i loved shopping for clothes for my then wife and daughters. wearing those clothes? nope. it would just sting...
i remember once my brother and his friend went to the mall (i tagged along) so they could try on bikinis. idk how many they tried on, coming out after each one and laughing at each other. they didn't ask me to be a lookout, and i was a pretty bad one. but i didn't join in partly cos it seemed risky, but mostly cos again, it would just remind me of how wrong my body was... it would be like mocking myself for looking the way that it did.
before transitioning i grew my hair out. at about 9 months, guys approaching me from the back and sides ... so many people would presume i was female and then 'freak out' when they saw my face. But this partial passing told me that something was close. it wasn't quite impossible... then from my ex forcing me to watch Ru Paul... my mind was blown to what was possible. i learned make up, and now the things i avoided all my life cos the mere though of it just reminded me how awful i looked... now i knew that the impossible was possible...
Many of my partners and female friends used to take me clothes shopping. Because they knew I liked going out shopping and I had a good eye for what clothing would work best for them.
I used to joke it was was left over from my "crossdressing phase", since I didn't want to admit to anyone, myself included, about my first attempt to transition, and how badly I regretted it.
In retrospect, it should have been one the larger hints about me.....
Got me tearing up and surprised me as we did our nails together. You in the story and me in my room trying not to cry. The awareness of you that B has is almost shocking to me. My wife and I are both a bit neurodivergent and warmth or attention doesn't radiate from her, it has to be pulled and so is only done in the direst of occasions. Makes me tear up a bit every time B reacts.
The earlier four pieces gave me tears in my eyes, but this nail polish part gave me a smile that could crack my face.
I started with my hands and I just couldn't stop looking. I have pictures of the first day I was out with it and I remember how I felt so feminine, wonderful, happy.
If someone else saw these pictures feminine would probably be the last words they would find, but those nails were my world that day, and it made all the difference 💜
I don't know! Related: the ONLY negative thing from estrogen has been that my nails are super crappy! They get MURDERED by gel, and aren't tough enough to survive.
I am very sad. I want to do fancy nerdy nail art, but it doesn't really work...
Jan 6, 2023·edited Jan 6, 2023Liked by Doc Impossible
Haha, I heard that's a thing, and it may be the only thing I'm not looking forward to. May have to go serious on the nail art as a manifestation against these Swedish waiting times 🏳️⚧️😁
May as well add that your last parts left me crying, very relatable and nice to read.
Crossdressing prior to being on hormones for a long time always did emphasize everything I hated about my body. I think it's harmful how many places push the idea that crossdressing will tell you anything about your gender. Dysphoria's a bitch.
When I first started wondering, a friend of mine who is trans took the picture of me in my graduation regalia, having completed my BS after leaving IT and going back to school.
She took it, ran it through an AI filter, and sent it to me.
And I saw the woman I had always wanted to see in the mirror.
I cried for hours. Oh how I cried. I showed it to my wife.
She said "You're beautiful".
The partners I shared it with all said the same thing,
My friend was so worried she had upset me, but she didn't.
If there is a defining moment I can say. when my egg cracked for good, it was that picture. All the duct tape and bailing wire and super glue I had been using to keep that godsbedamned eggshell together, failed over the view of that woman, standing there in her graduation gown, honor society pins and the Icelandic flag marking my study-abroad time, smiling.
I realized that she was the one who walked my graduation.
My toes have not been unpainted since the first time I had them done in April of last year. Almost exclusively OPI's Running With The In-Finite Crowd. <3
Just as powerful as the previous posts. :crying:
*“Then you’re a girl and it’s okay,” B— says.*
She sounds so wonderful. :-)
I have no words to describe how wonderful she is.
i loved shopping for clothes for my then wife and daughters. wearing those clothes? nope. it would just sting...
i remember once my brother and his friend went to the mall (i tagged along) so they could try on bikinis. idk how many they tried on, coming out after each one and laughing at each other. they didn't ask me to be a lookout, and i was a pretty bad one. but i didn't join in partly cos it seemed risky, but mostly cos again, it would just remind me of how wrong my body was... it would be like mocking myself for looking the way that it did.
before transitioning i grew my hair out. at about 9 months, guys approaching me from the back and sides ... so many people would presume i was female and then 'freak out' when they saw my face. But this partial passing told me that something was close. it wasn't quite impossible... then from my ex forcing me to watch Ru Paul... my mind was blown to what was possible. i learned make up, and now the things i avoided all my life cos the mere though of it just reminded me how awful i looked... now i knew that the impossible was possible...
Many of my partners and female friends used to take me clothes shopping. Because they knew I liked going out shopping and I had a good eye for what clothing would work best for them.
I used to joke it was was left over from my "crossdressing phase", since I didn't want to admit to anyone, myself included, about my first attempt to transition, and how badly I regretted it.
In retrospect, it should have been one the larger hints about me.....
Got me tearing up and surprised me as we did our nails together. You in the story and me in my room trying not to cry. The awareness of you that B has is almost shocking to me. My wife and I are both a bit neurodivergent and warmth or attention doesn't radiate from her, it has to be pulled and so is only done in the direst of occasions. Makes me tear up a bit every time B reacts.
B is a *very* special woman.
Now what is it with nail polish?!😅
The earlier four pieces gave me tears in my eyes, but this nail polish part gave me a smile that could crack my face.
I started with my hands and I just couldn't stop looking. I have pictures of the first day I was out with it and I remember how I felt so feminine, wonderful, happy.
If someone else saw these pictures feminine would probably be the last words they would find, but those nails were my world that day, and it made all the difference 💜
Thank you for this series!
I don't know! Related: the ONLY negative thing from estrogen has been that my nails are super crappy! They get MURDERED by gel, and aren't tough enough to survive.
I am very sad. I want to do fancy nerdy nail art, but it doesn't really work...
Haha, I heard that's a thing, and it may be the only thing I'm not looking forward to. May have to go serious on the nail art as a manifestation against these Swedish waiting times 🏳️⚧️😁
May as well add that your last parts left me crying, very relatable and nice to read.
I can't tell you how impressed I am by how supportive B-- is in your entire story. You are both very lucky women.
Crossdressing prior to being on hormones for a long time always did emphasize everything I hated about my body. I think it's harmful how many places push the idea that crossdressing will tell you anything about your gender. Dysphoria's a bitch.
When I first started wondering, a friend of mine who is trans took the picture of me in my graduation regalia, having completed my BS after leaving IT and going back to school.
She took it, ran it through an AI filter, and sent it to me.
And I saw the woman I had always wanted to see in the mirror.
I cried for hours. Oh how I cried. I showed it to my wife.
She said "You're beautiful".
The partners I shared it with all said the same thing,
My friend was so worried she had upset me, but she didn't.
If there is a defining moment I can say. when my egg cracked for good, it was that picture. All the duct tape and bailing wire and super glue I had been using to keep that godsbedamned eggshell together, failed over the view of that woman, standing there in her graduation gown, honor society pins and the Icelandic flag marking my study-abroad time, smiling.
I realized that she was the one who walked my graduation.
I realized she was me.
This was so moving it made me cry 😢
I remember that first conversation too
My toes have not been unpainted since the first time I had them done in April of last year. Almost exclusively OPI's Running With The In-Finite Crowd. <3
I switch mine up--they're bubblegum pink right now--but they come back to red sooooo often.