as yourself, wouldn't it be better to get SOME shot at it now, rather than to be on your deathbed in twenty years, with nothing but regrets and might-have-been's?
One last thing: trans identities are 30-50% genetic. That means there's a real chance one of your kids is also trans, also trying to bury it. That one *or more* of your grandkids is too.
It's not too late. There are no redos. You only get one shot at life.
You coming out now could save them from finding themselves in your position when they make it to your age.
Thank you for the link and your kind support.
I'm 54. I'm married but I don't have any kids; so my situation is not yours.
I've met a woman in this rural area of the Midwest I live in that transitioned at age 50 in 2000. She's 75 now. She started her transition when her wife developed a terminal illness. She decided she couldn't cope with the stress of that on top of the stress she felt trying to live this life she had a man. Her wife supported her.
However that year she lost her wife, her business, her kids, grandkids, and the rest of her family who all blamed her for her wife's death.
She would do it again and has no regrets.
I wonder how confused some cis people must get, when they hear our stories and we express so much joy while we describe all the pain we have suffered.
Many of our stories don't sound like happy stories. They are trans stories. They are *happier* stories.
I don't know if it is worth it to you. I'm still so new at this, and I don't know how to describe how I feel now compared to before; but there are no consequences I could have suffered that would have made me less happy now than I was before.
No mistake though it hasn't all been fun. A lot of pain right alongside the joy. Not all tears will be joyful.
For me, knowing what I know now, I would lose everything else in my life but this.
This is absolutely beautiful.
My story isn't nearly as poignant as the one Zoe references, but the similarities are striking.
https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/1cl9cxm/what_is_it_like_to_have_gender_dysphoria_what/
The main difference is that I somehow overcame that fear you are feeling -- and personally know, oh, so very well -- before being faced with a terminal diagnosis. So maybe I'll actually get time as the real me...for a decade? Maybe 2 or more if I'm lucky?
All I know is the thought of that regret being my last thoughts? The "what ifs?" were simply too much anymore. And, honestly, my "perfect" male life was falling apart anyway because the dysphoria was getting so bad I'd walled off my emotions to the point where I was getting numb to everything. Including the spectacular, beautiful soulmate I had married over 20 years earlier. I was losing her because I was dying inside anyway. So if I were to transition and it meant she left me? How much worse off would I be? Honestly...that's how brutal the calculus got.
I've heard MANY, many trans people our age (and as it happens I'm the same age as that poor woman in the post Doc cites...) state over and over: "It's never too late." Or "The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. But the second best time is today."
So I took that leap at 57. (And it's all Zoe's fault, btw. One of her articles shattered the sturdy defensive walls I had steadily built up over 50 years. You know...the same walls that slowly cut you off from all true joy and enjoyment of life from the world? [Thanks again, Doc!])
And taking that leap is terrifying. And wondrous. And painful. And joyous. Kind of like "Life", I guess. Whereas what I had before was simply a slow, inauthentic, unhappy dying...that merely LOOKED ideal.
Choose to live, "Don". It's never too late to choose to live.
This is an amazing article. This month (September) was 8 years since I started my public transition by changing my name on Facebook. I remember then that I was making a huge mistake, but turns out I didn't. From that point to my recent gender affirming procedure back in July, nothing I've done have been mistakes, nor do I have regret.
I needed to be reminded again how far I've come and how much of it was because I decided to believe and trust in myself. (though I'm having a hard time doing so right now, but I'm improving, or so I'm told.)
Reading this when I'm being philosophical about starting my second year on my resumed journey. And yes, it hits home with me.
I think the strongest aspect about my retransition is the feeling of "let's get ON with it", that I need to make up for that lost time. At the same time, I'm far happier and healthier than I have ever been in my life. I LOVE the strong, smart, clever, determined woman I'm becoming.
Yeah, that sense of lost time was hard for me too. I'm glad you feel like you're making the progress you need, though!
Yep. I've accomplished SO much since I sent you that message spring of last year. :)
That's so wonderful to hear! 🥰
Also:
January is my consultation for FFS.
And I just was told by my primary care physician that she will be happy to make a referral for an orchiectomy.
Progress.
Omg YAY!! FFS was so life-changing for me. I can't wait to hear how it goes for you.
Hi Zoe...thanks for this whole newsletter, it's really been helpful.
I guess if I made this account (I have another here under my OG name) I've kind of leapt already, right? Egg started cracking back in November when I decided I kind of looked feminine as it is and ended up being pretty OK with that. Looking back there were probably signs and a good amount of dysphoria that seems like all sorts of other issues, that kind of have resolved to some degree with this whatever's going on (emotions? joy? Conversations? Women weirdly randomly talking to me? but if I'm actually one too...)
Though I have tons of doubts I need to work through with my therapist: is it just a character I'll forget about before long? Just coping with failing really hard as a man? (I do have 3 kids, but have been divorced for almost a decade) Just GNC and rebelling against society's expectations? Actually part girl ("demigirl" is my current best guess in my bio and intro) but maybe not accepting trans woman identity due to some residual transphobia? Seems so complicated!
I did try to get into the gender clinic but they were just like "go away, get a referral". Wonder if there's a back door between my current endocrinologist, therapist, and primary to get HRT.
In regular life I'm not really trying to present particularly feminine except for one blouse, otherwise jeans, t-shirts (or a cool orange tunic that might as well be a t-shirt), henleys. Kind of stuff my mom or other women might wear day to day? Discovered I'm having fun trying to figure out hairstyles now, but I'll eventually need a really good (and non-binary!) stylist at a particular salon to help me out there.
Scariest part of course will be coming out in general. Just out to my psychiatrist office and the therapist they referred me to now. Hints to my parents but not words like "I think I'm probably meant to be a girl" (maybe tomorrow! pray for me). Extremely vague hints to my ex, like "Was there something...off...about me?" "I wish I was more like our daughter". That'll probably be the toughest and also my brother.
Anyway, here goes nothing I guess!
Congratulations, Tina! I'm so glad to hear all the wonderful news!!
Thanks...well my brother was there as well and I'm not sure how he'll handle it, so not today. My parents are probably going to be fine I would guess?
Also I might not stick with Tina, basically I want to open it up with "if I *was* a girl do you remember what you were going to call me" and see how I feel about that answer if my parents remember.
A lot of folks go that route. Me? I like being a self-made woman.
My egg cracked at the end of feburary, and I got my HRT prescription 3 weeks later. As of right now I've only taken 1 injection and I stopped immediately because I decided I want to freeze my sperm. I told myself that this is just an experiment and that I'll give it 3 months to see how I feel and that I can stop if I don't feel better.
I honestly believed that at the time, but literally 1 day after my injection, I made the decision to freeze my sperm because I imagined the possible future where I'm on HRT for 2 years, married and looking to have children. I would have to stop HRT for possible 6 months to a year and that terrified me. Then I noticed 50% of my resistance to freezing sperm right now is the cost, the other 50% is from being sad that I would have to delay further injections by 2-3 weeks until the freezing is done.
Thats the moment I realized I need to freeze them because if I'm sad to stop HRT after a single dose, I think its REALLY UNLIKELY this is just an experiment. I'm telling myself its an experiment to give myself permission to get started. But that remains to be seen.
Hopefully I'll be back on HRT early next week. I've been counting the days and have been sad that I'm not full of estrogen :(
Hello Doc,
I'm overly late to the party, but I just wanted to give my 2 cents that might bring another nuance to your wonderful post. I think you describe well the strength we have to find in ourselves to take that leap of faith, which is mostly against our own fears. What struck me when reading your post is that for me, I had to overcome not just one Transition or Die response, but two.
The first one is the one you talk about, which is mainly about choice. What do we choose for ourselves, and how we might regret it or not. This first response went quite quickly for me, probably because it has always been very easy for me to understand and read myself, once the curtains drop. I usually work like a racing car in most aspects of my life: I won't move until I stumble upon the signal that something is wrong, at which point I will go full speed. Probably because my brain already balanced the elements I have under my control while I was unconsciously waiting. So, most of the one year in between my egg cracking and me starting HRT wasn't spent thinking about potentially regretting the effect of the HRT. I almost immediately knew I wanted that, no matter the price. Most of my time was instead spent pondering whether something else could make me regret starting it. Because, as you well explained it, we rely on the very same system that oppresses us for our treatments. And it happens that I am very skeptical about our system's health, future and present...
HRT is a life-long treatment. Even more after genitoplasty. Collapse is just one of the many threats that could prevent us from getting the medicine we need to keep our transition going/our body functioning. As such, the fear that really held me back was that something out of my control would take from me the body I finally feel good with. In that sense, for me, there is two Transition or Die responses. The first one about mourning our previous self, and second one about mourning our future self. In both case, we take that leap of faith that we might regret it, but that it is just the right, and probably only, real solution we have.
Anyway, thank you for your wonderful posts, it's always a pleasure to read it.
Much love, Lavande
Thank you for sharing this, Lavande! I grt a little blase about threats to our medical supply because so much of my family is in medicine, so I know that that's a fate that awaits *everyone* eventually, whether it's from blood pressure drugs or insulin, but it's a very real worry to work through. 🫂