I too loved the Nemesis series. And this article resonates with me. "My trauma has not made me stronger—while I have found strength again, of a sort, it’s not the same as I might’ve been before." Indeed. Trauma doesn't make anyone stronger. At least not in my experience. We discover strength we never knew we had, as a result of that trauma. At least those of us who survive it do.
When I tell people who my heroes are, I'm usually trying to make a point.
If we're explicitly talking about "heroes" here, maybe I should call these my "favorite people," which is certainly more accurate. When I tell people that these are my "heroes," I want them to understand that I don't put much stock in supermen. I want them to understand that we don't need supermen, we need ordinary people.
My heroes aren't just flawed, they're ordinary.
They are people who know there's no way they could be the best person for the job, and know they are going to make mistakes, but choose to do the task anyway, because it needs to be done.
Now quite often they do get some "reward" out of it. People praise them for stepping up, tell them how much they are admired and how they are just what was needed.
Rather than a benefit, this just makes it harder for them to do what needs done, because they aren't stupid.
They know that they are going to screw up, and when they do, these people are going to scorn them, ask them how they could have been so irresponsible; tell them how much they have been let down.
This makes doing the tasks just so much harder. They do them anyway, because the work needs done.
These are my favorite people. They embody what I want all of us to be.
This is the second time in a very short span of time that I’ve heard recommendations of Dreadnought and its sequels. I’ve known it to exist for a little bit now but is it worth checking out?
This resonates, in a painful way. Being expected to be perfect, someone's hero, and resented when I wasn't. And the pain of realising that in surviving trauma, I actually lost strength, having overexerted the resilience that allowed me to survive.
One worry about the text itself: is it fair to hold Abigail up as a counterexample here? I love her work but I don't know her own struggles and personal flaws, or improbable lack thereof.
That's fair, but she's also one of the only high profile trans folks I know of who aren't directly involved in subject matter I'm trying to keep SGW as a refuge from.
She's admittedly probably a better example than most. Honestly while reading the article and then this response, the phrase "no gods, no masters, no heroes, no saints" came to mind -- with the sad realisation that no heroes really does mean none, I don't think a good counterexample was possible there. It feels hard to live like that though, truly not having shining examples.
I've met a few "heroes." Wasn't ever sorry I met them. Just learned to stop making heroes of other people who by and large aren't that different from the rest of us.
When I've done that, I'm a lot less likely to be disappointed in something that I put in them and that they may have never wanted.
I've loved so much of your writing in "Stained Glass Woman." It does speak to where I am right now and what I'm going through. That's more than enough. No cape needed Thanks!🙏🏻
Thanks for this one Doc. At the risk of doing exactly what you asked us not to do (which is not my intention) this attitude is exactly what I appreciate about your writing. I do the same thing, writing on a self-hosted static website without any interaction for this reason. I don't like heroes, I like people. People do not need to be perfect to be able to teach you something good.
I like SGW not just because your writing is beyond excellent but also because it is low key and "small scale" much more my speed. I'm not sure how to put what I'm feeling into words now so instead of risking putting my mouth in my foot (further) I'll just say: as the meditation apps say, "we must strive to show up every day, exactly as we are in that moment. there is no perfection there is only being". Thanks Doc
I recall reading that when Navajo artisans make an object with a pattern - a blanket or a sand figure, for instance - they always put a defect in the pattern, because to make something perfect is to claim divinity.
Also, and this is my own takeaway, flaws make something much more interesting.
Zoe, I can't help it, I love your voice in your writing. It's really good.
Yes, we're all imperfect, each of us. Who knows where we get all the negative and ruminative self-talk. I've been to therapy for decades, still take several meds, and am now meditating daily which helps, but it's not a panacea. I'm pretty good at sticking with it.
I'm 67yo and started my transition 7 years ago. My life post-transition is amazing. I thought that was the Last Thing and after all would be well. Hmmm, well, no. Yes, being trans and satisfying the dysphoric need as much as one can is very helpful. But we still carry our other mental health baggage which for some such as myself is backbreaking.
I recently became aware of something called "TMS therapy" which sounds both a bit far-fetched but also very intriguing. I'm now in contact with two local clinics to get something set up with them. With the possibility of some amelioration of my depression on the horizon I feel a desperate need to get started.
Anyway, I hadn't heard that we shouldn't meet our heroes. I've met three and you're right, I was very let down. For me it was like I saw us being friends, perhaps developing into a close friendship. Nope. No way. To this day I ruminate over these people and am slowly letting them go in that way and returning to appreciating whatever it was about them that made them heroes for me.
I'm sorry to read how down on yourself you can be. Me too. I never feel that I'm enough although, like you, I have friends and family who seem to love and like me a lot. Unfortunately I doubt their sincerity.
Oh well. Time for my daily meditation. As I wrote it's not a solution per se but it does help. It's like a daily and free therapist session. In general I feel a bit better afterwards.
I too loved the Nemesis series. And this article resonates with me. "My trauma has not made me stronger—while I have found strength again, of a sort, it’s not the same as I might’ve been before." Indeed. Trauma doesn't make anyone stronger. At least not in my experience. We discover strength we never knew we had, as a result of that trauma. At least those of us who survive it do.
Blessed Be Doc.
> At least those of us who survive it do.
This bit. This bit right here.
When I tell people who my heroes are, I'm usually trying to make a point.
If we're explicitly talking about "heroes" here, maybe I should call these my "favorite people," which is certainly more accurate. When I tell people that these are my "heroes," I want them to understand that I don't put much stock in supermen. I want them to understand that we don't need supermen, we need ordinary people.
My heroes aren't just flawed, they're ordinary.
They are people who know there's no way they could be the best person for the job, and know they are going to make mistakes, but choose to do the task anyway, because it needs to be done.
Now quite often they do get some "reward" out of it. People praise them for stepping up, tell them how much they are admired and how they are just what was needed.
Rather than a benefit, this just makes it harder for them to do what needs done, because they aren't stupid.
They know that they are going to screw up, and when they do, these people are going to scorn them, ask them how they could have been so irresponsible; tell them how much they have been let down.
This makes doing the tasks just so much harder. They do them anyway, because the work needs done.
These are my favorite people. They embody what I want all of us to be.
This is the second time in a very short span of time that I’ve heard recommendations of Dreadnought and its sequels. I’ve known it to exist for a little bit now but is it worth checking out?
I mean, I took my pen name from one of the characters. I'm not exactly an objective source here. 🤭
But I think they're fabulous.
Yes. Unequivocally yes, it is worth checking out. 💯
It took me three days to get through the first chapter of Dreadnought. It only took me two evenings to devour the remainder of the book.
If you're reading this article, I think you'd like Dreadnought.
This resonates, in a painful way. Being expected to be perfect, someone's hero, and resented when I wasn't. And the pain of realising that in surviving trauma, I actually lost strength, having overexerted the resilience that allowed me to survive.
One worry about the text itself: is it fair to hold Abigail up as a counterexample here? I love her work but I don't know her own struggles and personal flaws, or improbable lack thereof.
That's fair, but she's also one of the only high profile trans folks I know of who aren't directly involved in subject matter I'm trying to keep SGW as a refuge from.
She's admittedly probably a better example than most. Honestly while reading the article and then this response, the phrase "no gods, no masters, no heroes, no saints" came to mind -- with the sad realisation that no heroes really does mean none, I don't think a good counterexample was possible there. It feels hard to live like that though, truly not having shining examples.
Maybe, but at the same time it allows us to become our own heroes.
You can be inspired by someone, by their work, without making them your hero. That's the way I try to approach things.
Oh that is a nice way of looking at things. Thank you.
I've met a few "heroes." Wasn't ever sorry I met them. Just learned to stop making heroes of other people who by and large aren't that different from the rest of us.
When I've done that, I'm a lot less likely to be disappointed in something that I put in them and that they may have never wanted.
I've loved so much of your writing in "Stained Glass Woman." It does speak to where I am right now and what I'm going through. That's more than enough. No cape needed Thanks!🙏🏻
Thanks for this one Doc. At the risk of doing exactly what you asked us not to do (which is not my intention) this attitude is exactly what I appreciate about your writing. I do the same thing, writing on a self-hosted static website without any interaction for this reason. I don't like heroes, I like people. People do not need to be perfect to be able to teach you something good.
I like SGW not just because your writing is beyond excellent but also because it is low key and "small scale" much more my speed. I'm not sure how to put what I'm feeling into words now so instead of risking putting my mouth in my foot (further) I'll just say: as the meditation apps say, "we must strive to show up every day, exactly as we are in that moment. there is no perfection there is only being". Thanks Doc
I LOVE your writing, it helps me. It makes me feel less lonely. So, just thank you, for sharing all that with us. 💜
I recall reading that when Navajo artisans make an object with a pattern - a blanket or a sand figure, for instance - they always put a defect in the pattern, because to make something perfect is to claim divinity.
Also, and this is my own takeaway, flaws make something much more interesting.
Also true of saṃsāra. Well seen.
Zoe, I can't help it, I love your voice in your writing. It's really good.
Yes, we're all imperfect, each of us. Who knows where we get all the negative and ruminative self-talk. I've been to therapy for decades, still take several meds, and am now meditating daily which helps, but it's not a panacea. I'm pretty good at sticking with it.
I'm 67yo and started my transition 7 years ago. My life post-transition is amazing. I thought that was the Last Thing and after all would be well. Hmmm, well, no. Yes, being trans and satisfying the dysphoric need as much as one can is very helpful. But we still carry our other mental health baggage which for some such as myself is backbreaking.
I recently became aware of something called "TMS therapy" which sounds both a bit far-fetched but also very intriguing. I'm now in contact with two local clinics to get something set up with them. With the possibility of some amelioration of my depression on the horizon I feel a desperate need to get started.
Anyway, I hadn't heard that we shouldn't meet our heroes. I've met three and you're right, I was very let down. For me it was like I saw us being friends, perhaps developing into a close friendship. Nope. No way. To this day I ruminate over these people and am slowly letting them go in that way and returning to appreciating whatever it was about them that made them heroes for me.
I'm sorry to read how down on yourself you can be. Me too. I never feel that I'm enough although, like you, I have friends and family who seem to love and like me a lot. Unfortunately I doubt their sincerity.
Oh well. Time for my daily meditation. As I wrote it's not a solution per se but it does help. It's like a daily and free therapist session. In general I feel a bit better afterwards.
I'm 68 and transitioned 9 years ago. EMDR is a great help.
I’m glad it helped you. My therapist didn’t think it would work for me, I don’t recall why. But whatever works!
I don't know the candidacy for EMDR, and mine is ongoing.