OMG Zoe its like you are in my mind and soul. Not only do you write so beautifully your messages, especially this series, is profound. I think I will re-read each of these posts over again until the messages sink deeper down. I struggle with transition but keep moving forward (GAHT, Ears pierced, laser to begin soon) but the fear of others peoples opinions (FPOP) is so hard to ignore or stop completely. Dont even get me started about my work life.
Fear of how other people see me or will treat me or respond is a big thing to me. It's more scary than being trans or transitioning. I'm very new to this but I think I've been repressing being trans for many years. I'm trying to see a gender specialist. Today I'm getting my first female haircut and dye. I also want to pursue laser hair removal on my face and my neck. I've begun trimming all my body hair and painting my toenails and wearing small bits of female clothing privately.
I'm scared about how my family would react. And also I haven't worked in 2 years because of some health issues, I'm thinking they were related to gender all along but I didn't realize it. Making changes and looking for work is scary as hell.
All I can say is keep going Gabby. You got this girl!
This series is the epitome of the following exchange:
"I just read something that ripped my heart out."
Oh, so I should avoid it?
"Oh, no, you *have* to read it."
You're a wonderful author, and if I thought I had the ability to write even half this well I'd be joining you in talking to folks. As it is, count me as a die-hard fan. Thank you for this series and the other things you've written.
Please write what you feel is important, whether or not it's a heart-ripper. I'm still going to read all of them and if that means I end up screaming internally because "Oh shit, that's *exactly*" and want to curl up in a ball because holy god it's finally in words and I have to find a way to go back in time and give my teenage self a big hug... Well, sometimes that's just a mood.
Like I said, write what you feel is important! And when that's joy, I'll absolutely read that too, just as I've read the rest. You do great work and I'm always eager to see what's new!
“If you ask me to, I’ll stop. Any time. You get to veto this if you want to.”
The one time I thought I had lost my wife, the worst argument of our lives, was when after her telling me she would support me even if it meant we had to part, I said basically the same thing. And she RIPPED into me. HOW DARE I put that on her? She had seen me at my lowest, crying on her lap, saying over and over "I don't want to be", and now she knew why. And she didn't know if we could still be together after, but she HAD to save me, to let me find out who I could be.
Gravity stopped working, the world fell into a black hole. I have never felt such an utter sense of dread, like I had just broken the one perfect thing in this world.
My wife loves me and supports me and if I do Transition or make these changes she told me that she will still love me and stay with me. She also told me that she's not attracted to women though. It scares the hell out of me. She's been helping me book appointments relating to all this stuff. She's going with me to the hairdresser to get my first female haircut and color, she's inquired about laser hair removal for me and getting me gender-therapy. The stuff is scary as
And hold out hope that things might not be what they seem. A surprising number of partners discover in their partners transition that they weren't straight after all. Us, by Sara Soler, might offer you some hope, or Love Lives Here by Rowan Knox.
My wife turned out to be very gay. Who knew? Well... I guess I did. Or at least, that she wasn't as straight as she let on.
Queering love is a whole 'nother topic, but suffice to say - transitioning within a relationship causes the partner to have to re-evaluate parts of their identity (and possibly their privilege), and that's a tough road sometimes, but the destination is a place oh so beautiful.
I hope it works for you and your wife. Keep an open heart and open lines of communication, and chances are good that it will.
My wife is also a huge supporter. She’s also het. It’s been rough. But we’re making it through a day at a time. We’ve gone the way of ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and both have partners we love dearly. It’s helped our relationship. She’s still not used to her formerly mountain-stoic spouse going through the emotions of second puberty, but I’m also not 100% used to it either. Just remember you love each other and you want to support each other. You’ll find your happiness. I’m rooting for you.
My wife told me that she's not a lesbian and that she joked that would need a male lover.. thank you for telling me what's helped you. It sounds like you have a beau tiful supportive wife.
Get out of my head lol. I’ve definitely had all those same stealth/hiding conversations on r/asktrangender or /r/translater and quite a few other places. I’m still there really but continuing to work on it and hoping that the side that wants to fully vanish from existence doesn’t win. It’s very hard for myself to believe that I’m worth it after sublimating my needs for so many decades and the amount of self loathing from so many years of… everything, is hard to overcome. Even with a year of therapy under my belt it’s a struggle. But it’s sunny today, I’m going for a walk somewhere as me.
Thanks for giving voice to the thoughts in our heads
This is the first time I've read one of your posts and not really seen my own experience. A few bits of this post resonate, but for the most part I don't relate to what you've written here. I think there are two big differences between us that explain that.
The first is that I've always known I was trans. It was buried, maybe, but it was close enough to the surface that I was always at least partly aware of it. It took me forever to actually deal with it. I knew trans people existed, and I knew I might be one of them. As a teenager (30+ years ago), it was unimaginable to be trans and actually transition. Just plain impossible in my family situation. I know for certain I'd have been subjected to conversion therapy or some such nonsense. After adulthood, life got in the way. Work and a long-term health crisis in someone close to me crowded out everything else. And after that, when I really allowed myself to think about it, I held onto the idea (for a decade or more) that I could make a choice, that transition was something I could do but didn't have to. Spoiler alert: I absolutely had to.
The other reason is that I think my stress response is kinda broken. It's not broken completely - if I see that literal tiger, or a man with a gun, or something similarly dangerous, I am absolutely going to run away, or possibly freeze. But when it comes to social signals, the 5f response mostly isn't there. It's not completely absent - I was terrified the first time I went out dressed in femme clothing, the first time I used the women's restroom - but after that, I was fine. I am the opposite of a born performer, but I have no nerves at all about an upcoming concert where I'll be playing in an orchestra, right up front, for close to a thousand people.
I do a mental health questionnaire every time I visit a mental health professional, and the depression section always lights up like a Christmas tree, for reasons gender-related and not, but my anxiety score is always zero. I don't worry about things. It's nice, most of the time, but it's not entirely a blessing. Anxiety exists for a reason - it pushes us to solve the problems we're anxious about. I have trouble with that, sometimes. Most of the time.
I do really appreciate this post, even if I don't entirely relate to it. I care about a lot of trans people in my life, and their experience is probably a lot closer to yours.
I'd never hear "fawn" as one of the F's. So today I learned something new. And as always, you are incredible, on point, and so well spoken. You are also enough. 💜
A few days ago during a visit with a few family members, I fumbled through an explanation of why I am still no-contact with other people in my family. Next time, I think I'll just forward this article... You have such a talent for explaining so many things that are hard for me to articulate, thank you!
Oof! This couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I told my 92y.o. mom last night that I was going to go spend a weekend with my Bestie and another dear friend who happens to be Trans. I was told to not get any ideas (started HRT May '23), and that she liked me as a boy (I'm 56). Obviously, I'm not out to her. And the way I felt after that conversation I may never be.
I can see a lot of parts of myself in your article. I've been repressing and hiding things for years. You've made me feel so much better than affirmed my right to feel happy and and to exist.
I didn't realize that hiding and repressing being trans was emotional self-harm but now I can see it more clearly.
You are a worthy beautiful human being. You do matter and you deserve to be happy and her friends and people that love you.
I wrote a response the day this was published, but after reading it again I deleted it. I was sounding way too negative in my response, but that had nothing to do with Zoe's article, it was more of a reflection of some of the feelings I have been experiencing the past month or so.
As always, this article, or I should say this series, really hits home for me. Zoe puts into words the things many of us experience, and also shows a roadmap to healing. Thank you again.
Dec 11, 2023·edited Dec 11, 2023Liked by Doc Impossible
Thank you for writing this. You helped me come to terms with the abuse I suffered as a trans kid growing up in a non-affirming house. It helped me realize that I deserved support, not violence. I think what I really am coming to terms with is that the abuse was not my fault.
I don’t really believe I deserve to have deep, loving connections. Every time I become close with someone, there’s this ticking sense at the back of my mind that it’s only a matter of time before they decide to exit my life
Frickin' Zoe, and your frickin perfectly accurate and insightful descriptions of the trans experience… 😅
This series is fantastic and I'm grateful, but damn, that insightfulness is sharp as hell.
🫶
Healing from trauma is like healing a badly healed broken bone. You have to rebreak it before it can heal properly. 😢
OMG Zoe its like you are in my mind and soul. Not only do you write so beautifully your messages, especially this series, is profound. I think I will re-read each of these posts over again until the messages sink deeper down. I struggle with transition but keep moving forward (GAHT, Ears pierced, laser to begin soon) but the fear of others peoples opinions (FPOP) is so hard to ignore or stop completely. Dont even get me started about my work life.
thanks so much, take care, Gabby
Hang in there. 🫂
Fear of how other people see me or will treat me or respond is a big thing to me. It's more scary than being trans or transitioning. I'm very new to this but I think I've been repressing being trans for many years. I'm trying to see a gender specialist. Today I'm getting my first female haircut and dye. I also want to pursue laser hair removal on my face and my neck. I've begun trimming all my body hair and painting my toenails and wearing small bits of female clothing privately.
I'm scared about how my family would react. And also I haven't worked in 2 years because of some health issues, I'm thinking they were related to gender all along but I didn't realize it. Making changes and looking for work is scary as hell.
All I can say is keep going Gabby. You got this girl!
This series is the epitome of the following exchange:
"I just read something that ripped my heart out."
Oh, so I should avoid it?
"Oh, no, you *have* to read it."
You're a wonderful author, and if I thought I had the ability to write even half this well I'd be joining you in talking to folks. As it is, count me as a die-hard fan. Thank you for this series and the other things you've written.
Thank you. I'll try and be a little less heart-wrenching for a while after GG wraps up.
Please write what you feel is important, whether or not it's a heart-ripper. I'm still going to read all of them and if that means I end up screaming internally because "Oh shit, that's *exactly*" and want to curl up in a ball because holy god it's finally in words and I have to find a way to go back in time and give my teenage self a big hug... Well, sometimes that's just a mood.
Maybe, but we also need some joy in our lives, you know? And *I* love and need to write about those joys too.
Like I said, write what you feel is important! And when that's joy, I'll absolutely read that too, just as I've read the rest. You do great work and I'm always eager to see what's new!
“If you ask me to, I’ll stop. Any time. You get to veto this if you want to.”
The one time I thought I had lost my wife, the worst argument of our lives, was when after her telling me she would support me even if it meant we had to part, I said basically the same thing. And she RIPPED into me. HOW DARE I put that on her? She had seen me at my lowest, crying on her lap, saying over and over "I don't want to be", and now she knew why. And she didn't know if we could still be together after, but she HAD to save me, to let me find out who I could be.
Gravity stopped working, the world fell into a black hole. I have never felt such an utter sense of dread, like I had just broken the one perfect thing in this world.
She was there for me, even when I was not.
I'm so glad for that. B-- was there for me in the same way, but with much more gentleness.
I think the way your wife reacted would've been better for me, to be honest.
My wife loves me and supports me and if I do Transition or make these changes she told me that she will still love me and stay with me. She also told me that she's not attracted to women though. It scares the hell out of me. She's been helping me book appointments relating to all this stuff. She's going with me to the hairdresser to get my first female haircut and color, she's inquired about laser hair removal for me and getting me gender-therapy. The stuff is scary as
Fu k.
Yeah. Hang in there.
And hold out hope that things might not be what they seem. A surprising number of partners discover in their partners transition that they weren't straight after all. Us, by Sara Soler, might offer you some hope, or Love Lives Here by Rowan Knox.
Thank you is away this is very encouraging! 💖🎶
My wife turned out to be very gay. Who knew? Well... I guess I did. Or at least, that she wasn't as straight as she let on.
Queering love is a whole 'nother topic, but suffice to say - transitioning within a relationship causes the partner to have to re-evaluate parts of their identity (and possibly their privilege), and that's a tough road sometimes, but the destination is a place oh so beautiful.
I hope it works for you and your wife. Keep an open heart and open lines of communication, and chances are good that it will.
My wife is also a huge supporter. She’s also het. It’s been rough. But we’re making it through a day at a time. We’ve gone the way of ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and both have partners we love dearly. It’s helped our relationship. She’s still not used to her formerly mountain-stoic spouse going through the emotions of second puberty, but I’m also not 100% used to it either. Just remember you love each other and you want to support each other. You’ll find your happiness. I’m rooting for you.
My wife told me that she's not a lesbian and that she joked that would need a male lover.. thank you for telling me what's helped you. It sounds like you have a beau tiful supportive wife.
Get out of my head lol. I’ve definitely had all those same stealth/hiding conversations on r/asktrangender or /r/translater and quite a few other places. I’m still there really but continuing to work on it and hoping that the side that wants to fully vanish from existence doesn’t win. It’s very hard for myself to believe that I’m worth it after sublimating my needs for so many decades and the amount of self loathing from so many years of… everything, is hard to overcome. Even with a year of therapy under my belt it’s a struggle. But it’s sunny today, I’m going for a walk somewhere as me.
Thanks for giving voice to the thoughts in our heads
— Abbie 🥰
Fascinating.
This is the first time I've read one of your posts and not really seen my own experience. A few bits of this post resonate, but for the most part I don't relate to what you've written here. I think there are two big differences between us that explain that.
The first is that I've always known I was trans. It was buried, maybe, but it was close enough to the surface that I was always at least partly aware of it. It took me forever to actually deal with it. I knew trans people existed, and I knew I might be one of them. As a teenager (30+ years ago), it was unimaginable to be trans and actually transition. Just plain impossible in my family situation. I know for certain I'd have been subjected to conversion therapy or some such nonsense. After adulthood, life got in the way. Work and a long-term health crisis in someone close to me crowded out everything else. And after that, when I really allowed myself to think about it, I held onto the idea (for a decade or more) that I could make a choice, that transition was something I could do but didn't have to. Spoiler alert: I absolutely had to.
The other reason is that I think my stress response is kinda broken. It's not broken completely - if I see that literal tiger, or a man with a gun, or something similarly dangerous, I am absolutely going to run away, or possibly freeze. But when it comes to social signals, the 5f response mostly isn't there. It's not completely absent - I was terrified the first time I went out dressed in femme clothing, the first time I used the women's restroom - but after that, I was fine. I am the opposite of a born performer, but I have no nerves at all about an upcoming concert where I'll be playing in an orchestra, right up front, for close to a thousand people.
I do a mental health questionnaire every time I visit a mental health professional, and the depression section always lights up like a Christmas tree, for reasons gender-related and not, but my anxiety score is always zero. I don't worry about things. It's nice, most of the time, but it's not entirely a blessing. Anxiety exists for a reason - it pushes us to solve the problems we're anxious about. I have trouble with that, sometimes. Most of the time.
I do really appreciate this post, even if I don't entirely relate to it. I care about a lot of trans people in my life, and their experience is probably a lot closer to yours.
I'd never hear "fawn" as one of the F's. So today I learned something new. And as always, you are incredible, on point, and so well spoken. You are also enough. 💜
A few days ago during a visit with a few family members, I fumbled through an explanation of why I am still no-contact with other people in my family. Next time, I think I'll just forward this article... You have such a talent for explaining so many things that are hard for me to articulate, thank you!
I'm glad. And I'm so, so sorry. 🫂
What a powerful, accurate article. Your writing has done a lot to help me move forward. Thank you for your wonderful insights.
Oof! This couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I told my 92y.o. mom last night that I was going to go spend a weekend with my Bestie and another dear friend who happens to be Trans. I was told to not get any ideas (started HRT May '23), and that she liked me as a boy (I'm 56). Obviously, I'm not out to her. And the way I felt after that conversation I may never be.
🫂🫂🫂
Hey Zoe,
I can see a lot of parts of myself in your article. I've been repressing and hiding things for years. You've made me feel so much better than affirmed my right to feel happy and and to exist.
I didn't realize that hiding and repressing being trans was emotional self-harm but now I can see it more clearly.
You are a worthy beautiful human being. You do matter and you deserve to be happy and her friends and people that love you.
Thank you. 💜
I wrote a response the day this was published, but after reading it again I deleted it. I was sounding way too negative in my response, but that had nothing to do with Zoe's article, it was more of a reflection of some of the feelings I have been experiencing the past month or so.
As always, this article, or I should say this series, really hits home for me. Zoe puts into words the things many of us experience, and also shows a roadmap to healing. Thank you again.
Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you for writing this. You helped me come to terms with the abuse I suffered as a trans kid growing up in a non-affirming house. It helped me realize that I deserved support, not violence. I think what I really am coming to terms with is that the abuse was not my fault.
I'm glad it's helping. I'm sorry it needed to exist to help you. 🫂
I don’t really believe I deserve to have deep, loving connections. Every time I become close with someone, there’s this ticking sense at the back of my mind that it’s only a matter of time before they decide to exit my life
I cried when I read this and feel that HARD
I wish you didn't feel that--but you're not alone. 🫂🫂🫂
Thank you for this.