"On a long enough timeline, pretty much everyone who wants to “pass”—to be gendered correctly consistently and automatically—will, no matter how impossible it seems when you take that first, impossible, dizzying step into your social transition."
Thank you, I apparently really needed to hear that.
One thing that recently got to me is how universal can this erasure be. I come from an eastern block post-socialist country and I've learned that, seemingly spontaneously, trans healthcare used to operate in much of the same 'witness protection' way as in the Strykers' account of US history. There are trans folks alive here today who are even closeted from their own biological children. Another example would be UK, where gender recognition is conditioned on the trans persons' commitment to 'live in the acquired gender until death.'
The overriding message is clear and transcendents borders: 'Try to be cis as much as possible, and if you really really can't, transition as quickly as possible, and for christs' sake, don't let anyone see you doing it!'
I'm still in the middle of my medical transition, but I can see the finish line. I have two major surgeries scheduled for next year, in February and April, and unless I need revisions, I expect that will be all I need.
I don't know what to expect when this phase of transition is over, but I think my trans identity will fade into the background. It will never completely disappear - too many people know me as a trans woman, and I don't intend to abandon them. But I'm hoping it won't be a big part of my daily life. A lot will depend on how femme my appearance becomes and how completely I pass.
A lot of that has to do with how I think of my various identities. I've always wanted to be able to call myself a woman, and the label is beginning to fit. I imagine it will feel much more natural after my next surgery. I'm also a lesbian, and that label already feels natural to me, even with my medical transition still incomplete. And I'm *enthusiastic* about those two identities. They're things I've wanted my whole life, and I've known I wanted them for a long time, even if I couldn't acknowledge that until fairly recently.
I'm not enthusiastic about being trans. It's an important part of who I am, and I'm proud of that, without any shame, but it's not *important* in the way that being a woman or a lesbian is. I'll always be publicly out and part of the community, but if the average stranger can't see that I'm trans, that's fine.
We always say trans women are women, period. But I don't feel like I am right now. This trans woman is a woman, asterisk. I'm looking forward to the day when that's no longer true.
I do realize how privileged I am to be able to transition today, without all the nonsense required of trans women in the past.
As someone who is maybe only partially done with his transition (and actually wondering if "transition" is ever really "done"), I've found myself asking this very question over and over - Do I want to be stealth? And it is so complicated. I obviously want the privilege of passing, but I also did this to be seen. To finally be seen as the real me, who had to struggle so hard to remake myself in my own image.
Also from experience, coming out is a way of being, not a singular event. I learned this as a queer parent, where the world expects every child to have two cishet parents and not what my kids got. And this means we are forever exhausted by the continuous act of coming out, of always declaring ourselves as "other," which others us, isolates us, and wears us out. Who can blame anyone for wanting a moment of relief from that?
Agreed entirely, on all counts, Robin. It's such a snarled, tricky question, and I don't know that there are any good, perfect answers. Just... I've seen how deep stealth can hurt people. I don't think that's a good ending for anyone.
This is a powerful piece. It reinforces my resolve never to step back into any closet, and once again makes me want to fall to my knees and give thanks for my personal situation, being able to treat my identity both as a profound process of self-actualization, celebrated joyfully by those who are close to me, and as a mundane part of my life that none of my coworkers or casual acquaintances need to deal with aside from complimenting my hair or my nails once in a while.
This piece also reinforces my goal to be visible, to be my happy, feminine self to show everyone, cis, trans, nonbinary, or any identity, one possibility of what life can be like for a trans woman who does not pass, and for whom passing is not a distinct goal.
Well, the further you get in transition, the more you'll find yourself in that glass closet, whether that's your intent or not. That's the big point of the piece.
That's quite possible. I lived in an invisible closet for half a century until reading SGW revealed the walls. (Once again, my deepest, most profound thanks for that week.) But at my age, I don't think I'll ever reach a point where I consider myself to be post-transition. (Hell, I *might* save up for the surgery I want by the time I'm 80.)
I know I'm still too early on to make any definite predictions, but if I see any walls forming around me, I'll have a hammer in my tool belt.
I have looked fully into my coverage. Alberta only covers one particular type of bottom surgery (PIV) by one surgeon in Montreal. And due to my personal situation, I have no intention of leaving Alberta for the next decade or so. I'll probably see how much I can do to lobby Alberta Health to cover PPV, but that will require the ascension of a strong trans lobby group--and I'm getting too old to lead something like that. (Not that I'm physically incapable; I simply have no desire to be a leader anymore.)
But I appreciate your optimism. Perhaps the wind may shift as the trans population surges.
Crossing my fingers and toes. Between the better risk profile and the, um, flexibility of preservation, it should become the leading type of vaginoplasty. But hey, work faster, medical peeps! I'm not getting any younger! :D
It would be interesting to see an enby perspective on this. In many ways, if and when I as a transfemme nonbinary person feel finished transitioning, success would be measured by the opposite of "passing" as anything in Cishet Land. Like, to me, success is confusion on other people's faces, to be glib about it. :P
Exactly! This is one of those where I, personally, have seen it more from a binary perspective. OTOH, it comes with knock-on problems. Nate Stevenson talks about this stuff on his Substack, if you're interested.
Beautiful, raw and emotional (as with so many of your pieces it brought me to tears)
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like my transition is complete
I am proud to be trans, it’s brought me so much joy, so many amazing experiences, and friends, and rn it feels like there’s a bigger fight coming to protect our siblings so I will continue to be visible and vocal
There's a saying about writing that I think might be apropos here:
Writing is never done. It is due.
It's sort of the way I view my transition. Like, do I have anything more planned aside from the last of my electrolysis cleanup? No. But I can't honestly keep hold of it, claiming to make big changes when all I'm doing is tinkering around the edges.
"On a long enough timeline, pretty much everyone who wants to “pass”—to be gendered correctly consistently and automatically—will, no matter how impossible it seems when you take that first, impossible, dizzying step into your social transition."
Thank you, I apparently really needed to hear that.
One thing that recently got to me is how universal can this erasure be. I come from an eastern block post-socialist country and I've learned that, seemingly spontaneously, trans healthcare used to operate in much of the same 'witness protection' way as in the Strykers' account of US history. There are trans folks alive here today who are even closeted from their own biological children. Another example would be UK, where gender recognition is conditioned on the trans persons' commitment to 'live in the acquired gender until death.'
The overriding message is clear and transcendents borders: 'Try to be cis as much as possible, and if you really really can't, transition as quickly as possible, and for christs' sake, don't let anyone see you doing it!'
Anyway, excellent piece as always!
I'm still in the middle of my medical transition, but I can see the finish line. I have two major surgeries scheduled for next year, in February and April, and unless I need revisions, I expect that will be all I need.
I don't know what to expect when this phase of transition is over, but I think my trans identity will fade into the background. It will never completely disappear - too many people know me as a trans woman, and I don't intend to abandon them. But I'm hoping it won't be a big part of my daily life. A lot will depend on how femme my appearance becomes and how completely I pass.
A lot of that has to do with how I think of my various identities. I've always wanted to be able to call myself a woman, and the label is beginning to fit. I imagine it will feel much more natural after my next surgery. I'm also a lesbian, and that label already feels natural to me, even with my medical transition still incomplete. And I'm *enthusiastic* about those two identities. They're things I've wanted my whole life, and I've known I wanted them for a long time, even if I couldn't acknowledge that until fairly recently.
I'm not enthusiastic about being trans. It's an important part of who I am, and I'm proud of that, without any shame, but it's not *important* in the way that being a woman or a lesbian is. I'll always be publicly out and part of the community, but if the average stranger can't see that I'm trans, that's fine.
We always say trans women are women, period. But I don't feel like I am right now. This trans woman is a woman, asterisk. I'm looking forward to the day when that's no longer true.
I do realize how privileged I am to be able to transition today, without all the nonsense required of trans women in the past.
As always, thank you for sharing your experience.
That's the difference between privacy and stealth. One is self-annihilation of a different sort.
Sometimes I think the ancient Greeks had the coremost philosophy dead on: all things in moderation.
This deserves to be it's own documentary.
As someone who is maybe only partially done with his transition (and actually wondering if "transition" is ever really "done"), I've found myself asking this very question over and over - Do I want to be stealth? And it is so complicated. I obviously want the privilege of passing, but I also did this to be seen. To finally be seen as the real me, who had to struggle so hard to remake myself in my own image.
Also from experience, coming out is a way of being, not a singular event. I learned this as a queer parent, where the world expects every child to have two cishet parents and not what my kids got. And this means we are forever exhausted by the continuous act of coming out, of always declaring ourselves as "other," which others us, isolates us, and wears us out. Who can blame anyone for wanting a moment of relief from that?
Agreed entirely, on all counts, Robin. It's such a snarled, tricky question, and I don't know that there are any good, perfect answers. Just... I've seen how deep stealth can hurt people. I don't think that's a good ending for anyone.
This is a powerful piece. It reinforces my resolve never to step back into any closet, and once again makes me want to fall to my knees and give thanks for my personal situation, being able to treat my identity both as a profound process of self-actualization, celebrated joyfully by those who are close to me, and as a mundane part of my life that none of my coworkers or casual acquaintances need to deal with aside from complimenting my hair or my nails once in a while.
This piece also reinforces my goal to be visible, to be my happy, feminine self to show everyone, cis, trans, nonbinary, or any identity, one possibility of what life can be like for a trans woman who does not pass, and for whom passing is not a distinct goal.
Well, the further you get in transition, the more you'll find yourself in that glass closet, whether that's your intent or not. That's the big point of the piece.
But I'm very happy for your pride.
That's quite possible. I lived in an invisible closet for half a century until reading SGW revealed the walls. (Once again, my deepest, most profound thanks for that week.) But at my age, I don't think I'll ever reach a point where I consider myself to be post-transition. (Hell, I *might* save up for the surgery I want by the time I'm 80.)
I know I'm still too early on to make any definite predictions, but if I see any walls forming around me, I'll have a hammer in my tool belt.
I don't know where you live, but more is covered in more places than you might think. Just sayin'.
I have looked fully into my coverage. Alberta only covers one particular type of bottom surgery (PIV) by one surgeon in Montreal. And due to my personal situation, I have no intention of leaving Alberta for the next decade or so. I'll probably see how much I can do to lobby Alberta Health to cover PPV, but that will require the ascension of a strong trans lobby group--and I'm getting too old to lead something like that. (Not that I'm physically incapable; I simply have no desire to be a leader anymore.)
But I appreciate your optimism. Perhaps the wind may shift as the trans population surges.
Oh, I betcha they're already working on it. PPT has *strong* evidence behind it.
Crossing my fingers and toes. Between the better risk profile and the, um, flexibility of preservation, it should become the leading type of vaginoplasty. But hey, work faster, medical peeps! I'm not getting any younger! :D
It would be interesting to see an enby perspective on this. In many ways, if and when I as a transfemme nonbinary person feel finished transitioning, success would be measured by the opposite of "passing" as anything in Cishet Land. Like, to me, success is confusion on other people's faces, to be glib about it. :P
Exactly! This is one of those where I, personally, have seen it more from a binary perspective. OTOH, it comes with knock-on problems. Nate Stevenson talks about this stuff on his Substack, if you're interested.
Beautiful, raw and emotional (as with so many of your pieces it brought me to tears)
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like my transition is complete
I am proud to be trans, it’s brought me so much joy, so many amazing experiences, and friends, and rn it feels like there’s a bigger fight coming to protect our siblings so I will continue to be visible and vocal
💕🫂🏳️⚧️💪
There's a saying about writing that I think might be apropos here:
Writing is never done. It is due.
It's sort of the way I view my transition. Like, do I have anything more planned aside from the last of my electrolysis cleanup? No. But I can't honestly keep hold of it, claiming to make big changes when all I'm doing is tinkering around the edges.
But I never have to stop tinkering.