I remember the mask most of all. I wrote such god awful angst fueled teenage poetry about that stuff. Hell I even shared it with my family and once even read the stuff on stage at the Mercury Cafe. The whole time just absolutely convinced that I was molding myself into something society could tolerate. The shell/mask was there to keep me from doing anything that could bring shame to my family or cause me to be in danger. Kind of amazing how much happier and how many more people there are in my life, now that I stripped that thing off.
After my first attempt to transition in my 20's, I started losing my hair. Part of me saw it as punishment for detransitioning. That it was a sign the door was closed forever and I could never be the woman I wanted to be. And the long hair and hair styles were one of the only things from that first attempt that I kept doing for has long as possible.
I made an attempt on unaliving myself soon after I started losing my hair. One of the reasons I sport a semi-colon tattoo on my wrist now.
I spent 30+ years as an IT professional, as a parent, feeling like my very existence was penance for failing to transition that first time. That the baldness was punishment for that failure.
I find it both funny and ironic that one of the things that HRT is doing for me is that my hair is starting to come back. That the bald spot is now fuzzy. I wiill more than likely never have as much as I did before.
But it's more than I would have had otherwise.
Just like my life. I will never have the years as Shannon that I had before. But every second I have as Shannon is one more than I would have had otherwise.
You had so many more emotions than I was capable of. I suspected it for years but refused to pursue or research. I went down the path we've talked about in the past, because that was "normal". The lengths I went to to lie to myself. Until the day I couldn't anymore. I wept with joy, and fear, but the joy won. It has every day since.
I remember the mask most of all. I wrote such god awful angst fueled teenage poetry about that stuff. Hell I even shared it with my family and once even read the stuff on stage at the Mercury Cafe. The whole time just absolutely convinced that I was molding myself into something society could tolerate. The shell/mask was there to keep me from doing anything that could bring shame to my family or cause me to be in danger. Kind of amazing how much happier and how many more people there are in my life, now that I stripped that thing off.
Once again, powerful and emotional words. My heart breaks for past-Zoe, and it is very good to know that present-Zoe is here and able to share it.
Well... my dad always used to say life is a full-contact sport. There's a reason the Substack is called Stained Glass Woman.
I adore that it took you just a few minutes in the middle of a shower to come up with your name! Obviously, it's perfect.
After my first attempt to transition in my 20's, I started losing my hair. Part of me saw it as punishment for detransitioning. That it was a sign the door was closed forever and I could never be the woman I wanted to be. And the long hair and hair styles were one of the only things from that first attempt that I kept doing for has long as possible.
I made an attempt on unaliving myself soon after I started losing my hair. One of the reasons I sport a semi-colon tattoo on my wrist now.
I spent 30+ years as an IT professional, as a parent, feeling like my very existence was penance for failing to transition that first time. That the baldness was punishment for that failure.
I find it both funny and ironic that one of the things that HRT is doing for me is that my hair is starting to come back. That the bald spot is now fuzzy. I wiill more than likely never have as much as I did before.
But it's more than I would have had otherwise.
Just like my life. I will never have the years as Shannon that I had before. But every second I have as Shannon is one more than I would have had otherwise.
You had so many more emotions than I was capable of. I suspected it for years but refused to pursue or research. I went down the path we've talked about in the past, because that was "normal". The lengths I went to to lie to myself. Until the day I couldn't anymore. I wept with joy, and fear, but the joy won. It has every day since.