I am the father of a trans woman. She came out to us at age 19, which was more than ten years ago. I had a lot of the feelings you describe, and more.
One of the things I blamed myself was for not making the whole "being a guy" thing not seem attractive enough that she wanted to change. This is, of course, not to the point at all. Her transness is not something that was created behaviorally, but something that was determined at birth, just like other versions of sex/gender. But I rarely pass up an opportunity to feel guilty, and I certainly didn't here.
Some friends and a therapist (Yes!) calmed me down. Also reading and hearing about the experiences of other trans people. There wasn't a lot of material on parents of trans people, though.
I did go through a grieving process, like you describe. The person I thought I knew for 19 years didn't exist. Now I knew why the trip to the men's clothing store at age 16 fell so flat, though. (She knew then, but was afraid to tell us.)
Another fear/worry was that I was not going to be able to do right by her. After she first came out, she still had a very masculine presentation (remember, age 19, there weren't any blockers in play). She wasn't tall, so that helped. Of course, neither am I.
So I had a lot of trouble with pronouns. Not that I sort of refused to recognize and support her, but, at least at first, when I looked at her I saw a male, not a female. And so the male pronouns came out. It didn't help that she didn't choose a female name for quite a while.
One thing that made it all so much better, was something I'm quite proud of thinking of. I got her a Nerf shotgun. I gave it to her and told her that any time I got her pronoun wrong, she was allowed to shoot me with the Nerf shotgun. I did, and she did, and we all ended up laughing about it, which was fantastic. I highly recommend something of this nature for any parent in this situation. Changing pronouns is hard for us.
****
Doc, I love the references you give here, especially the 2020 survey of trans people. Which I would have liked to known about even a couple of weeks ago. Keep it up!
One more piece of advice: be gracious with yourself. You're going through a difficult change, just like your kid.
You're going to have complicated feelings about what your kid is going through, and some of those feelings might not be very nice for you, your kid, or your family. You're not going to get everything right all the time. On a practical level, you're going to have to deal with a lot of social and possibly medical stuff that you have no idea how to navigate. Not yet anyway. You'll get there, but it can feel like a struggle in the moment.
You're also going to have to get to know your kid all over again. They're still the same person, but they're not quite the person you thought they were. They might not even be the same person *they* thought they were. Maybe they choose a new name. Maybe new pronouns, clothes, hair, and the like. Maybe none of those things. But they will definitely have a new way of relating to the world and to other people, including you, and you'll be there to watch them figure out what that is.
All of this is hard, and try as you might, you're not going to be perfect. No one ever is. Love your kid and do your best for them, but don't beat yourself up over what you get wrong. You're learning as you go.
"Transmasculine or Transfeminine: modern replacements for AMAB/AFAB. Generally, they mean “someone who is transitioning towards masculinity and/or away from femininity” and the inverse."
the pair of terms, each of which has a dichotomous definition, could be confusing; if the reader skips or misunderstands the "and the inverse" then a confused or wrong interpretation results. Perhaps it would be clearer to spell it out:
"Transmasculine or Transfeminine: modern replacements for AMAB/AFAB. Generally, transmasculine means “someone who is transitioning towards masculinity and/or away from femininity” and transfeminine means “someone who is transitioning towards femininity and/or away from masculinity.”"
I am the father of a trans woman. She came out to us at age 19, which was more than ten years ago. I had a lot of the feelings you describe, and more.
One of the things I blamed myself was for not making the whole "being a guy" thing not seem attractive enough that she wanted to change. This is, of course, not to the point at all. Her transness is not something that was created behaviorally, but something that was determined at birth, just like other versions of sex/gender. But I rarely pass up an opportunity to feel guilty, and I certainly didn't here.
Some friends and a therapist (Yes!) calmed me down. Also reading and hearing about the experiences of other trans people. There wasn't a lot of material on parents of trans people, though.
I did go through a grieving process, like you describe. The person I thought I knew for 19 years didn't exist. Now I knew why the trip to the men's clothing store at age 16 fell so flat, though. (She knew then, but was afraid to tell us.)
Another fear/worry was that I was not going to be able to do right by her. After she first came out, she still had a very masculine presentation (remember, age 19, there weren't any blockers in play). She wasn't tall, so that helped. Of course, neither am I.
So I had a lot of trouble with pronouns. Not that I sort of refused to recognize and support her, but, at least at first, when I looked at her I saw a male, not a female. And so the male pronouns came out. It didn't help that she didn't choose a female name for quite a while.
One thing that made it all so much better, was something I'm quite proud of thinking of. I got her a Nerf shotgun. I gave it to her and told her that any time I got her pronoun wrong, she was allowed to shoot me with the Nerf shotgun. I did, and she did, and we all ended up laughing about it, which was fantastic. I highly recommend something of this nature for any parent in this situation. Changing pronouns is hard for us.
****
Doc, I love the references you give here, especially the 2020 survey of trans people. Which I would have liked to known about even a couple of weeks ago. Keep it up!
One more piece of advice: be gracious with yourself. You're going through a difficult change, just like your kid.
You're going to have complicated feelings about what your kid is going through, and some of those feelings might not be very nice for you, your kid, or your family. You're not going to get everything right all the time. On a practical level, you're going to have to deal with a lot of social and possibly medical stuff that you have no idea how to navigate. Not yet anyway. You'll get there, but it can feel like a struggle in the moment.
You're also going to have to get to know your kid all over again. They're still the same person, but they're not quite the person you thought they were. They might not even be the same person *they* thought they were. Maybe they choose a new name. Maybe new pronouns, clothes, hair, and the like. Maybe none of those things. But they will definitely have a new way of relating to the world and to other people, including you, and you'll be there to watch them figure out what that is.
All of this is hard, and try as you might, you're not going to be perfect. No one ever is. Love your kid and do your best for them, but don't beat yourself up over what you get wrong. You're learning as you go.
For an audience unfamiliar with it, in
"Transmasculine or Transfeminine: modern replacements for AMAB/AFAB. Generally, they mean “someone who is transitioning towards masculinity and/or away from femininity” and the inverse."
the pair of terms, each of which has a dichotomous definition, could be confusing; if the reader skips or misunderstands the "and the inverse" then a confused or wrong interpretation results. Perhaps it would be clearer to spell it out:
"Transmasculine or Transfeminine: modern replacements for AMAB/AFAB. Generally, transmasculine means “someone who is transitioning towards masculinity and/or away from femininity” and transfeminine means “someone who is transitioning towards femininity and/or away from masculinity.”"