If I were young (pick any “young “ age), at this particular time with all the wonderful medical advances, the choice would actually be far easier. But here I am at 67 with two adult children and 3 grandchildren that I adore…I am so afraid of blowing everything up and being alone for my final years. This family is very conservative. I don’t know how as I certainly have never espoused anti-trans sentiment for obvious reason. I am so deeply saddened that it’s as if I am sadly waiting for some ending with this in hopes that I get a fair and proper redo.
Honey, I know several trans folks who transitioned in their 60's, and who are living joyful lives now. It's actually one of the more common times for folks to transition.
And, yeah, while it would've been happier to transition younger, to get more time in life as yourself, wouldn't it be better to get SOME shot at it now, rather than to be on your deathbed in twenty years, with nothing but regrets and might-have-been's?
One last thing: trans identities are 30-50% genetic. That means there's a real chance one of your kids is also trans, also trying to bury it. That one *or more* of your grandkids is too.
It's not too late. There are no redos. You only get one shot at life.
You coming out now could save them from finding themselves in your position when they make it to your age.
I'm 54. I'm married but I don't have any kids; so my situation is not yours.
I've met a woman in this rural area of the Midwest I live in that transitioned at age 50 in 2000. She's 75 now. She started her transition when her wife developed a terminal illness. She decided she couldn't cope with the stress of that on top of the stress she felt trying to live this life she had a man. Her wife supported her.
However that year she lost her wife, her business, her kids, grandkids, and the rest of her family who all blamed her for her wife's death.
She would do it again and has no regrets.
I wonder how confused some cis people must get, when they hear our stories and we express so much joy while we describe all the pain we have suffered.
Many of our stories don't sound like happy stories. They are trans stories. They are *happier* stories.
I don't know if it is worth it to you. I'm still so new at this, and I don't know how to describe how I feel now compared to before; but there are no consequences I could have suffered that would have made me less happy now than I was before.
No mistake though it hasn't all been fun. A lot of pain right alongside the joy. Not all tears will be joyful.
For me, knowing what I know now, I would lose everything else in my life but this.
The main difference is that I somehow overcame that fear you are feeling -- and personally know, oh, so very well -- before being faced with a terminal diagnosis. So maybe I'll actually get time as the real me...for a decade? Maybe 2 or more if I'm lucky?
All I know is the thought of that regret being my last thoughts? The "what ifs?" were simply too much anymore. And, honestly, my "perfect" male life was falling apart anyway because the dysphoria was getting so bad I'd walled off my emotions to the point where I was getting numb to everything. Including the spectacular, beautiful soulmate I had married over 20 years earlier. I was losing her because I was dying inside anyway. So if I were to transition and it meant she left me? How much worse off would I be? Honestly...that's how brutal the calculus got.
I've heard MANY, many trans people our age (and as it happens I'm the same age as that poor woman in the post Doc cites...) state over and over: "It's never too late." Or "The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. But the second best time is today."
So I took that leap at 57. (And it's all Zoe's fault, btw. One of her articles shattered the sturdy defensive walls I had steadily built up over 50 years. You know...the same walls that slowly cut you off from all true joy and enjoyment of life from the world? [Thanks again, Doc!])
And taking that leap is terrifying. And wondrous. And painful. And joyous. Kind of like "Life", I guess. Whereas what I had before was simply a slow, inauthentic, unhappy dying...that merely LOOKED ideal.
Choose to live, "Don". It's never too late to choose to live.
Fantastic article. So insightful … yet heart wrenching. My egg cracked a long time ago but I’m terrified to take the red pill.
It never gets less scary, no matter how long you wait.
It's worth it, though.
If I were young (pick any “young “ age), at this particular time with all the wonderful medical advances, the choice would actually be far easier. But here I am at 67 with two adult children and 3 grandchildren that I adore…I am so afraid of blowing everything up and being alone for my final years. This family is very conservative. I don’t know how as I certainly have never espoused anti-trans sentiment for obvious reason. I am so deeply saddened that it’s as if I am sadly waiting for some ending with this in hopes that I get a fair and proper redo.
Honey, I know several trans folks who transitioned in their 60's, and who are living joyful lives now. It's actually one of the more common times for folks to transition.
This was written by a trans gal who felt a lot like you, and who got a cancer diagnosis. I think you'd be really well served by reading what she wrote, and thinking hard about the regrets she had: https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/88t6sg/some_tips_from_a_58_years_old_dying_trans_woman/
And, yeah, while it would've been happier to transition younger, to get more time in life as yourself, wouldn't it be better to get SOME shot at it now, rather than to be on your deathbed in twenty years, with nothing but regrets and might-have-been's?
One last thing: trans identities are 30-50% genetic. That means there's a real chance one of your kids is also trans, also trying to bury it. That one *or more* of your grandkids is too.
It's not too late. There are no redos. You only get one shot at life.
You coming out now could save them from finding themselves in your position when they make it to your age.
Thank you for the link and your kind support.
I'm 54. I'm married but I don't have any kids; so my situation is not yours.
I've met a woman in this rural area of the Midwest I live in that transitioned at age 50 in 2000. She's 75 now. She started her transition when her wife developed a terminal illness. She decided she couldn't cope with the stress of that on top of the stress she felt trying to live this life she had a man. Her wife supported her.
However that year she lost her wife, her business, her kids, grandkids, and the rest of her family who all blamed her for her wife's death.
She would do it again and has no regrets.
I wonder how confused some cis people must get, when they hear our stories and we express so much joy while we describe all the pain we have suffered.
Many of our stories don't sound like happy stories. They are trans stories. They are *happier* stories.
I don't know if it is worth it to you. I'm still so new at this, and I don't know how to describe how I feel now compared to before; but there are no consequences I could have suffered that would have made me less happy now than I was before.
No mistake though it hasn't all been fun. A lot of pain right alongside the joy. Not all tears will be joyful.
For me, knowing what I know now, I would lose everything else in my life but this.
This is absolutely beautiful.
My story isn't nearly as poignant as the one Zoe references, but the similarities are striking.
https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/1cl9cxm/what_is_it_like_to_have_gender_dysphoria_what/
The main difference is that I somehow overcame that fear you are feeling -- and personally know, oh, so very well -- before being faced with a terminal diagnosis. So maybe I'll actually get time as the real me...for a decade? Maybe 2 or more if I'm lucky?
All I know is the thought of that regret being my last thoughts? The "what ifs?" were simply too much anymore. And, honestly, my "perfect" male life was falling apart anyway because the dysphoria was getting so bad I'd walled off my emotions to the point where I was getting numb to everything. Including the spectacular, beautiful soulmate I had married over 20 years earlier. I was losing her because I was dying inside anyway. So if I were to transition and it meant she left me? How much worse off would I be? Honestly...that's how brutal the calculus got.
I've heard MANY, many trans people our age (and as it happens I'm the same age as that poor woman in the post Doc cites...) state over and over: "It's never too late." Or "The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. But the second best time is today."
So I took that leap at 57. (And it's all Zoe's fault, btw. One of her articles shattered the sturdy defensive walls I had steadily built up over 50 years. You know...the same walls that slowly cut you off from all true joy and enjoyment of life from the world? [Thanks again, Doc!])
And taking that leap is terrifying. And wondrous. And painful. And joyous. Kind of like "Life", I guess. Whereas what I had before was simply a slow, inauthentic, unhappy dying...that merely LOOKED ideal.
Choose to live, "Don". It's never too late to choose to live.