I think there's a similar question to "what about feminine men and masculine women" or "can't they just be gay", which is "what if my daughter just wants to be a boy because of (internalised) misogyny?"
My answer to that question, as a trans man, is: As the rest of the piece has said, gender and choosing to transition are due to internal feelings. Internalised misogyny and being the victim of sexism often make women feel bad, and can make them imagine that life would be better as a man. However, these women know that actually living as a man would make them unhappy, and so instead of transitioning they campaign for women to be treated better. Many trans men put a lot of thought into whether we have internalised misogyny, but when we overcome any sexism we learned we usually still want to transition. Transitioning for us isn't about becoming a "better" gender, just about becoming the gender that's right for us. (Plus, trans men often end up worse off than cis women -- worse wage gaps, higher unemployment, higher rates of sexual assault -- so the idea that we transition so that we can gain male privilege is misguided.)
Hey there, first of all this article has helped me understand much better! I do feel a bit confused but for me, being confused about someone is no excuse to make them feel invalidated.
I do have a question and I am so sorry if it comes off as rude/crude because I do trip up the most with separating the gender from sex…
Okay so here it goes and no worries if you don’t want to answer.
So.. Like let’s say a trans man says he is gay… But he has a vagina and the man he pursues with male gender has a penis… In this hypothetical situation, this is what the trans man looks for in a partner. Would I be accurate in thinking that this trans man is gay in terms of gender but straight instead of sex?
Like, for me, a partner having a penis is important to my sex life so would it ever be rude to ask like, if they were straight in terms of sex?
I realise it’s crude so again, sorry for that but I just want to make as much sense as possible… There is a lot of fear about it when I talk to co-workers and even some friends. I don’t think all the fear is justified, but labels do help me understand better.
Again, thank you for your article it cleared up a lot of things I was confused about. I have no idea the mastectomy was reversible/most common and that a majority of trans people don’t try to get genital surgery!
Your question is actually easier to answer than you think, and you already know the answer!
Imagine that you had a cis boyfriend—assigned male at birth. Has a penis. And one day he gets into a terrible car accident, and as part of that accident, he loses his penis. Is your relationship suddenly not gay because he doesn't have a penis anymore?
Of course it's still gay!
It being gay has nothing to do with whatever is or isn't in your boyfriend's pants. He's a dude, you're a dude, you're in love, it's gay. And your boyfriend in this example could still fulfill the role you want in bed—just, probably, with a strap-on, the exact same as a gay trans dude who didn't want bottom surgery could.
If you want to be with a partner who has a dick, be up front about having a genital preference—and you can just say it that sumple: “I have a genital preference for dick. No hard feelings if we're not compatible.” That's your business, and it's your right to say so. Just…be ready for some folks to be put off by it, in the same way the guys who are all “I only date Black guys” sometimes get called out for racism over it.
Cuz while it's your right to have a preference, it's also their right to think it's a little transphobic, since it's a categorical statement that rules out like 97% of the trans dude (yeah, only about 3% of trans guys get bottom surgery) dating pool for eligibility with you. And like…any time a person has a preference that rules out 97% of a demographic, they really just don't date people of that demographic, whether it's trans guys or Black guys or Christian guys or whatever.
And no judgment from me on any of this, for clarity! You do you, bro. But I'm guessing that this isn't the answer you expected, is it? And maybe it makes you feel a little uncomfortable.
If so, my gentle suggestion to you would be this: maybe have a good, long, careful think to yourself about whether or not your preference is really about what you think it is. Most people, especially cis people, who really dig into this stuff discover that it's not—especially when there's convoluted logic coming into play to tey and work around something really simple and straightforward, as is the case with your question.
Cuz, would you really take a pass on your perfect dreamboat of a cis guy just because he was in a tragically specific car accident? Cuz if you'd still give him a shot, it's not about the dick with trans guys, is it?
Hi, I notice that a majority of these comments are like a year old but I hope you'd still be around to answer a few things. First off I might have a bit of a bias towards things as I'm a Christian, so I apologize in advance for anything that I say that's not right. Anyways, I have a lot of friends who are trans and I'm unopposed by it, I don't care, I will call people what they want because I see it as more of a nickname rather than anything else. However, I still don't get it, and I even read your entire article, it was very well written and informative but I still always wonder. Is this sense of dysphoria majority speaking, caused by societal norms? I see gender as just a word. Something to basically describe your biology at birth. That's all it is right? In my eyes both genders are the same, we're people, we're all the same, but we all have our quirks. Why do we stereotype each other so much? A girl is seen as soft spoken, gentle, and petite. While a guy is seen as tough, stoic, and rowdy. Why? I wonder if this stereotyping never existed in the first place there would be a significant decrease in trans people today.
Transgender people confuse me a lot too. I naturally will identify a person as a he or she based on tone of voice a lot. Especially whenever I'm talking to someone via discord or something. I don't mean to be rude but I will instinctively say he when it's she, and I will often be blissfully unaware a person is trans until the information is staring straight at me. I hope this doesn't rub you the wrong way, truly, but it feels like every time I try to talk to a friend who is trans, I have to perform a series of mental gymnastics in order to identify/talk to them correctly and I have been dealing with this issue for years and it hasn't gotten easier to talk to them. I hear lower tone voice, I think male, is that a bad thing? Cuz I feel like a jerk every time my brain thinks this. Do you have any advice or logic on how to deal with this, I love my friends, but whenever I am with them I feel odd around them and I don't know what that means.
Hi there! Let's start with voices, because some of what you're saying is understandable, while some can be really hurtful to the trans people around you. I want you to have a listen to Shohreh Aghdashloo, who plays Avasarala in The Expanse. She's cisgender, and probably has a deeper voice than you: https://youtu.be/cmRQXpbeA-0
That's quite something, huh?
Women, whether cis or trans, have voices that come in all sorts of deepnesses. One of the most common reasons a cis gal might have a low voice is called PCOS, and it happens in *10%* of all cis women, give or take! So, just from a purely biological standpoint, trying to guess someone's gender from the pitch of their voice is not only likely to be wrong, but you're probably going to hurt people's feelings, and more often a cis gal's feelings than a trans person's.
I think a lot of the sort of discomfort you're describing does come from stereotyping, but not stereotyping on trans folks' parts--stereotyping on yours, and many people's. There's nothing that makes men stoic or rowdy, and nothing that makes women gentle or petite, except people telling them to be, and I'm sure you yourself can not only think of sensitive guy friends and rowdy women friends, but many times where you yourself have felt limited and hurt by the feeling that you need to be stoic, even when all you wanted to do was cry or ask for help. People are people, first and foremost. We all share needs for care, authenticity, and personal expression.
Now, it sounds like you're distressed by a number of these things, and specifically how trans people react to the fact that you misgendering them, that you don't see gender as important, that you ultimately don't see trans folks as being the gender we say and feel we are. I'd invite you to stop and think about that just a bit. The person, in every one of those reactions and situations, that you're caring about most
Is you, and your discomfort.
Not them, not their feelings, not their struggles or lived reality, but your beliefs and preferences and presuppositions. That's not very Christlike when you get down to it, is it?
Because you don't really see us as the gender we say we are, you're constantly making--and failing to make, because people make mistakes--modifications in your head when you interact with the trans folks in your life. Because your core idea of a trans person is "Aaron who wants to go by Amanda," you're constantly converting "Andrew" to "Amanda" on the fly, and missing the conversion constantly--it's a lot like how, when you learn a second language, if you end up translating in your head from your native language, you constantly mess up, but when you just live and immerse yourself in that language until you're responding naturally in it, the mistakes disappear. It's not something inherently wrong with you--it's that you're not accepting the new language, or your trans friends, as natural and equally legitimate.
One way to understand why this hurts trans people would be for you to think of that annoying jackass atheist I'm sure you've run into before. You know That Guy, who refuses to even acknowledge your faith as a legitimate part of who you are and the whole interaction you have with him, every goddamn time, it feels like he's sneering down his nose at you when he's not outright attacking your beliefs. Like that arrogant asshole somehow knows the truth of your heart better than you do. That's what it feels like for trans folks to be around people who refuse to accept us for who we are, why it hurts, and why we will often withdraw from those relationships if the other people in them don't grow and adjust their behaviors.
As for your larger questions about what dysphoria is and such, I'd invite you to explore https://genderdysphoria.fyi to get a better picture. What we know is that each person's sense of gender is innate, and strongly biological, so it's definitely not just social stereotyping. Trans people have existed at every stage of human existence, and even appear several times in the Bible--heck, one of Jesus' apostles, John (if I'm remembering my exegesis correctly; I just woke up, so apologies if I got two apostles backwards here), came from a culture and a religion that worshipped a trans goddess and whose priestesshood was entirely trans! If Jesus had wanted to say outright that trans people were bad, he definitely could've, and knew all about trans people in his day and age.
But he didn't.
Jesus said "Love thy neighbor." not love thy Christian neighbor, or love thy neighbor when they behave in the way you feel is best. Just ✨love thy neighbor✨. Unconditionally. And not to love them in the hope of change or conversion. Just love them, because they too are the creation of God's hand.
Maybe sit with that a while. I think this might be, for you, a calling to grow.
I always believe that accepting others for who they are is the right thing and right Christian mindset. It still is hard to accept certain things for what they, but I really hope I can improve in the future. I guess the reasons why I have a lot of trouble with certain ideas is that I want to have my beliefs but I'm also trying to accept others that go against mine. Which is selfish. I dream about a world where we can co-exist and everyone is happy with their beliefs and ideas. However, I feel like I'm shooting this dream in the foot because It's hard to do both if you understand what I mean. Although, trans people from what I can tell, is never brought up as sinful thing in the bible. So why do I see so many Christian people, hell even my dad, see trans people as this terrible thing. Now a majority of them won't be raising pitch forks and throwing hands whenever they see a trans person. Quite the opposite, they'd act friendly but would always have a second opinion about them. But is this more a political thing rather than religion? I've never really got into American politics or politics in general. Never interested me that much (But I suppose in some aspects it has influenced my judgement). But a reason why I think this might be the case is because I also have a good friend who is a big right leaning republican and Christian who despises trans people. I've tried, boy, I've TRIED to explain this kind of stuff to him, how Christians should be more accepting towards trans people. He wouldn't have any of it. I tried introducing him to friend groups with trans people in it in the past, it didn't work out, lets just put it there. I love him as a friend but goodness I can't break through his mindset for the life of me and it really saddens me because he can be such a nice guy and extremely chill. This is an extreme example, but is the reason why we have such hard time accepting this kind of change is more because of politics or even just a cultural thing rather than religion? My dad is also right leaning republican (lesser than my friend, he's not as transphobic). Is this a fluke or is this an actual thing?
I really appreciate your response by the way. I will try to love thy neighbor any way that I can. I can tell that this is something you're truly passionate about and I thank that your able to help me even if there are some things we don't see eye to eye. I just want to help and be accepting toward my friends as much as I can, and even if it's a difficult step to make, I'd be willing to try if it means my friends can be happy too. I've had one trans friend who I, at one point, became very worried about, mentally speaking. And it would absolutely devastate me if I lost someone because I wasn't careful, or I didn't do something right (to my knowledge they're okay still by the way). I don't want to imagine something like that. I want to improve to help others, and people like you help me in so many ways. Thanks.
I certainly understand your mental disconnect in terms of faith--there are a lot of people who use Christianity as an excuse to justify their hatred towards trans people, same as those tho did (and do!) use Christianity to justify their racism of various flavor. To be honest, there's a very long history of American Christians using their faith as an excuse to justify their politics of hatred--it really does go back as far as European settlers have been here. So, if you're really looking for an explanation, it's this: they believe that their preferences are ordained by God. It's called dominionism, generally, or Christian nationalism. There's not really a way *to* square that circle.
I'm very glad that you're making the effort to be a good friend to the people you love, though.
Hi Zoe, I'm a trans woman who wants to start hrt but my parents don't want me to start it mainly because side effects that are presented in this... I have tried countering some of the claims by saying that the increased chance for AD is caused by social distress. But I failed countering other things. I would really appreciate help (sorry if it's not a good place to ask, but thank anyways <3).
I would suggest asking your parents to meet with an actual doctor who does HRT to talk about what the *actual* risks and their likelihood are, rather than relying on some random, uncredentialed transphobe's Substack (yes, I am aware of the irony of saying so on my own). A family therapist with expertise in trans health would also be a good route. Unfortunately, though, if you're a minor, they have the legal authority to stop you from starting HRT until you're of age in most countries, and there's not much to be done about that except wait until you're of age if they dig their heels in and refuse to learn.
As a request, please remove the link to the transphobe's blog from your comment. I would rather there not be any redirect to there from anywhere in SGW.
I wish I could help more, but since I'm a teacher, mandated reporter laws affect me, and they can get really complicated when someone's in another state or country. There's very little I can do because of those responsibilities.
Yes - thank you for your generosity of answering. I hope my prompting of why does defining sex organs matter so much and let’s focus on the care of laying foundation for support. Appreciate this article and your being here.
This was so helpful to read and be able to pass on - thank you, thank you! Question:) I was just having a tough conversation a couple nights ago with a preschool teacher. She was sharing her concern that young minds are so moldable that talking about being transgender should be postponed to age 10. I can pull many of the things you mentioned here like supporting people and if not just getting out of their way but is there any other thoughts you have that I could help assuage that fear? Thank you again.
On second thought: remind her that at those ages, it's all just clothes and names and telling kids that you love them--no medical interventions at all. And if it were *ever* possible to convince a cis person that they're trans, or vice versa, conversion therapy would work.
It doesn't. So all that happens by supporting your kid is letting them know that you'll love them absolutely no matter what.
This is such a helpful article to read and pass on thank you, thank you! I was just having some of these difficult conversations with a preschool teacher friend of mine and her concern is that "young children's minds are so moldable that talking about being trans too young" scares her. I can pull many of things you mentioned here like just getting out of peoples way to hopefully truly supporting people but is there anything else I can say that can hopefully gently shift this thinking?
Another great article! One part made me laugh out loud, though: "Puberty blockers have been around for a really long time—since the 1980s". Way to make me feel old, Doc! :P
I'm going to share this on Mastodon, quoting the part about the 1980s lime green. (I think I had a hat that color, back in ancient times.) It's the best metaphor for a difference of understanding I've seen.
I know; just bugging you because I've been around since the 60s (if only for a couple of months). That's one reason this process is rather intimidating; my egg is cracking at 53. I woke up this morning thinking, "No, no, none of this is real. Stop making things up!" Luckily, a couple of trans women I know have reached out with advice and support, including the name of a specialist who works in the city I'm near, so I'll get the help I need to be my real self.
When you go on gender affirming HRT, your natal fertility will be suppressed--but by how much is an open question. 24% of people on estrogenic HRT still produce viable sperm, for instance, regardless of how long they've been on it! For most people, though, fertility gets zeroed out as long as you're on it.
However, many trans people want to have kids, and for the overwhelming majority, going off of HRT for 3-6 months is enough to restore full fertility. Many trans guys who carry a child call themselves seahorse dads, for instance! https://seahorsefilm.com/
And for those who don't want to go off hrt, cryopreservation before starting HRT is a very common option. One of my friends, who went on HRT over a decade ago, had their first child with preserved material last year!
Great article thanks for writing it. I am a crossdresser and never understood why friends that transitioned never had the complete surgery or were attracted to men.
Well, that's because every transition is complete--there are as many different ways of being transgender as there are trans people! Different people need different things, and the really good part about everything medical right now is that a lot of the old demands/expectations that people transition in one specific way are getting thrown away.
I understand your stated concerns. However, they are simply, conclusively, and decidedly untrue. The data about kids transitioning was addressed systematically in the article.
Trans people are wildly underrepresented in the locker rooms and bathrooms situations you're alluding to: https://www.whoismakingnews.com/
As to women's sport? Trans women have been welcome at the Olympics for over twenty years, which spans something like 3000 medal events and over 10,000 awarded women's medals in that time, counting team events. And in that time, not one single trans woman has ever gotten a medal of any sort. If there were an actual element of unfairness, it would show up there, at the highest levels of competition. It does not.
So, not only do I stand by every word you question here, and doubly so what you quoted. It makes me very sad that so many well-meaning, reasonable people have been tricked by hateful people who want to exterminate trans people and are willing to lie to do it--but that does not change the motivation behind their words, which you repeat here.
Separate but equal is never equal. Ever. It didn't work for Jim Crow segregation, and it won't work now.
The science is all but unanimous in support of trans inclusion and validating our lives and experiences. I would gently suggest that the doubts you describe are wildly unsupported by fact, and that you have been bamboozled by people with deeply insidious motives.
Listen to the experts. There are towering bibliographies--which I cited here--ray support us, and a handful of extremely sketchy opinion articles and retracted studies against. The scientific consensus is crystal clear.
I would invite you to de-center your comfort as the main concern in this conversation. To be frank, none of any of this is about you--it is about trans people, and our right to exist equally and and openly in public society. If the facts of our reality make you uncomfortable, I would recommend that you examine the *actual causes* of that discomfort within you, not the symptoms which trigger it.
For instance, I gave substantial evidence that none of your concerns have any valid basis in fact. Rather than taking that evidence in hand, saying to yourself, "wow, I'd been bamboozled! I wonder how people were able to convince me to support the same policies that were the cornerstone of Jim Crow segregation," you're lashing out again, still in support of those monstrous positions, and asking a member of an oppressed group of people to validate your feelings.
I'll be blunt: your feelings on this matter are not valid, as they are based in hateful myths designed to justify the oppression and extermination of trans people. So long as you support segregation for trans people, you are not our ally--you are our oppressor. I will not debate, nor will I allow to be debated, our right to exist equally in this space. It is dehumanizing for you to expect me to do so. If you want to consider yourself an ally to our community, you have some considerable growing to do. I have engaged with you to this point in the hope that you would realize how badly you've been taken in by monstrous people, but your post here makes me strongly suspect that you are not here in good faith.
This conversation is over. If you attempt to continue it, you will be banned and your comments removed.
Thank you so much for this! this is exactly what i have been looking for. very simple and very informative. perfect for spreading knowledge. <3
I'm glad!!
Thank you for this, it's really good!
I think there's a similar question to "what about feminine men and masculine women" or "can't they just be gay", which is "what if my daughter just wants to be a boy because of (internalised) misogyny?"
My answer to that question, as a trans man, is: As the rest of the piece has said, gender and choosing to transition are due to internal feelings. Internalised misogyny and being the victim of sexism often make women feel bad, and can make them imagine that life would be better as a man. However, these women know that actually living as a man would make them unhappy, and so instead of transitioning they campaign for women to be treated better. Many trans men put a lot of thought into whether we have internalised misogyny, but when we overcome any sexism we learned we usually still want to transition. Transitioning for us isn't about becoming a "better" gender, just about becoming the gender that's right for us. (Plus, trans men often end up worse off than cis women -- worse wage gaps, higher unemployment, higher rates of sexual assault -- so the idea that we transition so that we can gain male privilege is misguided.)
This is a great primer! Thank you 😊
Thank you for answering my question, I think I get it a bit more now. I’m sorry again to have asked the question but really
thankful for your answer as you have a way of putting it that makes me have some light bulb moments…
I will have a think on what you said and have a look at some of
your other articles.
No worries! And I'm a technical writer and a teacher, so fielding unexpected questions is kind of a core part of what I do for a living. 😊
Hey there, first of all this article has helped me understand much better! I do feel a bit confused but for me, being confused about someone is no excuse to make them feel invalidated.
I do have a question and I am so sorry if it comes off as rude/crude because I do trip up the most with separating the gender from sex…
Okay so here it goes and no worries if you don’t want to answer.
So.. Like let’s say a trans man says he is gay… But he has a vagina and the man he pursues with male gender has a penis… In this hypothetical situation, this is what the trans man looks for in a partner. Would I be accurate in thinking that this trans man is gay in terms of gender but straight instead of sex?
Like, for me, a partner having a penis is important to my sex life so would it ever be rude to ask like, if they were straight in terms of sex?
I realise it’s crude so again, sorry for that but I just want to make as much sense as possible… There is a lot of fear about it when I talk to co-workers and even some friends. I don’t think all the fear is justified, but labels do help me understand better.
Again, thank you for your article it cleared up a lot of things I was confused about. I have no idea the mastectomy was reversible/most common and that a majority of trans people don’t try to get genital surgery!
Your question is actually easier to answer than you think, and you already know the answer!
Imagine that you had a cis boyfriend—assigned male at birth. Has a penis. And one day he gets into a terrible car accident, and as part of that accident, he loses his penis. Is your relationship suddenly not gay because he doesn't have a penis anymore?
Of course it's still gay!
It being gay has nothing to do with whatever is or isn't in your boyfriend's pants. He's a dude, you're a dude, you're in love, it's gay. And your boyfriend in this example could still fulfill the role you want in bed—just, probably, with a strap-on, the exact same as a gay trans dude who didn't want bottom surgery could.
If you want to be with a partner who has a dick, be up front about having a genital preference—and you can just say it that sumple: “I have a genital preference for dick. No hard feelings if we're not compatible.” That's your business, and it's your right to say so. Just…be ready for some folks to be put off by it, in the same way the guys who are all “I only date Black guys” sometimes get called out for racism over it.
Cuz while it's your right to have a preference, it's also their right to think it's a little transphobic, since it's a categorical statement that rules out like 97% of the trans dude (yeah, only about 3% of trans guys get bottom surgery) dating pool for eligibility with you. And like…any time a person has a preference that rules out 97% of a demographic, they really just don't date people of that demographic, whether it's trans guys or Black guys or Christian guys or whatever.
And no judgment from me on any of this, for clarity! You do you, bro. But I'm guessing that this isn't the answer you expected, is it? And maybe it makes you feel a little uncomfortable.
If so, my gentle suggestion to you would be this: maybe have a good, long, careful think to yourself about whether or not your preference is really about what you think it is. Most people, especially cis people, who really dig into this stuff discover that it's not—especially when there's convoluted logic coming into play to tey and work around something really simple and straightforward, as is the case with your question.
Cuz, would you really take a pass on your perfect dreamboat of a cis guy just because he was in a tragically specific car accident? Cuz if you'd still give him a shot, it's not about the dick with trans guys, is it?
Hi, I notice that a majority of these comments are like a year old but I hope you'd still be around to answer a few things. First off I might have a bit of a bias towards things as I'm a Christian, so I apologize in advance for anything that I say that's not right. Anyways, I have a lot of friends who are trans and I'm unopposed by it, I don't care, I will call people what they want because I see it as more of a nickname rather than anything else. However, I still don't get it, and I even read your entire article, it was very well written and informative but I still always wonder. Is this sense of dysphoria majority speaking, caused by societal norms? I see gender as just a word. Something to basically describe your biology at birth. That's all it is right? In my eyes both genders are the same, we're people, we're all the same, but we all have our quirks. Why do we stereotype each other so much? A girl is seen as soft spoken, gentle, and petite. While a guy is seen as tough, stoic, and rowdy. Why? I wonder if this stereotyping never existed in the first place there would be a significant decrease in trans people today.
Transgender people confuse me a lot too. I naturally will identify a person as a he or she based on tone of voice a lot. Especially whenever I'm talking to someone via discord or something. I don't mean to be rude but I will instinctively say he when it's she, and I will often be blissfully unaware a person is trans until the information is staring straight at me. I hope this doesn't rub you the wrong way, truly, but it feels like every time I try to talk to a friend who is trans, I have to perform a series of mental gymnastics in order to identify/talk to them correctly and I have been dealing with this issue for years and it hasn't gotten easier to talk to them. I hear lower tone voice, I think male, is that a bad thing? Cuz I feel like a jerk every time my brain thinks this. Do you have any advice or logic on how to deal with this, I love my friends, but whenever I am with them I feel odd around them and I don't know what that means.
Hi there! Let's start with voices, because some of what you're saying is understandable, while some can be really hurtful to the trans people around you. I want you to have a listen to Shohreh Aghdashloo, who plays Avasarala in The Expanse. She's cisgender, and probably has a deeper voice than you: https://youtu.be/cmRQXpbeA-0
That's quite something, huh?
Women, whether cis or trans, have voices that come in all sorts of deepnesses. One of the most common reasons a cis gal might have a low voice is called PCOS, and it happens in *10%* of all cis women, give or take! So, just from a purely biological standpoint, trying to guess someone's gender from the pitch of their voice is not only likely to be wrong, but you're probably going to hurt people's feelings, and more often a cis gal's feelings than a trans person's.
I think a lot of the sort of discomfort you're describing does come from stereotyping, but not stereotyping on trans folks' parts--stereotyping on yours, and many people's. There's nothing that makes men stoic or rowdy, and nothing that makes women gentle or petite, except people telling them to be, and I'm sure you yourself can not only think of sensitive guy friends and rowdy women friends, but many times where you yourself have felt limited and hurt by the feeling that you need to be stoic, even when all you wanted to do was cry or ask for help. People are people, first and foremost. We all share needs for care, authenticity, and personal expression.
Now, it sounds like you're distressed by a number of these things, and specifically how trans people react to the fact that you misgendering them, that you don't see gender as important, that you ultimately don't see trans folks as being the gender we say and feel we are. I'd invite you to stop and think about that just a bit. The person, in every one of those reactions and situations, that you're caring about most
Is you, and your discomfort.
Not them, not their feelings, not their struggles or lived reality, but your beliefs and preferences and presuppositions. That's not very Christlike when you get down to it, is it?
Because you don't really see us as the gender we say we are, you're constantly making--and failing to make, because people make mistakes--modifications in your head when you interact with the trans folks in your life. Because your core idea of a trans person is "Aaron who wants to go by Amanda," you're constantly converting "Andrew" to "Amanda" on the fly, and missing the conversion constantly--it's a lot like how, when you learn a second language, if you end up translating in your head from your native language, you constantly mess up, but when you just live and immerse yourself in that language until you're responding naturally in it, the mistakes disappear. It's not something inherently wrong with you--it's that you're not accepting the new language, or your trans friends, as natural and equally legitimate.
One way to understand why this hurts trans people would be for you to think of that annoying jackass atheist I'm sure you've run into before. You know That Guy, who refuses to even acknowledge your faith as a legitimate part of who you are and the whole interaction you have with him, every goddamn time, it feels like he's sneering down his nose at you when he's not outright attacking your beliefs. Like that arrogant asshole somehow knows the truth of your heart better than you do. That's what it feels like for trans folks to be around people who refuse to accept us for who we are, why it hurts, and why we will often withdraw from those relationships if the other people in them don't grow and adjust their behaviors.
As for your larger questions about what dysphoria is and such, I'd invite you to explore https://genderdysphoria.fyi to get a better picture. What we know is that each person's sense of gender is innate, and strongly biological, so it's definitely not just social stereotyping. Trans people have existed at every stage of human existence, and even appear several times in the Bible--heck, one of Jesus' apostles, John (if I'm remembering my exegesis correctly; I just woke up, so apologies if I got two apostles backwards here), came from a culture and a religion that worshipped a trans goddess and whose priestesshood was entirely trans! If Jesus had wanted to say outright that trans people were bad, he definitely could've, and knew all about trans people in his day and age.
But he didn't.
Jesus said "Love thy neighbor." not love thy Christian neighbor, or love thy neighbor when they behave in the way you feel is best. Just ✨love thy neighbor✨. Unconditionally. And not to love them in the hope of change or conversion. Just love them, because they too are the creation of God's hand.
Maybe sit with that a while. I think this might be, for you, a calling to grow.
I always believe that accepting others for who they are is the right thing and right Christian mindset. It still is hard to accept certain things for what they, but I really hope I can improve in the future. I guess the reasons why I have a lot of trouble with certain ideas is that I want to have my beliefs but I'm also trying to accept others that go against mine. Which is selfish. I dream about a world where we can co-exist and everyone is happy with their beliefs and ideas. However, I feel like I'm shooting this dream in the foot because It's hard to do both if you understand what I mean. Although, trans people from what I can tell, is never brought up as sinful thing in the bible. So why do I see so many Christian people, hell even my dad, see trans people as this terrible thing. Now a majority of them won't be raising pitch forks and throwing hands whenever they see a trans person. Quite the opposite, they'd act friendly but would always have a second opinion about them. But is this more a political thing rather than religion? I've never really got into American politics or politics in general. Never interested me that much (But I suppose in some aspects it has influenced my judgement). But a reason why I think this might be the case is because I also have a good friend who is a big right leaning republican and Christian who despises trans people. I've tried, boy, I've TRIED to explain this kind of stuff to him, how Christians should be more accepting towards trans people. He wouldn't have any of it. I tried introducing him to friend groups with trans people in it in the past, it didn't work out, lets just put it there. I love him as a friend but goodness I can't break through his mindset for the life of me and it really saddens me because he can be such a nice guy and extremely chill. This is an extreme example, but is the reason why we have such hard time accepting this kind of change is more because of politics or even just a cultural thing rather than religion? My dad is also right leaning republican (lesser than my friend, he's not as transphobic). Is this a fluke or is this an actual thing?
I really appreciate your response by the way. I will try to love thy neighbor any way that I can. I can tell that this is something you're truly passionate about and I thank that your able to help me even if there are some things we don't see eye to eye. I just want to help and be accepting toward my friends as much as I can, and even if it's a difficult step to make, I'd be willing to try if it means my friends can be happy too. I've had one trans friend who I, at one point, became very worried about, mentally speaking. And it would absolutely devastate me if I lost someone because I wasn't careful, or I didn't do something right (to my knowledge they're okay still by the way). I don't want to imagine something like that. I want to improve to help others, and people like you help me in so many ways. Thanks.
I certainly understand your mental disconnect in terms of faith--there are a lot of people who use Christianity as an excuse to justify their hatred towards trans people, same as those tho did (and do!) use Christianity to justify their racism of various flavor. To be honest, there's a very long history of American Christians using their faith as an excuse to justify their politics of hatred--it really does go back as far as European settlers have been here. So, if you're really looking for an explanation, it's this: they believe that their preferences are ordained by God. It's called dominionism, generally, or Christian nationalism. There's not really a way *to* square that circle.
I'm very glad that you're making the effort to be a good friend to the people you love, though.
Hi Zoe, I'm a trans woman who wants to start hrt but my parents don't want me to start it mainly because side effects that are presented in this... I have tried countering some of the claims by saying that the increased chance for AD is caused by social distress. But I failed countering other things. I would really appreciate help (sorry if it's not a good place to ask, but thank anyways <3).
Hi, Linh,
I would suggest asking your parents to meet with an actual doctor who does HRT to talk about what the *actual* risks and their likelihood are, rather than relying on some random, uncredentialed transphobe's Substack (yes, I am aware of the irony of saying so on my own). A family therapist with expertise in trans health would also be a good route. Unfortunately, though, if you're a minor, they have the legal authority to stop you from starting HRT until you're of age in most countries, and there's not much to be done about that except wait until you're of age if they dig their heels in and refuse to learn.
As a request, please remove the link to the transphobe's blog from your comment. I would rather there not be any redirect to there from anywhere in SGW.
I wish I could help more, but since I'm a teacher, mandated reporter laws affect me, and they can get really complicated when someone's in another state or country. There's very little I can do because of those responsibilities.
Thank you for your help :3
FYI the link to your page on the Ferris State University website is dead
The university page had to be taken down for safety reasons. Hopefully we'll be able to put it back up in a while.
Yes - thank you for your generosity of answering. I hope my prompting of why does defining sex organs matter so much and let’s focus on the care of laying foundation for support. Appreciate this article and your being here.
This was so helpful to read and be able to pass on - thank you, thank you! Question:) I was just having a tough conversation a couple nights ago with a preschool teacher. She was sharing her concern that young minds are so moldable that talking about being transgender should be postponed to age 10. I can pull many of the things you mentioned here like supporting people and if not just getting out of their way but is there any other thoughts you have that I could help assuage that fear? Thank you again.
It's hard for me to say, because the question isn't just what folks are afraid of, but *why*.
On second thought: remind her that at those ages, it's all just clothes and names and telling kids that you love them--no medical interventions at all. And if it were *ever* possible to convince a cis person that they're trans, or vice versa, conversion therapy would work.
It doesn't. So all that happens by supporting your kid is letting them know that you'll love them absolutely no matter what.
This is such a helpful article to read and pass on thank you, thank you! I was just having some of these difficult conversations with a preschool teacher friend of mine and her concern is that "young children's minds are so moldable that talking about being trans too young" scares her. I can pull many of things you mentioned here like just getting out of peoples way to hopefully truly supporting people but is there anything else I can say that can hopefully gently shift this thinking?
Another great article! One part made me laugh out loud, though: "Puberty blockers have been around for a really long time—since the 1980s". Way to make me feel old, Doc! :P
I'm going to share this on Mastodon, quoting the part about the 1980s lime green. (I think I had a hat that color, back in ancient times.) It's the best metaphor for a difference of understanding I've seen.
I'm from the 80s too! But in medical terms, something that's been around for about. forty years is very tried and true.
I know; just bugging you because I've been around since the 60s (if only for a couple of months). That's one reason this process is rather intimidating; my egg is cracking at 53. I woke up this morning thinking, "No, no, none of this is real. Stop making things up!" Luckily, a couple of trans women I know have reached out with advice and support, including the name of a specialist who works in the city I'm near, so I'll get the help I need to be my real self.
I heard HRT can cause sterility, is this true?
It's a little complicated.
When you go on gender affirming HRT, your natal fertility will be suppressed--but by how much is an open question. 24% of people on estrogenic HRT still produce viable sperm, for instance, regardless of how long they've been on it! For most people, though, fertility gets zeroed out as long as you're on it.
However, many trans people want to have kids, and for the overwhelming majority, going off of HRT for 3-6 months is enough to restore full fertility. Many trans guys who carry a child call themselves seahorse dads, for instance! https://seahorsefilm.com/
And for those who don't want to go off hrt, cryopreservation before starting HRT is a very common option. One of my friends, who went on HRT over a decade ago, had their first child with preserved material last year!
Thanks for the prompt response, this is very helpful.
Thanks Zoe 🙏💕
As always I really appreciate your thoughts
I’m doing a talk to some academics in May and I want to ask if I can quote your stats from here?
Elodie x
Of course! It's best to cite the original material, but go for it!
Great article thanks for writing it. I am a crossdresser and never understood why friends that transitioned never had the complete surgery or were attracted to men.
Micki Finn
Well, that's because every transition is complete--there are as many different ways of being transgender as there are trans people! Different people need different things, and the really good part about everything medical right now is that a lot of the old demands/expectations that people transition in one specific way are getting thrown away.
Hi, Terry.
I understand your stated concerns. However, they are simply, conclusively, and decidedly untrue. The data about kids transitioning was addressed systematically in the article.
Trans people are wildly underrepresented in the locker rooms and bathrooms situations you're alluding to: https://www.whoismakingnews.com/
As to women's sport? Trans women have been welcome at the Olympics for over twenty years, which spans something like 3000 medal events and over 10,000 awarded women's medals in that time, counting team events. And in that time, not one single trans woman has ever gotten a medal of any sort. If there were an actual element of unfairness, it would show up there, at the highest levels of competition. It does not.
And social contagion simply does not exist: https://publications.aap.org/aapnews/news/21888/Study-finds-no-evidence-of-social-contagion-among?autologincheck=redirected
All of the things you described are dog-whistle arguments designed by anti-trans radicals to seduce moderate, well-meaning people into supporting extremist political stances--and this isn't my opinion. We have the internal emails, now a part of the public record, revealed years ago when one member became so horrified with their extremism that she decided to speak out: https://www.google.com/url?q=https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/02/detransition-movement-star-ex-gay-explained.html&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwj44rqrq6SCAxUfHzQIHS_VBy0QFnoECAIQAg&usg=AOvVaw2Uf6ojhwdSBTFwCJZkCuNm
So, not only do I stand by every word you question here, and doubly so what you quoted. It makes me very sad that so many well-meaning, reasonable people have been tricked by hateful people who want to exterminate trans people and are willing to lie to do it--but that does not change the motivation behind their words, which you repeat here.
Separate but equal is never equal. Ever. It didn't work for Jim Crow segregation, and it won't work now.
The science is all but unanimous in support of trans inclusion and validating our lives and experiences. I would gently suggest that the doubts you describe are wildly unsupported by fact, and that you have been bamboozled by people with deeply insidious motives.
Listen to the experts. There are towering bibliographies--which I cited here--ray support us, and a handful of extremely sketchy opinion articles and retracted studies against. The scientific consensus is crystal clear.
What you are doing is tone policing. It is a tool of oppression. Our civil rights are more important than your emotional comfort, and by using this rhetoric, you're trying to reverse the importance of those two. https://blog.apaonline.org/2022/05/10/tone-policing-and-the-assertion-of-authority/?amp
I would invite you to de-center your comfort as the main concern in this conversation. To be frank, none of any of this is about you--it is about trans people, and our right to exist equally and and openly in public society. If the facts of our reality make you uncomfortable, I would recommend that you examine the *actual causes* of that discomfort within you, not the symptoms which trigger it.
For instance, I gave substantial evidence that none of your concerns have any valid basis in fact. Rather than taking that evidence in hand, saying to yourself, "wow, I'd been bamboozled! I wonder how people were able to convince me to support the same policies that were the cornerstone of Jim Crow segregation," you're lashing out again, still in support of those monstrous positions, and asking a member of an oppressed group of people to validate your feelings.
I'll be blunt: your feelings on this matter are not valid, as they are based in hateful myths designed to justify the oppression and extermination of trans people. So long as you support segregation for trans people, you are not our ally--you are our oppressor. I will not debate, nor will I allow to be debated, our right to exist equally in this space. It is dehumanizing for you to expect me to do so. If you want to consider yourself an ally to our community, you have some considerable growing to do. I have engaged with you to this point in the hope that you would realize how badly you've been taken in by monstrous people, but your post here makes me strongly suspect that you are not here in good faith.
This conversation is over. If you attempt to continue it, you will be banned and your comments removed.