Even that version is really only okay if they're actively questioning their gender. If they're not, and you're thinking they're trans? There's probably a pretty damn good reason why they're not questioning.
You misunderstand my premise. I'm not having a directed conversation with someone who isn't asking. And I'm not thinking anyone is trans unless they tell me they are.
But I grew up in a time when there was no book, no internet, no conversation, no voice out there saying "This is normal. This is ok."
There was no looking at a story about someone non-gender-conforming and having a trans-positive conversation. Ridicule. Stereotypes. Bigotry. A steady unending heartbeat of that.
When I reached my do something or die point and got help...the most amazing thing was how just a relatively tiny bit of affirmation and trans-normalizing experience...input...really just having conversations where it was no big deal and being around normal people who just also happened to be trans...wiped away decades of self-hate, shame, guilt, and internalized misogyny and transmisogyny.
I think that, had there been those counterpoints all along, where a conversation includes "Yeah...some people are like that. It's fine", I wouldn't have had to be pushed to extremis to consider exploring what was possible.
Just a voice, here and there. A conversation with no stakes, no targets. Not me asking. Not me pulling off my mask.
If you're thinking: "Well, all that just means you were ready.", that's not the state of mind or time or place in my journey I'm talking about. Wrong premise :)
I'm one of those "I knew as soon as I understood there was a difference" folks. I'm also one of those who was taught bit by bit over decades with never a bit of opposition that "This is NOT OK!". I was born in 1959. In 1962, I was rebelling and very comprehensively shut the fuck down from that behavior. And everyone and all of society reinforced it.
You want to be good. You want to do what's expected. What if someone had made it clear they were good with expected something else from people? Not me. People.
I was born in ‘57 and I echo the same exact comments as Melody. It was horrible to grow up in the 60’s and 70’s and then spend wretched adult years in the 70’s 80’s 90’s. If only someone could have approached me during my early years and said that being trans is okay. But there were no supportive people, no internet support structure, no societal support services…NOTHING!! Instead people like Melody and me and everyone else like us could only suffer in silence and “conform “ to what society said we must do…AND IT SUCKED. That’s why I don’t think the Prime Egg Directive is an absolute. Another trans woman once told me that trans women of my age are the lost generation and it’s so true.
Thank you for writing this. As someone who’s been on the wrong end of this, I genuinely appreciate looking at it from my perspective. (I’m the Cody Webb that was written about).
Having one person say that I am not who I say I am and that I need to reevaluate my entire life is one thing. That’s a lot for anyone to handle Having hundreds, possibly thousands of people do it is an entirely different beast. It messed with me in a way that felt extremely invasive.
Now, I genuinely appreciated the people that were gentle about it. The people who told me I could be whatever I wanted, that they’d love my content no matter what I posted, etc. There was acceptance. There was patience. There was love and appreciation.
But the people who went in full force at me when I had no experience evaluating myself in that way felt like they were throwing me at the wall and trying to make me crack. Which sucks no matter what my “true” gender is. Because if you throw an egg-shaped rock hard enough, it’s going to crack. But not in a way that’s going to make their life better.
All this to say, thank you. I appreciate this a lot 💜
Oh gosh, Cody, I'm really touched that you reached out, and I'm very sorry that you and I have any reason whatsoever to talk, because what was done to you was neither fair nor kind, and except for that, I doubt you'd ever know I even existed. And I'll bet you're less than surprised to hear that I've been *excoriated* by parts of the trans community, in some pretty horrendous terjms, for writing this article.
Some people sure like their entitlement, regardless of the cost to those around them, I guess. 😞
Oh, and on a personal note? Your material is gut-busting funny, and I'm a big fan. I hope you're proud of it. ☺️
Awwwwww, thank you! I genuinely appreciate it. I’m sorry that you’re getting hate for just trying to tell people to be kind and mind their business. I hope that, like me, you’ve grown a thick enough skin to deal with all this. (It sucks that we need it, but I digress)
Anyway, yes, I’m very proud of my work and I always appreciate when other folks appreciate it 💜
Feel free to counter-argue, but I personally feel like the EPD needs to be one where we push as close to the line as possible without crossing it. What I mean by that is, we live extremely openly ourselves, be an example for anybody who may be internally questioning, be willing to answer questions from people, and help anybody who's struggling with their gender in the maximum helpful way WITHOUT breaking the directive.
What this often looks like for me is people coming to me with questions about their gender and asking me for advice or my opinion. I will NOT tell them that they're trans, but I will ask them questions about themselves that they may not have considered yet or worded that way before. I will give them my experience and the experiences of my friends. I will share every resource they want, and challenge them to keep learning about themselves if they feel safe to do so.
I can't and won't tel them they're trans. I will make it clear that only they can do that for themselves. But I will correct false information they may have heard, share what it's like to suffer for years in the closet, and so on.
The danger of the EPD is just like in Star Trek... getting too zealous with the EPD can be just as dangerous as breaking it. Nobody should ever cross that line into assigning, diagnosing, or pushing a gender identity onto someone. But also, we should not be so afraid of the EPD that we withhold valuable help, resources, and experiences from planets (I mean eggs...) who can be helped without breaking the EPD. In fact, I think that's imperative, because just like in Star Trek we want to make sure civilizations (I mean eggs!) aren't accidentally wiped out by some preventable catastrophe purely because we took the concept of the EPD to an unnecessary extreme.
I've got to admit, I was pretty hesitant when I read your opening statement for this comment, but I sure agree with what you have to say.
I think one important note is that the PD in Trek is made to be harsh and uncompromising, specifically to set up ethical dilemmas for episodes. It's not great policy, which is the point in the shows--but the *practice* of what we see in episodes, of what you describe, is a much more effective ethical balancing of the imperative of self-determination against the ability to mitigate unnecessary harms.
Yeah exactly, and I think that ultimately is my point. The PD in the show is indeed designed to create ethical dilemma for the audience to ponder, but with the EPD it isn't plot points, it's human lives.
It sounds hyperbolic, but sometimes how well we handle this dilemma of how to help questioning people can affect whether or not some of them survive. Particularly now, in the light of the ongoing legislative attacks against trans people and the sharp increases in trans minors' suicide rates, not supporting them properly can mean the difference between life and potential death.
I say that as one of those 90s kids who almost didn't survive, in the days long before the metaphorical Starfleet (Transfleet?) ever flew by my little world and began scanning for eggs... (I can't help it, the Trekkie runs deep!)
Alot of it was dogpiling on other people's comments to continue what people clearly thought was a joke, and I wouldn't be surprised if many of them didn't actually watch or understand the joke, the subtext people were drawing from it, or that the whole wasn't just "we're all poking fun".
In that, it was thoughtlessly cruel, in the way that children can be.
For those that were serious and understood what they were about, carelessly unethical.
I had a few moments down through the years where someone asked what seemed like an innocent question about my gender presentation (I was genderfluid before I knew the term). I'm guessing each time probably delayed me figuring things out. I know one time almost certainly did. But the person asking (my mother) had no way of knowing what not to ask. And it was probably a little over decade ago, too. About as far back as I was probably able to understand what I was then unconsciously questioning... :-/ Oh for the lost time...
The part about BEING READY really gets me. I feel that deep in my bones. I transitioned at 33, after having Gone Through It for 20+ years. And I do grieve that time, and sometimes I wish things were different, but I KNOW that I wasn't ready yet. I didn't have the support that I needed.
And honestly, though the term didn't exist yet, I was myself a casualty of the violation of the Egg Prime Directive. Maybe I would've been ready sooner if I hadn't been pushed too early.
Hard to say, I guess... but the upshot is, I am so thankful for the life that I am living, and I would not change it.
Appreciate you reinforcing this concept. I actually don't understand how anybody would feel like they had the right to tell someone they are trans - questioning or not. I can understand wondering and making educated guesses - but to tell someone what only they can know and what is theirs to figure out seems really obtrusive at best.
I had gathered many trans and queer people around me before my egg cracked. I so appreciated them being willing to have thoughtful conversations about gender, support me through my confusions about myself. The closest they came to telling me were statements like, "yeah, I could see that for you" or "seems like something for you to look deeper at" or "we are here for you no matter what you figure out about gender". I felt perhaps a sense of excited expectancy and encouragement from them, but always it boiled down to "only you can figure that out no matter what anybody else might think". And that feels so right. And that is honestly what I mostly see in the queer community thankfully.
That pre-egg cracking stage is a precious and vulnerable time. And just like with a chick hatching from its egg, you do not do them any favors by helping them with the immense struggle of breaking free from their shell. All you are supposed to do is help keep them warm and give them good wishes. It is the act of breaking free that prepares them for life outside of the egg.
I mean, a number of those got pretty mean-spirited.
Idk, maybe it's me. There isn't much I take more offense at than people misrepresenting what I've said or done so they can attack. It gets me deep in the gut.
Sorry to hear that. Its disappointing. I like my bubble of queerdos better I guess! I'm not sure how to find you on reddit. The "doc impossible" search did not lead to anything that look like you!
I was in deep denial of myself after puberty started for me, masking my autism and telling to myself that it is just a fetish hurted me more than what i endured, and if i could go back to see my past self after he had suicide thoughts and wrote a word on a post-it, to tell him: "It's normal to feel ashamed, you have hidden yourself because of what the word autism meant to you, wanting to fit in the mold. Stop doing that, because it will get worse over time, and you will feel more ashamed and your parents won't believe you because you have decided to not show them who you are and wanting to be normal. And go read about Rain the Webcomic, it will be better than Bodysuit 23" Because during 2021 or 2022, i was close to becoming anti-Lgbtq because of what the peoples where doing that was literally too much (Banning a poem written in french that has the mention of slave market (Poem is called Pour toi, mon amour), self proclaimed first nation lady burning book that her only claim to beijg first nation member is 8 generations earlier that lots of peoples could claim the same thing, debacle with whole political correctness, a video made by a certain Dimitri Monroe (guy that looked feminine but he was still a guy) about how Bridget being trans actually hurted otonoke or the femboy thing, etc). And i stopped looking at news on my computer or cellphone pretty much everyday, only looking at stuff sometimes. The Egg prime Directive needs to be applied, but if someone could have helped me when i was deep down into it, i may have not tried for real to end my life.
The EPD is not meant to keep you from being offered help! I wish you had received the help you needed. You deserved that. Nobody can tell you who you are. Only you can do that. Only you should do that. Your identity needs to be based on your own journey of self discovery - which is often both beautifully liberating and very hard. We should offer compassionate support when others are questioning. We should create a safe environment for people to feel safe to question. We should help them talk through their questions of identity and help them know they are not alone. But we cannot give them the answer they are looking for because the identity they are searching for comes from within.
Actually, the hardest thing for me is trying to check inside me, because i have for too long searched for a person that could tell me that yes, you are trans. But since it's all introspection, i don't know how to do it as an autistic person diagnosed asperger before they bundled everything, my time in autistic classes, the traumas i had hidden to be normal, that stuff hurted myself, hurted how i think, hurted how i performed rn and my family telling me to not trust everything on the internet and go see specialists to perfectly know what is wrong with me and to wait (living in the province of Quebec where there's waiting lists to see psychologists and other stuff because they are already full rn). I really need a place to vent that stuff.
Yes. This makes perfect sense to me, even as I am working out the shape and dimensionality of my own gender. It also applies to neurodivergence; ND friends (I have many; odd, that 🙂) confirmed, and affirmed, my autism, but only after I (finally!) recognised and owned it myself. And that was right, no matter how blindingly obvious it was to anyone looking at me before. Eggs of all kinds need to hatch from inside their shells.
This is a great post, and I believe with everything in me that it's absolutely correct. The reasons behind the EPD are real and valid and not to be fucked around with.
But sometimes following it is *really hard*.
I'm a writer of fiction, and I often attend a weekly Zoom writing group where folks show up and share their work and receive feedback from peers. A couple years ago, a new writer showed up and shared a few pieces. I'm going to call him M---, and I'm going to refer to him as a man and use he/him pronouns, because that's how he identifies. He was about 21, I think, so still pretty young.
After he read his first piece, I had a pretty strong suspicion that he was an egg. After he read his second, I was almost certain. His work was about boys who wanted to be girls, and it wasn't subtle. It absolutely *screamed* it. It was also pretty decent writing, at least when it wasn't getting in its own way, but that's beside the point.
I offered to meet with him individually to talk about his writing and his ideas about gender. We met a couple of times, and we mostly talked about how he thought about gender in his writing, but also a little bit about how he thought about his own gender. I'm an openly trans woman, and all the regulars know that because I transitioned as a member of the group. I also don't think I pass, though that's a whole different discussion. I offered him a friendly ear and an openly trans perspective on gender.
In our discussions, he insisted that his characters (and by extension his own self) were "effeminate" men who had an affinity for traditionally female presentation and social roles and behaviors, and they were frustrated to the point of anger over being forced into gendered male social expectations. But they (and he) were one thousand percent *not* trans.
I know with absolute certainty that he is trans and in denial. I can see two futures for him - one where he continues to insist that he's not trans and society just needs to let him exist as a man who doesn't present or behave in a traditionally masculine way. And, you know, valid. Gender roles are a prison for *all* of us. But I also *know* that will never be enough for him. The other future is the one where he faces up to his fears and admits that he's trans.
The last time we talked, I was screaming inside my head, "You're trans! Why can't you see that??!?", but I didn't say that out loud. I told him it was okay to be himself, *whatever* that meant to him, and that his gender was valid and that *he* was valid. I wanted *so much* to tell him that I recognized him for who he was, and that was okay, but that would have been the absolute worst thing for him. He was angry and scared and he wasn't ready, and it was written all over his face. It wasn't my place to tell him who he was. It's never our place to tell anyone else who they are, even if we think they're ready.
I didn't violate the EPD, but I danced closer to the line that was comfortable for him, and even that may have been harmful.
I haven't spoken to him in a while. He stopped coming to group for unrelated schedule reasons, and we lost touch. If offered him my email, in case he ever wanted to talk again, but I haven't heard from him.
I'm tearing up a little, just writing this. The poor guy was so obviously in pain and struggling with gender and with just *life*. Maybe he's discovered his (her) real self since last we talked, and he's finally allowing her to come out. Probably not.
Sorry for such a long post, but it's been haunting me. Maybe other readers can benefit from my perspective.
I'm so happy that I had so much great information available to me when my egg cracked. The infamous webcomic struck me as pretty close to an EPD breach: "If you [think this], you are literally a trans girl already." I know it's actually not because it wasn't someone telling me personally that I was trans, but that message lanced straight into my brain and woke me up in about a second and a half.
The week that followed was tumultuously emotional--as you may remember! Part of my brain put up a half-assed resistance, but by the time I finished reading "How to Tell If You're Trans," I was ready for warp technology.
Love the article and couldn't agree more! The one thing I wonder if it's OK to share, is the likelihood that anyone walking through the egg door (e.g. attending a support group) is going to decide they're trans and transition. It's just information, and it's not a certainty, so it doesn't solve the problem of the egg deciding who they are. It might be helpful for people to know?
I mean, but we don't know that likelihood, except by the anecdotes of our lives. That being the case, how can we possibly give them genuinely trustworthy information of that specific type?
The thing is, the principle at stake is the right to self-determination. They have to have the right to be the first and last authority on their own identity, you know?
There's also the argument that, from a certain perspective, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine was the first show on television to feature a trans character (Jadzia Dax, played by Terry Farrel) as a series regular, living her life and just generally being awesome. Sure, it's hidden behind a curtain of sci-fi, but it's a *very* thin curtain.
I've seen you make this particular point before, but not here...and it's important enough I'd like to say it.
Regarding the if only someone had told me argument...
The true...the safe and useful and saving way to finish that statement is: "If only someone had told me, helped me believe...THAT IT'S OK IF YOU ARE."
Even that version is really only okay if they're actively questioning their gender. If they're not, and you're thinking they're trans? There's probably a pretty damn good reason why they're not questioning.
You misunderstand my premise. I'm not having a directed conversation with someone who isn't asking. And I'm not thinking anyone is trans unless they tell me they are.
But I grew up in a time when there was no book, no internet, no conversation, no voice out there saying "This is normal. This is ok."
There was no looking at a story about someone non-gender-conforming and having a trans-positive conversation. Ridicule. Stereotypes. Bigotry. A steady unending heartbeat of that.
When I reached my do something or die point and got help...the most amazing thing was how just a relatively tiny bit of affirmation and trans-normalizing experience...input...really just having conversations where it was no big deal and being around normal people who just also happened to be trans...wiped away decades of self-hate, shame, guilt, and internalized misogyny and transmisogyny.
I think that, had there been those counterpoints all along, where a conversation includes "Yeah...some people are like that. It's fine", I wouldn't have had to be pushed to extremis to consider exploring what was possible.
Just a voice, here and there. A conversation with no stakes, no targets. Not me asking. Not me pulling off my mask.
If you're thinking: "Well, all that just means you were ready.", that's not the state of mind or time or place in my journey I'm talking about. Wrong premise :)
I'm one of those "I knew as soon as I understood there was a difference" folks. I'm also one of those who was taught bit by bit over decades with never a bit of opposition that "This is NOT OK!". I was born in 1959. In 1962, I was rebelling and very comprehensively shut the fuck down from that behavior. And everyone and all of society reinforced it.
You want to be good. You want to do what's expected. What if someone had made it clear they were good with expected something else from people? Not me. People.
Hey...I'm people. Hmm.
Ten years younger, exact same story.
I was born in ‘57 and I echo the same exact comments as Melody. It was horrible to grow up in the 60’s and 70’s and then spend wretched adult years in the 70’s 80’s 90’s. If only someone could have approached me during my early years and said that being trans is okay. But there were no supportive people, no internet support structure, no societal support services…NOTHING!! Instead people like Melody and me and everyone else like us could only suffer in silence and “conform “ to what society said we must do…AND IT SUCKED. That’s why I don’t think the Prime Egg Directive is an absolute. Another trans woman once told me that trans women of my age are the lost generation and it’s so true.
Thank you for writing this. As someone who’s been on the wrong end of this, I genuinely appreciate looking at it from my perspective. (I’m the Cody Webb that was written about).
Having one person say that I am not who I say I am and that I need to reevaluate my entire life is one thing. That’s a lot for anyone to handle Having hundreds, possibly thousands of people do it is an entirely different beast. It messed with me in a way that felt extremely invasive.
Now, I genuinely appreciated the people that were gentle about it. The people who told me I could be whatever I wanted, that they’d love my content no matter what I posted, etc. There was acceptance. There was patience. There was love and appreciation.
But the people who went in full force at me when I had no experience evaluating myself in that way felt like they were throwing me at the wall and trying to make me crack. Which sucks no matter what my “true” gender is. Because if you throw an egg-shaped rock hard enough, it’s going to crack. But not in a way that’s going to make their life better.
All this to say, thank you. I appreciate this a lot 💜
Oh gosh, Cody, I'm really touched that you reached out, and I'm very sorry that you and I have any reason whatsoever to talk, because what was done to you was neither fair nor kind, and except for that, I doubt you'd ever know I even existed. And I'll bet you're less than surprised to hear that I've been *excoriated* by parts of the trans community, in some pretty horrendous terjms, for writing this article.
Some people sure like their entitlement, regardless of the cost to those around them, I guess. 😞
Oh, and on a personal note? Your material is gut-busting funny, and I'm a big fan. I hope you're proud of it. ☺️
Awwwwww, thank you! I genuinely appreciate it. I’m sorry that you’re getting hate for just trying to tell people to be kind and mind their business. I hope that, like me, you’ve grown a thick enough skin to deal with all this. (It sucks that we need it, but I digress)
Anyway, yes, I’m very proud of my work and I always appreciate when other folks appreciate it 💜
Ehh, it's the internet rage machine. I'm sure you know how the cycles of lunacy go.
Feel free to counter-argue, but I personally feel like the EPD needs to be one where we push as close to the line as possible without crossing it. What I mean by that is, we live extremely openly ourselves, be an example for anybody who may be internally questioning, be willing to answer questions from people, and help anybody who's struggling with their gender in the maximum helpful way WITHOUT breaking the directive.
What this often looks like for me is people coming to me with questions about their gender and asking me for advice or my opinion. I will NOT tell them that they're trans, but I will ask them questions about themselves that they may not have considered yet or worded that way before. I will give them my experience and the experiences of my friends. I will share every resource they want, and challenge them to keep learning about themselves if they feel safe to do so.
I can't and won't tel them they're trans. I will make it clear that only they can do that for themselves. But I will correct false information they may have heard, share what it's like to suffer for years in the closet, and so on.
The danger of the EPD is just like in Star Trek... getting too zealous with the EPD can be just as dangerous as breaking it. Nobody should ever cross that line into assigning, diagnosing, or pushing a gender identity onto someone. But also, we should not be so afraid of the EPD that we withhold valuable help, resources, and experiences from planets (I mean eggs...) who can be helped without breaking the EPD. In fact, I think that's imperative, because just like in Star Trek we want to make sure civilizations (I mean eggs!) aren't accidentally wiped out by some preventable catastrophe purely because we took the concept of the EPD to an unnecessary extreme.
I've got to admit, I was pretty hesitant when I read your opening statement for this comment, but I sure agree with what you have to say.
I think one important note is that the PD in Trek is made to be harsh and uncompromising, specifically to set up ethical dilemmas for episodes. It's not great policy, which is the point in the shows--but the *practice* of what we see in episodes, of what you describe, is a much more effective ethical balancing of the imperative of self-determination against the ability to mitigate unnecessary harms.
Yeah exactly, and I think that ultimately is my point. The PD in the show is indeed designed to create ethical dilemma for the audience to ponder, but with the EPD it isn't plot points, it's human lives.
It sounds hyperbolic, but sometimes how well we handle this dilemma of how to help questioning people can affect whether or not some of them survive. Particularly now, in the light of the ongoing legislative attacks against trans people and the sharp increases in trans minors' suicide rates, not supporting them properly can mean the difference between life and potential death.
I say that as one of those 90s kids who almost didn't survive, in the days long before the metaphorical Starfleet (Transfleet?) ever flew by my little world and began scanning for eggs... (I can't help it, the Trekkie runs deep!)
Brilliant article, the Cody situation is such an interesting parasocial example of the EPD being trampled and I'm glad you brought attention to it
Yeah, I was pretty shocked when I saw what he'd made into a joke. And bully for him—he's made some excellent lemonade from those lemons.
But he shouldn't have had to.
I missed the Cody thing, I'm not a big tiktok user, and never saw the precipitating joke. So now I'm curious what this "found it too funny" joke was.
Here’s the original post. You can also see the comments section that inspired my adverse reaction too https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP88BBKTu/
(I’ve refined the joke since then to make it less egg-y)
It is, in fairness, a goddamn funny joke.
But no matter how funny it was, the response was unconscionable.
Ok. Yeah. That was a LOT.
Alot of it was dogpiling on other people's comments to continue what people clearly thought was a joke, and I wouldn't be surprised if many of them didn't actually watch or understand the joke, the subtext people were drawing from it, or that the whole wasn't just "we're all poking fun".
In that, it was thoughtlessly cruel, in the way that children can be.
For those that were serious and understood what they were about, carelessly unethical.
Add to that the fact that I’m autistic and would have a harder time understanding the ones that were jokes and you have a recipe for disaster
Oooooofffff 🫂🫂🫂
The link you provided was the reaction to the reaction to the joke...or I have no idea how to navigate tiktok...both may be true, one certainly is :p
It's been a long time. I only ever caught the aftermath.
https://www.tiktok.com/@therealcodywebb/video/7057216770020592943?lang=en
:)
Because I suck at tiktok, but my google-fu is second to none.
I had a few moments down through the years where someone asked what seemed like an innocent question about my gender presentation (I was genderfluid before I knew the term). I'm guessing each time probably delayed me figuring things out. I know one time almost certainly did. But the person asking (my mother) had no way of knowing what not to ask. And it was probably a little over decade ago, too. About as far back as I was probably able to understand what I was then unconsciously questioning... :-/ Oh for the lost time...
🫂🫂🫂
This is an absolutely excellent essay.
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
The part about BEING READY really gets me. I feel that deep in my bones. I transitioned at 33, after having Gone Through It for 20+ years. And I do grieve that time, and sometimes I wish things were different, but I KNOW that I wasn't ready yet. I didn't have the support that I needed.
And honestly, though the term didn't exist yet, I was myself a casualty of the violation of the Egg Prime Directive. Maybe I would've been ready sooner if I hadn't been pushed too early.
Hard to say, I guess... but the upshot is, I am so thankful for the life that I am living, and I would not change it.
Appreciate you reinforcing this concept. I actually don't understand how anybody would feel like they had the right to tell someone they are trans - questioning or not. I can understand wondering and making educated guesses - but to tell someone what only they can know and what is theirs to figure out seems really obtrusive at best.
I had gathered many trans and queer people around me before my egg cracked. I so appreciated them being willing to have thoughtful conversations about gender, support me through my confusions about myself. The closest they came to telling me were statements like, "yeah, I could see that for you" or "seems like something for you to look deeper at" or "we are here for you no matter what you figure out about gender". I felt perhaps a sense of excited expectancy and encouragement from them, but always it boiled down to "only you can figure that out no matter what anybody else might think". And that feels so right. And that is honestly what I mostly see in the queer community thankfully.
That pre-egg cracking stage is a precious and vulnerable time. And just like with a chick hatching from its egg, you do not do them any favors by helping them with the immense struggle of breaking free from their shell. All you are supposed to do is help keep them warm and give them good wishes. It is the act of breaking free that prepares them for life outside of the egg.
Well, if you want to see an example of exactly what you say you can't imagine
Go check out the comments on my post of this on reddit. I got *excoriated*.
To be excoriated would mean someone had actually taken your arguments apart. Dismantled them.
I didn't see that going on there. :)
I saw disagreement, and I saw some people who were just being turds in a "I'm just here to argue" sort of way.
I kept penning responses, then realizing you'd already said the point I was going to make better than I could :P
Hoist by the petard of competence, my dear Professor :)
I mean, a number of those got pretty mean-spirited.
Idk, maybe it's me. There isn't much I take more offense at than people misrepresenting what I've said or done so they can attack. It gets me deep in the gut.
Sorry to hear that. Its disappointing. I like my bubble of queerdos better I guess! I'm not sure how to find you on reddit. The "doc impossible" search did not lead to anything that look like you!
Doc Impossible is my display name. Impossible_PhD is the account name most places, including reddit.
I was in deep denial of myself after puberty started for me, masking my autism and telling to myself that it is just a fetish hurted me more than what i endured, and if i could go back to see my past self after he had suicide thoughts and wrote a word on a post-it, to tell him: "It's normal to feel ashamed, you have hidden yourself because of what the word autism meant to you, wanting to fit in the mold. Stop doing that, because it will get worse over time, and you will feel more ashamed and your parents won't believe you because you have decided to not show them who you are and wanting to be normal. And go read about Rain the Webcomic, it will be better than Bodysuit 23" Because during 2021 or 2022, i was close to becoming anti-Lgbtq because of what the peoples where doing that was literally too much (Banning a poem written in french that has the mention of slave market (Poem is called Pour toi, mon amour), self proclaimed first nation lady burning book that her only claim to beijg first nation member is 8 generations earlier that lots of peoples could claim the same thing, debacle with whole political correctness, a video made by a certain Dimitri Monroe (guy that looked feminine but he was still a guy) about how Bridget being trans actually hurted otonoke or the femboy thing, etc). And i stopped looking at news on my computer or cellphone pretty much everyday, only looking at stuff sometimes. The Egg prime Directive needs to be applied, but if someone could have helped me when i was deep down into it, i may have not tried for real to end my life.
The EPD is not meant to keep you from being offered help! I wish you had received the help you needed. You deserved that. Nobody can tell you who you are. Only you can do that. Only you should do that. Your identity needs to be based on your own journey of self discovery - which is often both beautifully liberating and very hard. We should offer compassionate support when others are questioning. We should create a safe environment for people to feel safe to question. We should help them talk through their questions of identity and help them know they are not alone. But we cannot give them the answer they are looking for because the identity they are searching for comes from within.
Actually, the hardest thing for me is trying to check inside me, because i have for too long searched for a person that could tell me that yes, you are trans. But since it's all introspection, i don't know how to do it as an autistic person diagnosed asperger before they bundled everything, my time in autistic classes, the traumas i had hidden to be normal, that stuff hurted myself, hurted how i think, hurted how i performed rn and my family telling me to not trust everything on the internet and go see specialists to perfectly know what is wrong with me and to wait (living in the province of Quebec where there's waiting lists to see psychologists and other stuff because they are already full rn). I really need a place to vent that stuff.
I mean, it kinda sounds like you were forced to mask really hard using ABA torture. 🫂🫂🫂
In a short response: what the hell is ABA ? What are some things that ABA forces overall to call it torture ?
ABA is Applied Behavior Analysis, a common "treatment" for autistic kids.
Here's a news article about it: https://whyy.org/segments/how-a-therapy-once-seen-as-a-victory-for-autistic-kids-has-come-under-fire-as-abuse/
In hindsight, what i lived for my last years of secondary was maybe a kind of ABA
Yes. This makes perfect sense to me, even as I am working out the shape and dimensionality of my own gender. It also applies to neurodivergence; ND friends (I have many; odd, that 🙂) confirmed, and affirmed, my autism, but only after I (finally!) recognised and owned it myself. And that was right, no matter how blindingly obvious it was to anyone looking at me before. Eggs of all kinds need to hatch from inside their shells.
This is a great post, and I believe with everything in me that it's absolutely correct. The reasons behind the EPD are real and valid and not to be fucked around with.
But sometimes following it is *really hard*.
I'm a writer of fiction, and I often attend a weekly Zoom writing group where folks show up and share their work and receive feedback from peers. A couple years ago, a new writer showed up and shared a few pieces. I'm going to call him M---, and I'm going to refer to him as a man and use he/him pronouns, because that's how he identifies. He was about 21, I think, so still pretty young.
After he read his first piece, I had a pretty strong suspicion that he was an egg. After he read his second, I was almost certain. His work was about boys who wanted to be girls, and it wasn't subtle. It absolutely *screamed* it. It was also pretty decent writing, at least when it wasn't getting in its own way, but that's beside the point.
I offered to meet with him individually to talk about his writing and his ideas about gender. We met a couple of times, and we mostly talked about how he thought about gender in his writing, but also a little bit about how he thought about his own gender. I'm an openly trans woman, and all the regulars know that because I transitioned as a member of the group. I also don't think I pass, though that's a whole different discussion. I offered him a friendly ear and an openly trans perspective on gender.
In our discussions, he insisted that his characters (and by extension his own self) were "effeminate" men who had an affinity for traditionally female presentation and social roles and behaviors, and they were frustrated to the point of anger over being forced into gendered male social expectations. But they (and he) were one thousand percent *not* trans.
I know with absolute certainty that he is trans and in denial. I can see two futures for him - one where he continues to insist that he's not trans and society just needs to let him exist as a man who doesn't present or behave in a traditionally masculine way. And, you know, valid. Gender roles are a prison for *all* of us. But I also *know* that will never be enough for him. The other future is the one where he faces up to his fears and admits that he's trans.
The last time we talked, I was screaming inside my head, "You're trans! Why can't you see that??!?", but I didn't say that out loud. I told him it was okay to be himself, *whatever* that meant to him, and that his gender was valid and that *he* was valid. I wanted *so much* to tell him that I recognized him for who he was, and that was okay, but that would have been the absolute worst thing for him. He was angry and scared and he wasn't ready, and it was written all over his face. It wasn't my place to tell him who he was. It's never our place to tell anyone else who they are, even if we think they're ready.
I didn't violate the EPD, but I danced closer to the line that was comfortable for him, and even that may have been harmful.
I haven't spoken to him in a while. He stopped coming to group for unrelated schedule reasons, and we lost touch. If offered him my email, in case he ever wanted to talk again, but I haven't heard from him.
I'm tearing up a little, just writing this. The poor guy was so obviously in pain and struggling with gender and with just *life*. Maybe he's discovered his (her) real self since last we talked, and he's finally allowing her to come out. Probably not.
Sorry for such a long post, but it's been haunting me. Maybe other readers can benefit from my perspective.
Don't apologize--this sort of thing is heartbreaking, but lovely.
I'm so happy that I had so much great information available to me when my egg cracked. The infamous webcomic struck me as pretty close to an EPD breach: "If you [think this], you are literally a trans girl already." I know it's actually not because it wasn't someone telling me personally that I was trans, but that message lanced straight into my brain and woke me up in about a second and a half.
The week that followed was tumultuously emotional--as you may remember! Part of my brain put up a half-assed resistance, but by the time I finished reading "How to Tell If You're Trans," I was ready for warp technology.
Love the article and couldn't agree more! The one thing I wonder if it's OK to share, is the likelihood that anyone walking through the egg door (e.g. attending a support group) is going to decide they're trans and transition. It's just information, and it's not a certainty, so it doesn't solve the problem of the egg deciding who they are. It might be helpful for people to know?
I mean, but we don't know that likelihood, except by the anecdotes of our lives. That being the case, how can we possibly give them genuinely trustworthy information of that specific type?
The thing is, the principle at stake is the right to self-determination. They have to have the right to be the first and last authority on their own identity, you know?
Well penned.
Epic
I did not know about this phrase simply because I´ve never seen Star Trek at all. As a trans person I need to watch it haha.
Amazing article!
Welllllll…Trek can be a bit of a mixed bag. There's a joke that Season 1 of every Trek is horrible, and it's kinda right.
If you want to dip your toe in, Strange New Worlds is a great place to start.
There's also the argument that, from a certain perspective, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine was the first show on television to feature a trans character (Jadzia Dax, played by Terry Farrel) as a series regular, living her life and just generally being awesome. Sure, it's hidden behind a curtain of sci-fi, but it's a *very* thin curtain.
I mean... That's how SF WORKS.
Excellent analysis Doc. Thank you, as always.