my autistic unmasking led to my gender unmascing. once i got to the place where i could comfortably say 'i am autistic', it was only a matter of months that my gender was freely accessible to me.
I came here to say something similar. But in my case, it was vice versa. It was through the process of dealing with the trauma of growing up trans and masking, that I became aware of the community of autistic people online, and through them, realized I too was actually autistic.
Maybe it's just that I am both, or maybe not. It seems to me that there is a significant overlap between those two communities.
i am so happy that you found your way forward to both of your communities, Janet. it's some nice to connect with others who have some idea of one's own experience.
Our gender was the first "pillar of society," to fall. And when one falls, all of those assumptions that people view as default come into question. Gender, sexuality, neurodivergence, faith, polyamory, plurality - one by one we threw out the assumptions that society handed us and built something new that worked for us.
The relatively recent experience of spending a lot of time with LGBT people at an educators' conference (written about on my own SubStack) was profoundly beneficial because so many of them (especially those in their 20s) weren't masking nearly as much as anyone my age (over 40), and I was able to see that what people had often told me was ASC (in me) was far more likely to be untreated CPTSD.
I'm still seeking treatment but it's been an immense relief to be able to be so candid about this with other trans people who have been figuring out their own coping strategies, doing their own research, and getting their own treatment.
On a separate note, Doc, only days after I commented on one of your pieces that I'd had a particularly bad coming out to my colleagues (bearing out the value of your advice), I did manage to have something of a reset by posting on a Staff bulletin board my new e-mail address (that week), as well as my pronouns and full name which hadn't been disseminated as clearly, months before. It was the start of Trans History Week so I posted a few suggestions for how we could integrate it into our lessons, and the result was, as one colleague, "...the most hearted message in living memory."
I'm a facilitator at a trans support group just like the one you went to. The oldest trans support group in the world, in fact. We've been running for over half a century.
On the first Wednesday of every month, we split into identity breakout groups for transfemme, transmasc, and other gender expressions. I facilitate the transfemme group.
When I look at the main Zoom screen, with all those faces (and more than a few black boxes), I see a sea of women, along with a few nonbinary transfemmes. They're all women (or woman-adjacent), every single one. Even the absolute baby transfemmes, like you were at your first meeting. Sometimes they have beard shadow (or actual beards), short male haircuts, and masculine clothes. Sometimes they're using their birth names. Even then, I always see a woman on the screen, peeking out from underneath it all.
And then I look at my own frame, and I can't make myself see a woman. I can't extend that same grace to myself. I've been out for over three years, on HRT for almost as long. I had facial feminization surgery about six weeks ago, and my surgeon did a *fabulous* job. I no longer see a man in my video frame, thank goodness, but I still don't see a woman. I can't see my own face objectively at all.
Recovery is going great, actually. I feel a little like Rachel the Red-Nosed Reindeer from the swelling at the tip, and the hairline incision scar still looks pretty angry, but other than that I'm all healed. My forehead and nose look *amazing*. My jaw wasn't particularly masculine, so I didn't have any work done there.
This is 100% relatable. Imposter Syndrome is a trap I've fallen into way too many times. And it's wild to think back on encounters with other trans people and realize they also might have been experiencing this themselves while interacting with me.
No joke, I STILL get trans imposter syndrome from time to time, under the right circumstances. Just, I work to remind myself that there's no one ideal, and that nobody in the world cares half as much about me or my happiness as I do. (Well, maybe B—, but that's different)
For a while I thought that I didn't have imposter syndrome, since after coming out and accepting I was trans I have never been more sure of anything in my life. Only recently have I realized that I was struggling with it for years beforehand. I just don't think I recognized exactly how until going over it in therapy.
Though it definitely prevented me from starting transition as early as I would've liked, I am very glad to have it out of the way now. I can live my best life now, as much for the me of the present as for my past self.
Thank you for writing and sharing this. It felt, as I was reading, like it was written directly to me. OK, this is going to be even more cheesy, but....Every one of them words rang true, and glowed like burning coal, pouring off of every page, like it was written in my soul, from you to me. For sure tangled up in blue. Sorry for that. What you wrote is definitely a snapshot of the place in which I've been festering for decades. It makes me wonder if I've ever had deep personal connection with anyone. I'm inspired to share parts of myself I've always been ashamed to share.
Nine years into transition, and still susceptible to these triggers. Happened today walking the dog in the city park. We pass children with their school monitors at the playground, and wham.
Minutes later get an affirmation from SumGai sitting on a bench. He tells my dog to take good care of mama. 🐩
Still catching up on your blog posts, but I may have to pace myself because I'm tearing up again.
"Deep, personal, human connection," including sharing parts of ourselves we're ashamed of, including our failures. That's what got me just now. I've talked about my best friend a lot throughout my blog and on Mastodon. We share the most intimate details of our lives with each other, and every day I thank the universe for bringing us together. Having her in my life has made my transition so much easier, especially coming to terms with my past.
I still haven't really connected with another trans woman on a deep, profound level, but my cisgender BFF has helped me feel confident about who I am.
The advice for beating Imposter Syndrome is by far one of the best writing I saw from your substack.
I'm slowly getting more comfortable regarding myself as Transfem Enby after years of knowing this but felt keep bogging down by Imposter Syndrome doubts and reading that advice I realize what I must do.
My Imposter Syndrome came from me having lack of signs growing up due to growing up in a very conservative society and feeling that the past conservatism still haunts me. As I told my friends about this, it's time to defeat that beast and heal the wounds so I don't constantly doubt myself.
Not to mention I felt this with me being Aroace, thinking I'm not for xyz reasons and now I don't doubt myself anymore, so it's time to do the same on Gender.
This speaks to me (in fact I wrote the poem a week ago, about discovering there's me underneath the mask I've thought *was* me all my life) though, as my genderfluid gender non-conformity isn't queer enough, obv (😄) it's specifically about my six month old self-diagnosed-around-my-66th-birthday autism. Not about my gender identity at all… ⚧️🤯
Yes, I *know* that, but still don't believe it. Working on that; if took *years* and a lot of grandmotherly kindness (with a metaphorical Big Stick) from a wonderful queer poet friend before I finally owned that I am a poet. Still don't feel remotely queer enough, but I can just about imagine that one day I might 🙂
It has been an eye-opening part of my own journey so far how much commonality there is in the response to social pressure to conform in trans people (and belated thanks for the part you've unknowingly contributed to that - finding your article on scientifically disproving the null hypothe-cis was exactly what I needed when I needed it, a week before my ReBirthday [as I come up on my first Tranniversary xD - I like wordplay!]). As you note, in retrospect it seems so obvious, but I remember being profoundly heartbroken that no one even responded to my anguished Reddit post to /asktrans if I were "Trans Enough" (from a person who never posts online... oh, look, I'm doing it again >.> ). I think there is profound healing in recognizing that we do all share common fears and doubts and that they stem from valid survival experiences we can (hopefully) move past. I know (now) the profound skill I have at reading a room and blending in with any group, which serves me so well as a therapist, comes from this very source - we do get good along with the bad, but we're really skilled at discounting it and ourselves. Someday I'd love to pick your brain on some thoughts I'm kicking around on trans psychology - but for now, my sincere thanks for the critical work you do and your courage being very real in a very public way.
my autistic unmasking led to my gender unmascing. once i got to the place where i could comfortably say 'i am autistic', it was only a matter of months that my gender was freely accessible to me.
I've heard that that happens a lot! I'm certainly no expert on autism, though.
I came here to say something similar. But in my case, it was vice versa. It was through the process of dealing with the trauma of growing up trans and masking, that I became aware of the community of autistic people online, and through them, realized I too was actually autistic.
Maybe it's just that I am both, or maybe not. It seems to me that there is a significant overlap between those two communities.
There is! Autistic people (and neurodivergent people generally to a lesser degree) are 3-6 times more likely to self-ID as trans!
So not confirmation bias. That's good to know. Thanks Doc.
Definitely not! There've been a whole series of really big studies which have confirmed it for a good while now.
i am so happy that you found your way forward to both of your communities, Janet. it's some nice to connect with others who have some idea of one's own experience.
Thank you Angela. You are so right. It all started to make sense as I began to come in contact with one, then the other, community.
Our gender was the first "pillar of society," to fall. And when one falls, all of those assumptions that people view as default come into question. Gender, sexuality, neurodivergence, faith, polyamory, plurality - one by one we threw out the assumptions that society handed us and built something new that worked for us.
The relatively recent experience of spending a lot of time with LGBT people at an educators' conference (written about on my own SubStack) was profoundly beneficial because so many of them (especially those in their 20s) weren't masking nearly as much as anyone my age (over 40), and I was able to see that what people had often told me was ASC (in me) was far more likely to be untreated CPTSD.
I'm still seeking treatment but it's been an immense relief to be able to be so candid about this with other trans people who have been figuring out their own coping strategies, doing their own research, and getting their own treatment.
On a separate note, Doc, only days after I commented on one of your pieces that I'd had a particularly bad coming out to my colleagues (bearing out the value of your advice), I did manage to have something of a reset by posting on a Staff bulletin board my new e-mail address (that week), as well as my pronouns and full name which hadn't been disseminated as clearly, months before. It was the start of Trans History Week so I posted a few suggestions for how we could integrate it into our lessons, and the result was, as one colleague, "...the most hearted message in living memory."
Thanks, again, for all you do here : )
Oh, YAY! That's wonderful news!!!
I feel so much of this.
I'm a facilitator at a trans support group just like the one you went to. The oldest trans support group in the world, in fact. We've been running for over half a century.
On the first Wednesday of every month, we split into identity breakout groups for transfemme, transmasc, and other gender expressions. I facilitate the transfemme group.
When I look at the main Zoom screen, with all those faces (and more than a few black boxes), I see a sea of women, along with a few nonbinary transfemmes. They're all women (or woman-adjacent), every single one. Even the absolute baby transfemmes, like you were at your first meeting. Sometimes they have beard shadow (or actual beards), short male haircuts, and masculine clothes. Sometimes they're using their birth names. Even then, I always see a woman on the screen, peeking out from underneath it all.
And then I look at my own frame, and I can't make myself see a woman. I can't extend that same grace to myself. I've been out for over three years, on HRT for almost as long. I had facial feminization surgery about six weeks ago, and my surgeon did a *fabulous* job. I no longer see a man in my video frame, thank goodness, but I still don't see a woman. I can't see my own face objectively at all.
It gets better, I promise--or, at least, it has for everyone I know who's gotten ffs. The recovery is a beast though.
Recovery is going great, actually. I feel a little like Rachel the Red-Nosed Reindeer from the swelling at the tip, and the hairline incision scar still looks pretty angry, but other than that I'm all healed. My forehead and nose look *amazing*. My jaw wasn't particularly masculine, so I didn't have any work done there.
This is 100% relatable. Imposter Syndrome is a trap I've fallen into way too many times. And it's wild to think back on encounters with other trans people and realize they also might have been experiencing this themselves while interacting with me.
No joke, I STILL get trans imposter syndrome from time to time, under the right circumstances. Just, I work to remind myself that there's no one ideal, and that nobody in the world cares half as much about me or my happiness as I do. (Well, maybe B—, but that's different)
Profoundly penned.
Gosh, thank you!
For a while I thought that I didn't have imposter syndrome, since after coming out and accepting I was trans I have never been more sure of anything in my life. Only recently have I realized that I was struggling with it for years beforehand. I just don't think I recognized exactly how until going over it in therapy.
Though it definitely prevented me from starting transition as early as I would've liked, I am very glad to have it out of the way now. I can live my best life now, as much for the me of the present as for my past self.
Thank you for writing and sharing this. It felt, as I was reading, like it was written directly to me. OK, this is going to be even more cheesy, but....Every one of them words rang true, and glowed like burning coal, pouring off of every page, like it was written in my soul, from you to me. For sure tangled up in blue. Sorry for that. What you wrote is definitely a snapshot of the place in which I've been festering for decades. It makes me wonder if I've ever had deep personal connection with anyone. I'm inspired to share parts of myself I've always been ashamed to share.
I'm so glad it helped. =)
Nine years into transition, and still susceptible to these triggers. Happened today walking the dog in the city park. We pass children with their school monitors at the playground, and wham.
Minutes later get an affirmation from SumGai sitting on a bench. He tells my dog to take good care of mama. 🐩
Forgot to add:
We pass a girl at the playground who claps a rhythm. I want to clap the same rhythm back to her, and don't for fear of imagined problems.
It is so much in our heads.
Still catching up on your blog posts, but I may have to pace myself because I'm tearing up again.
"Deep, personal, human connection," including sharing parts of ourselves we're ashamed of, including our failures. That's what got me just now. I've talked about my best friend a lot throughout my blog and on Mastodon. We share the most intimate details of our lives with each other, and every day I thank the universe for bringing us together. Having her in my life has made my transition so much easier, especially coming to terms with my past.
I still haven't really connected with another trans woman on a deep, profound level, but my cisgender BFF has helped me feel confident about who I am.
The advice for beating Imposter Syndrome is by far one of the best writing I saw from your substack.
I'm slowly getting more comfortable regarding myself as Transfem Enby after years of knowing this but felt keep bogging down by Imposter Syndrome doubts and reading that advice I realize what I must do.
My Imposter Syndrome came from me having lack of signs growing up due to growing up in a very conservative society and feeling that the past conservatism still haunts me. As I told my friends about this, it's time to defeat that beast and heal the wounds so I don't constantly doubt myself.
Not to mention I felt this with me being Aroace, thinking I'm not for xyz reasons and now I don't doubt myself anymore, so it's time to do the same on Gender.
Thank you so much! And yeah, it certainly extends to pretty much every other identity a person might have.
Hang in there. 🫂
Zoe how come I always read these at the exact right moment, even though I read them late and chronologically? Lol
I wish I knew! Especially because people tell me that a lot and I don't know how I seem to do that for so many people.
This speaks to me (in fact I wrote the poem a week ago, about discovering there's me underneath the mask I've thought *was* me all my life) though, as my genderfluid gender non-conformity isn't queer enough, obv (😄) it's specifically about my six month old self-diagnosed-around-my-66th-birthday autism. Not about my gender identity at all… ⚧️🤯
Your genderfluid nonconformity is 100% enough!
Yes, I *know* that, but still don't believe it. Working on that; if took *years* and a lot of grandmotherly kindness (with a metaphorical Big Stick) from a wonderful queer poet friend before I finally owned that I am a poet. Still don't feel remotely queer enough, but I can just about imagine that one day I might 🙂
Well then, maybe come on back for Monday's article. I think that might be a help to you. 🏳️⚧️💜🏳️⚧️
It has been an eye-opening part of my own journey so far how much commonality there is in the response to social pressure to conform in trans people (and belated thanks for the part you've unknowingly contributed to that - finding your article on scientifically disproving the null hypothe-cis was exactly what I needed when I needed it, a week before my ReBirthday [as I come up on my first Tranniversary xD - I like wordplay!]). As you note, in retrospect it seems so obvious, but I remember being profoundly heartbroken that no one even responded to my anguished Reddit post to /asktrans if I were "Trans Enough" (from a person who never posts online... oh, look, I'm doing it again >.> ). I think there is profound healing in recognizing that we do all share common fears and doubts and that they stem from valid survival experiences we can (hopefully) move past. I know (now) the profound skill I have at reading a room and blending in with any group, which serves me so well as a therapist, comes from this very source - we do get good along with the bad, but we're really skilled at discounting it and ourselves. Someday I'd love to pick your brain on some thoughts I'm kicking around on trans psychology - but for now, my sincere thanks for the critical work you do and your courage being very real in a very public way.
We come in glorious variety…Aaaaaaand yet somehow have these central tendencies. It's such an odd paradox.
🙏🏻