"I can't be trans, I don't even have dysphoria" is what I would say immediately before launching into a lengthy description of the various flavors of dysphoria that were running my life. So much in here resonates with those arguments I had with myself for years before I was willing to admit to deeper truths.
Personally I had almost no sense that life would be better if I embraced being a woman until suddenly I did. I really wonder/wish there was a bigger study on when in life trans people realize they're trans. I'm 38 and just learning now that hey it isn't all just people who knew when they were five. Plenty of us figured it out later in life.
I can't recall where it was, but I read an old study from the early 00's that talked about the phases of life when we realize--and it noted that one of the largest groups were people like you and me, who figured it out in our mid-30s.
I think that gender therapists know, but that the knowledge simply hasn't propagated out.
The Anne Vitale article from 2003? "The Gender Variant Phenomenon--A Developmental Review" That's got stages of life and matching emotions from childhood to late/older age.
It's dated as hell in some places, with the sharpest critique of its typologies of trans people basically being blanchard with a human face, but the life stage seems, anecdotally, pretty uncontroversial
While its more complicated than three categories* its an interesting way to look at it.
I mean, people ask me "since you always knew, why didn't you do anything about it?". As if by not acting I prove I didn't know? But really, what was there to do, and where was the pressure. For the most part I acted as myself, and people used various excuses to ignore that I was different. For the perplexed, I would just tell them. "Oh, I'm like this cos I'm psychologically female" and they'd just... somehow thing "ah, okay. that's fine then." As if that was a real reason? Even in the military it was all I needed to say.
And while part of not transitioning was not realizing it was something people could do (I was in the military, so not like I was going to see any examples ;) )... most of it is that I wasn't denied enough things in life to push me in that direction...
“The words hang in the air in front of me, irretrievable. Huge. True. And, said aloud, I can never deny to myself that I’ve admitted it.” This is exactly what it felt like to crack. You’ve rendered it perfectly down to the tenses. I need to go write because I don’t yet have all the words to properly thank you, Zoe.
speaking of which I remember this galaxy brain meme I saw years ago, of increasing levels of egg thought, concluding with something to the effect of "I wish I really had gender dysphoria. Too bad I only feel [long, verbose definition of gender dysphoria and its symptoms]". It's hilarious, I wish I knew how to dig it up again. I think back in the day it helped me come to terms with me being trans
"I can't be trans, I don't even have dysphoria" is what I would say immediately before launching into a lengthy description of the various flavors of dysphoria that were running my life. So much in here resonates with those arguments I had with myself for years before I was willing to admit to deeper truths.
It's so common. That's one of the reasons I wanted to write all this--because it just isn't how people say it is.
Personally I had almost no sense that life would be better if I embraced being a woman until suddenly I did. I really wonder/wish there was a bigger study on when in life trans people realize they're trans. I'm 38 and just learning now that hey it isn't all just people who knew when they were five. Plenty of us figured it out later in life.
I can't recall where it was, but I read an old study from the early 00's that talked about the phases of life when we realize--and it noted that one of the largest groups were people like you and me, who figured it out in our mid-30s.
I think that gender therapists know, but that the knowledge simply hasn't propagated out.
The Anne Vitale article from 2003? "The Gender Variant Phenomenon--A Developmental Review" That's got stages of life and matching emotions from childhood to late/older age.
It's dated as hell in some places, with the sharpest critique of its typologies of trans people basically being blanchard with a human face, but the life stage seems, anecdotally, pretty uncontroversial
https://web.archive.org/web/20211003183519/http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm
While its more complicated than three categories* its an interesting way to look at it.
I mean, people ask me "since you always knew, why didn't you do anything about it?". As if by not acting I prove I didn't know? But really, what was there to do, and where was the pressure. For the most part I acted as myself, and people used various excuses to ignore that I was different. For the perplexed, I would just tell them. "Oh, I'm like this cos I'm psychologically female" and they'd just... somehow thing "ah, okay. that's fine then." As if that was a real reason? Even in the military it was all I needed to say.
And while part of not transitioning was not realizing it was something people could do (I was in the military, so not like I was going to see any examples ;) )... most of it is that I wasn't denied enough things in life to push me in that direction...
Until...
Oh, definitely--but also, the article came out twenty years ago. The scholarly community has learned soooo much since then.
It really does, and it matches what I've seen all over pretty well, too!
"Constantly feeling guilty for being a man, like I’d violated some profound cosmic rule."
Ow, dammit Z, you didn't have to come at my jugular.
Sorry-not-sorry. ;)
Once again, thank you so much for sharing. This particular installment is especially compelling for how much it contrasts with my own experience.
“The words hang in the air in front of me, irretrievable. Huge. True. And, said aloud, I can never deny to myself that I’ve admitted it.” This is exactly what it felt like to crack. You’ve rendered it perfectly down to the tenses. I need to go write because I don’t yet have all the words to properly thank you, Zoe.
Thank you. It means a lot to me that my writing touches people like this. 💜
"Obviously, I don’t feel dysphoria"
I actually audibly wheezed when I read this
Right? Egg-Zoe, like many of us, was a bit oblivious.
speaking of which I remember this galaxy brain meme I saw years ago, of increasing levels of egg thought, concluding with something to the effect of "I wish I really had gender dysphoria. Too bad I only feel [long, verbose definition of gender dysphoria and its symptoms]". It's hilarious, I wish I knew how to dig it up again. I think back in the day it helped me come to terms with me being trans
Yeeeeeepppp! But I think we all do that, really--just normalize things until we have the space, emotionally, to recognize it isn't.
Or, you know. Get it shoved in our face. 🤣