"Until pretty recently—we’re talking the mid-1990’s—trans people were actually required to divorce their partners, and were only allowed to transition if they were exclusively attracted to members of the other sex."
Or, as my therapist told me in the late 80's / early 90's during my first, failed attempt at transitioning, "I'm not doing this to create more lesbians". Which is why I tried so hard to pretend I was asexual, and why, in many respects, I failed to transition that first time. Ultimately, the geeky boho girl with stompy boots and rather sapphic interests didn't fit into his Laura Ashley ultra-feminine heteronormative ideal of what a woman "should" be. I couldn't be that - so I gave up trying, and stuffed who I was so far back into that eggshell that it was decades before I could even think of the idea again.
And when that pieced together eggshell cracked for the second and final time, I fully expected to have to go back to that same song and dance to try and appease my therapist....only to find the modality of care had changed so radically and so affirmatively that it was the difference between chalk and cheese.
The metaphor I've been using a lot is that I was a parched, dying forest, everything turning brown and sere. Journaling the fateful words "I am a woman" was the first hint of a cool breeze, and my body and soul accepted that first dose of estrogen like that first drop of rain. With each dose, with each tiny change, with each step, I can feel that forest come back to life, turning green and lush again. I know it's a journey that will take years and decades, and I will never have had the time as Shannon that I would have had otherwise.
But I have my entire life to watch and feel that forest come to life and beauty again.
Thank you for this article! My partner (AMAB) came out as trans in august at 36 years old, and the first few months were really difficult for me. The grieving process you mentioned was really hard and made me feel guilty. I had such a mixture of happiness for my partner contrasted with ‘but what about me?’. There were a lot of tears involved. Good communication with my partner and our trusted friends has really helped! I looked for support groups online, and mostly found groups involving people whose spouses came out, and then they got divorced and was very negative. The article was so positive and included so much helpful information, thank you so much Zoe!
Unabashedly, I love that you added this addendum to last week's article. I wish my main relationship had fit this bill instead of turning into a slow dissolve in huge distancings between myself and my cis partner, and I'm so glad it's not that way for everyone.
Seriously, glad. my own story may not be ideal, but I'm glad my results aren't common, or even median.
I just found your article through a link on Reddit and it has lifted my spirits. Having known since I was 8 or 9 that I was really a girl/woman now/transfeminine (first time I’ve used that after reading the definition here), I told someone who I really am for the first time two years ago. I told my wife a couple of months later and she was devastated - we’re still together now and I have started any kind of social transition albeit I’ve grown my hair and wear lots of androgynous clothes. I don’t know where my journey is going but I’m happy being me and taking my own steps - at 51, I feel I have earned the right to do this. And I may leave your article open for her to come across one day - thank you Kate xx
I love this blog site so much. You describe everything I am going through so perfectly. I wish I could tell my wife how much I desperately need to transition to a woman. I’m 66 yo and I’ve known since around 8 to 10 years old that I was enamored with wanting to become a woman. As that youngster growing up in 1960’s Milwaukee, there were no support systems whatsoever. So I slogged on through a miserable childhood and did all the things society said I was supposed to do as I grew up. Got married, had 2 kids. I hate my life and feel like God cheated me.
Well... Why wait any longer? You've still got life left to live. You've given so much for other people. Why not get the little sliver of joy for yourself you've waited so long for?
This is fabulous! Please also let your readers know about the book "She's Not the Man I Married" by Helen Boyd. I found that on the my partner is trans reddit and it literally saved my life and my marriage when my wife transitioned in 2021. Congratulations on your ten year anniversary! We did a vow renewal for our 25th a few months after her transition and it was magical! Best wishes for many more years of wedded bliss for you two!
thanks for sharing this piece. i am transfemme, no partner. but i see the positive messages in your writing. i see how helpful these messages are to those partners.
and i learned about about PPV. i didn't know that this was possible. i knew about orchi, knowing a guy who had one (even though i never never the medical name for it). i assumed a vaginoplasty would automatically mean a penectomy. until this knowledge, i wasn't sure what i wanted to do regarding bottom surgery. still don't but knowing there is another option gives me more to contemplate.
"Until pretty recently—we’re talking the mid-1990’s—trans people were actually required to divorce their partners, and were only allowed to transition if they were exclusively attracted to members of the other sex."
Or, as my therapist told me in the late 80's / early 90's during my first, failed attempt at transitioning, "I'm not doing this to create more lesbians". Which is why I tried so hard to pretend I was asexual, and why, in many respects, I failed to transition that first time. Ultimately, the geeky boho girl with stompy boots and rather sapphic interests didn't fit into his Laura Ashley ultra-feminine heteronormative ideal of what a woman "should" be. I couldn't be that - so I gave up trying, and stuffed who I was so far back into that eggshell that it was decades before I could even think of the idea again.
And when that pieced together eggshell cracked for the second and final time, I fully expected to have to go back to that same song and dance to try and appease my therapist....only to find the modality of care had changed so radically and so affirmatively that it was the difference between chalk and cheese.
The metaphor I've been using a lot is that I was a parched, dying forest, everything turning brown and sere. Journaling the fateful words "I am a woman" was the first hint of a cool breeze, and my body and soul accepted that first dose of estrogen like that first drop of rain. With each dose, with each tiny change, with each step, I can feel that forest come back to life, turning green and lush again. I know it's a journey that will take years and decades, and I will never have had the time as Shannon that I would have had otherwise.
But I have my entire life to watch and feel that forest come to life and beauty again.
This is such an amazing article. Thank you so much for writing and sharing! I really appreciate this great resource.
I'm really glad you enjoyed it, and I hope it's able to help some folks. =)
Thank you for this article! My partner (AMAB) came out as trans in august at 36 years old, and the first few months were really difficult for me. The grieving process you mentioned was really hard and made me feel guilty. I had such a mixture of happiness for my partner contrasted with ‘but what about me?’. There were a lot of tears involved. Good communication with my partner and our trusted friends has really helped! I looked for support groups online, and mostly found groups involving people whose spouses came out, and then they got divorced and was very negative. The article was so positive and included so much helpful information, thank you so much Zoe!
I'm so glad!
Unabashedly, I love that you added this addendum to last week's article. I wish my main relationship had fit this bill instead of turning into a slow dissolve in huge distancings between myself and my cis partner, and I'm so glad it's not that way for everyone.
Seriously, glad. my own story may not be ideal, but I'm glad my results aren't common, or even median.
This isn't an addendum, it's the second in a three-part miniseries!
Drop back in next week (hopefully) for the third! ;)
Even BETTER!
I just found your article through a link on Reddit and it has lifted my spirits. Having known since I was 8 or 9 that I was really a girl/woman now/transfeminine (first time I’ve used that after reading the definition here), I told someone who I really am for the first time two years ago. I told my wife a couple of months later and she was devastated - we’re still together now and I have started any kind of social transition albeit I’ve grown my hair and wear lots of androgynous clothes. I don’t know where my journey is going but I’m happy being me and taking my own steps - at 51, I feel I have earned the right to do this. And I may leave your article open for her to come across one day - thank you Kate xx
I'm sorry for your wife's response. 🫂
This helped me thank you!
That's wonderful!
I love this blog site so much. You describe everything I am going through so perfectly. I wish I could tell my wife how much I desperately need to transition to a woman. I’m 66 yo and I’ve known since around 8 to 10 years old that I was enamored with wanting to become a woman. As that youngster growing up in 1960’s Milwaukee, there were no support systems whatsoever. So I slogged on through a miserable childhood and did all the things society said I was supposed to do as I grew up. Got married, had 2 kids. I hate my life and feel like God cheated me.
Well... Why wait any longer? You've still got life left to live. You've given so much for other people. Why not get the little sliver of joy for yourself you've waited so long for?
This is fabulous! Please also let your readers know about the book "She's Not the Man I Married" by Helen Boyd. I found that on the my partner is trans reddit and it literally saved my life and my marriage when my wife transitioned in 2021. Congratulations on your ten year anniversary! We did a vow renewal for our 25th a few months after her transition and it was magical! Best wishes for many more years of wedded bliss for you two!
thanks for sharing this piece. i am transfemme, no partner. but i see the positive messages in your writing. i see how helpful these messages are to those partners.
and i learned about about PPV. i didn't know that this was possible. i knew about orchi, knowing a guy who had one (even though i never never the medical name for it). i assumed a vaginoplasty would automatically mean a penectomy. until this knowledge, i wasn't sure what i wanted to do regarding bottom surgery. still don't but knowing there is another option gives me more to contemplate.
There's a whole galaxy of different bottom surgery options for transfems these days!
and reading the article gave me the idea to see what my provincial government offered in terms of gender affirming care.