As of right now, i have like 2 voices in my head, one which is of my own version that is a man that looks like me but with short hairs and a small beard, the other is like a small ball of shining light with a female voice. The man tells me that my parents are right that i am not trans, that i shouldn't trust what i read on the internet. …
As of right now, i have like 2 voices in my head, one which is of my own version that is a man that looks like me but with short hairs and a small beard, the other is like a small ball of shining light with a female voice. The man tells me that my parents are right that i am not trans, that i shouldn't trust what i read on the internet. The ball tells me that i shouldn't listen to him, that what my parents thinks shouldn't matter to me. Then the man tells me that if i decide to do it even if they don't approve of that, i will end being homeless or shunned by them. The ball tells me that it's because they don't understand and that they will need time to accept it. After that, the man goes on the aggressive by telling me that you should listen to them, your mother helped you, and she is proud of the brilliant young man that is in CEGEP and performing greatly. The ball says that it came at a cost, feeling alone, not having friends at the CEGEP, and that you shouldn't listen to that voice. Then they continue to argue and i stop listening to them. It's starting to feel worse and worse, starting to cry when i pee in the toilet cabin, being stressed when i hear guys talking to each other. My parents wants that i fix what caused me to have suicidal thoughts before thinking to start transitioning.
There's a beautiful quote, written by Brianna Wiest, that I think you might appreciate right now:
“Your new life is going to cost you your old one.
It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense
of direction.
It’s going to cost you relationships and friends.
It’s going to cost you being liked and understood.
It doesn’t matter.
The people who are meant for you are going to meet you
on the other side. You’re going to build a new comfort
zone around the things that actually move you forward.
Instead of being liked, you’re going to be loved. Instead of
being understood, you’re going to be seen.
All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you
no longer are.”
But that's every big change, not just this one, and every part of being alive. It's hard and it's scary, and, in the end, it's always, *always* so worth it.
Finally understood what was wrong with me feeling bad: i was masking my autism and trying to fit in the mold to be normal. Being diagnosed with Asperger at a young age and before the changes with the categories, what i saw with autistic peoples was peoples who would need to be helped even when they would reach adulthood and what i saw for me was retards and idiots, and i said "No, i am not autistic because autistic persons will always need to be helped by someone, always in their worlds" and when i reached secondary 3, i shut down what i was to try to look normal. It costed me a lot: suicidal thoughts in secondary 4, a future i wasn't so sure, loss of who i was really, feeling like repeating stuff, suicide attempt in september of this year, the rest of the month being rocky as hell to finally get the help i needed and found out what was the true problem, now only time will help, talking to psychologists and other will help me greatly.
As of right now, i have like 2 voices in my head, one which is of my own version that is a man that looks like me but with short hairs and a small beard, the other is like a small ball of shining light with a female voice. The man tells me that my parents are right that i am not trans, that i shouldn't trust what i read on the internet. The ball tells me that i shouldn't listen to him, that what my parents thinks shouldn't matter to me. Then the man tells me that if i decide to do it even if they don't approve of that, i will end being homeless or shunned by them. The ball tells me that it's because they don't understand and that they will need time to accept it. After that, the man goes on the aggressive by telling me that you should listen to them, your mother helped you, and she is proud of the brilliant young man that is in CEGEP and performing greatly. The ball says that it came at a cost, feeling alone, not having friends at the CEGEP, and that you shouldn't listen to that voice. Then they continue to argue and i stop listening to them. It's starting to feel worse and worse, starting to cry when i pee in the toilet cabin, being stressed when i hear guys talking to each other. My parents wants that i fix what caused me to have suicidal thoughts before thinking to start transitioning.
There's a beautiful quote, written by Brianna Wiest, that I think you might appreciate right now:
“Your new life is going to cost you your old one.
It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense
of direction.
It’s going to cost you relationships and friends.
It’s going to cost you being liked and understood.
It doesn’t matter.
The people who are meant for you are going to meet you
on the other side. You’re going to build a new comfort
zone around the things that actually move you forward.
Instead of being liked, you’re going to be loved. Instead of
being understood, you’re going to be seen.
All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you
no longer are.”
But that's every big change, not just this one, and every part of being alive. It's hard and it's scary, and, in the end, it's always, *always* so worth it.
Finally understood what was wrong with me feeling bad: i was masking my autism and trying to fit in the mold to be normal. Being diagnosed with Asperger at a young age and before the changes with the categories, what i saw with autistic peoples was peoples who would need to be helped even when they would reach adulthood and what i saw for me was retards and idiots, and i said "No, i am not autistic because autistic persons will always need to be helped by someone, always in their worlds" and when i reached secondary 3, i shut down what i was to try to look normal. It costed me a lot: suicidal thoughts in secondary 4, a future i wasn't so sure, loss of who i was really, feeling like repeating stuff, suicide attempt in september of this year, the rest of the month being rocky as hell to finally get the help i needed and found out what was the true problem, now only time will help, talking to psychologists and other will help me greatly.
🫂🫂🫂