I'm not planning on getting top surgery at all. My goal for my own breasts in my transition was unambiguously female breasts. And I have those now. Would I like them to be a little bigger? Sure, I guess. And I still have time for further development. But I don't *need* any particular size or shape. I just need breasts, and the ones I have are more than enough.
But I get what you're saying.
One of my biggest points of dysphoria was my voice. I *hated* my masc voice. I sang in the church choir as a kid, but I did whatever I could to avoid singing after puberty, because the cacophony that emerged from my mouth was NOTHING like the singing voice in my head. I would have done ANYTHING to develop a reasonable femme voice. As it turned out, all it took was a few months of vocal therapy and a minor outpatient procedure to correct a defect in my vocal folds, and now I'm happy with my voice. It's not perfect, but when I talk, I sound like me. My masc voice is still there, hiding underneath, and I don't even mind it anymore, because my *real* voice is there when I need it. A dear trans friend is even teaching me to sing!
It's your body, and I celebrate you for finding the body that fits who you are.
I've thought a lot about the two magic pills - the one that gives you the (cisgender) body that fits overnight, and the one that takes away all your transness. They don't exist, obviously, but they're a useful thought experiment in discovering how you relate to gender.
I've *always* known I wanted to try on a female body, at least if I had the safety of going back. I knew ten years before I transitioned that I'd take the magic pill even if there was no going back.
The second pill was harder. Do I *want* to deal with all the medical, social, and political difficulties of being trans? Of course not.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I took the magic pill, nothing about me would be me anymore. Almost everything about the way I see the world and the way I relate to other humans is feminine. I've always found it much easier to form friendships with women than with men, even with all the boundaries society puts in the way of such friendships. I've always seen myself much more clearly in female characters in books and on screen.
If a magic pill took all that away, what would be left?
I love being a woman, and I love being trans (despite all the difficulties), but even if I'd never been able to transition, if I were stuck in a male body and a male social role for the rest of my life, I wouldn't want my transness to go away. Without it, I wouldn't be me.
HRT was kind to me. Maybe kinder than I thought I wanted. I ended up (currently) with 40DD boobs. Their presence comforts and calms my mind in ways I've been trying to describe ever since they started growing in.
For all my cis life, I had phantom boob. I felt like something was missing. I *felt* my breasts were there, and they should be brushing my arm, and looking down was disconcerting and saddening, like something that had never been there had been removed.
As I work through this, and so many other things, I become aware of the limitations of language. We describe dysphoria as the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing someone else, but it is much more than that. It's the whole sensory gestalt. Everything you feel is off. And then, when HRT has had a chance to do it's thing, one day you notice it's not.
HRT has its limits, and we all have our paths to getting our bodies to match ourselves... our best selves, our truest deepest selves. As I start on the journey to GCS, I keep that in mind. Every step we take is valid, and having the courage to remake ourselves for this, our one loop through on this crazy little rock, well. I think we are beautiful.
Hell yeah!! One of my most popular articles of all time touches in the same thing: "Jessica Rabbit Comes Out As Asexual"
The article also at the bottom collects most of the current coverage by others on Jessica being asexual. She really does speak to so many people about why it's reasonable to want to look great without being sexualized or eroticized. Tell me I look great and let's eat some cake 🙂🎂
Your gender and your identity are a product of your ENTIRE central nervous system. Listen to your body. Your body knows what it needs. You are not wrong or pathological to need surgery to feel whole.
Your body knows. Help it find wholeness.
And if you find yourself with an addiction to surgery like my wife is addicted to tattoos, that's okay too and has nothing to do with being or not being trans lol.
I hope this brings you many years of peace and serenity with your body. If it's any comfort, these are the obstacles all of us face as women. Having a trans medical background just means you have faced unusual obstacles. Take out the trans part and no one would know the difference between a cis vs trans woman needing the same gender affirming care. To me, the obstacles you are facing prove you are and have always been the woman you know yourself to be <3
What's up Doc (sorry I could not resist), it's like you explained everything that I feel about this, all in one well written article. I have such a hard time trying to put how I feel about this into words, you covered it very, very well. I have this image of myself that hormones alone can't seem to fulfill for me, and as I go further into my transition, it gets harder to ignore. My wife and I are in a battle of wills over this subject, she is dead set against my having surgery, I am finding it painful to not have it. I have a consult with a surgeon scheduled in July, so things will be coming to a head soon.
BTW, for anyone who may ask, this is all about how I feel about my own body. I am not trying to attract men (or women for that matter), this is all for me and feeling good about myself. When someone dresses up nice and says " I did this for myself, nobody else" they are being truthful, I now get it!
Well, it's your body, so your wife doesn't get a say, period. Like, it's kind of you to consider her input, but if you don't own and have an absolute right to control your body, you don't have *anything*.
And believe it or not, you're the first person to do what's up doc!
Yes, you are correct, but we all have compromises to make where relationships are concerned. Unfortunately, we may be reaching the place where compromise is no longer possible.
BTW, you know that I have to watch Roger Rabbit now! I have it in my watch list for the next opportunity to see it. My wife is going to think I am nuts, well maybe more nuts.
Hell yeah let them howl. They can't understand what it is to be trans, to embrace all that means and all you need to fit into your own body the way your brain says you should. I hope these implants give you everything you need!
Jessica Rabbit. Icon, absolutely! Drawn to be sexualised, overlooked, underestimated. Even her voice, soft and breathy, is there to be ignored and spoken over.
This reminds me of an Audre Lorde essay, "Uses of the erotic : the erotic as power," particularly this passage:
"We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings. But, once recognized, those which do not enhance our future lose their power and can be altered. The fear of our desires keeps them suspect and indiscriminately powerful, for to suppress any truth is to give it strength beyond endurance. The fear that we cannot grow beyond whatever distortions we may find within ourselves keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, externally defined, and leads us to accept many facets of our oppression as women."
If you haven't read it before, it's worth checking out. I found it very resonate with my transness and how many years I feared the yes in myself. I'm glad you've come to embrace yours.
Ohhh yes. Audre Lourde is... It's hard to describe how highly I think of her work, but I generally try to keep things to one Complex Thing per article, for accessibility, which is why she doesn't appear here.
... I mean, also I'm such a bell hooks fangirl that I just always think of her first. 😅
Thank you for sharing this. I've had a similar metaphor in my head about bottomless holes below me, but it's a Great Blue Hole and I'm 100ft under water already—and holding my breath—while I struggle to not sink further.
I'm still back at the starting line of my own hatching and have similar desires for—and fears about—significant breast size. I work in engineering with predominantly cis/het/white males, and can definitely see that having similar impacts on my credibility and acceptance in the workplace.
I've been experimenting with proportions and sizes using silicone forms to see what looks and—more importantly—feels right for my body. I had two thoughts the first time I put on a pair: "Yes!", followed immediately by "BIGGER!".☺️ I'm up to 1200g (ea, not sure what volume) forms that nicely fill a 44DD cup. There are a few more sizes above those but they're cost prohibitive for experimenting.
Yeah, that feeling of vertigo when you realize that there's things you need that are just... *more* than is typical. And that's okay. It took me a long, long time to be okay with things. To be honest, I wasn't until *after* my second surgery.
Couple of notes:
1. 1200g=1200cc. Metric is nice like that
2. I'd be shocked if 1200cc's was a DD. 1000ccs was a 38H for me. *MAYBE* is 1200ccs was both sizers combined, but consider trying a larger cup size.
Interesting suggestion on the rice! I'm wearing my forms as often as possible to see how they feel in daily life, not sure I want a bag of rice coming undone while I'm asleep. 😄
The density of the gel is probably close enough to water for that conversion, I just haven't done a displacement test yet. Seems like a reasonable starting point for a conversation with the surgeon.
Also, don't forget about sister sizes: 38H is a 44E. These are flat backed and probably big enough to fill a 44DDD—I have to go up one set of hooks to be able to breathe. And implants also have tissue between them and the bra, so that adds a few letter sizes. 😊
Sister sizing is only good for one band-size increment differences, really. Check out /r/abrathatfits sometime--something like 60% of all US women are wearing a bra too small for them, and that's responsible for most boob-related back pain.
1. This is great and I relate to 160% of it. I hope the surgery's wondrous and trouble free. Developing breasts that felt real was So Important to me and I remember just being SQUEE when I and my partners realized they had finally come in.
2. IDK about your university but you know what changed about my own tenured academic job (in the humanities) after I came out as a trans girl? My de facto job description included "be visibly trans on committees and in front of students so that we can show that we're a trans-inclusive university and there are trans profs on these committees." I don't mind. Sometimes I like it. (Extrovert here, I guess: YMMV. But get ready for that?)
I didn't go for top surgery, mainly because I was satisfied enough with how everything developed. But I did go in for FFS and VFS because the dysphoria attached to those areas was strong enough to demand it...I didn't know how essential the VFS would really be until I had it and then 99% of the telephone misgendering ended. I didn't know how essential the FFS would be until I looked in the mirror, saw myself as I am and not as who I was. My surgeon boasts about "life changing" surgeries and he is not wrong to do so.
I'm not planning on getting top surgery at all. My goal for my own breasts in my transition was unambiguously female breasts. And I have those now. Would I like them to be a little bigger? Sure, I guess. And I still have time for further development. But I don't *need* any particular size or shape. I just need breasts, and the ones I have are more than enough.
But I get what you're saying.
One of my biggest points of dysphoria was my voice. I *hated* my masc voice. I sang in the church choir as a kid, but I did whatever I could to avoid singing after puberty, because the cacophony that emerged from my mouth was NOTHING like the singing voice in my head. I would have done ANYTHING to develop a reasonable femme voice. As it turned out, all it took was a few months of vocal therapy and a minor outpatient procedure to correct a defect in my vocal folds, and now I'm happy with my voice. It's not perfect, but when I talk, I sound like me. My masc voice is still there, hiding underneath, and I don't even mind it anymore, because my *real* voice is there when I need it. A dear trans friend is even teaching me to sing!
It's your body, and I celebrate you for finding the body that fits who you are.
I've thought a lot about the two magic pills - the one that gives you the (cisgender) body that fits overnight, and the one that takes away all your transness. They don't exist, obviously, but they're a useful thought experiment in discovering how you relate to gender.
I've *always* known I wanted to try on a female body, at least if I had the safety of going back. I knew ten years before I transitioned that I'd take the magic pill even if there was no going back.
The second pill was harder. Do I *want* to deal with all the medical, social, and political difficulties of being trans? Of course not.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I took the magic pill, nothing about me would be me anymore. Almost everything about the way I see the world and the way I relate to other humans is feminine. I've always found it much easier to form friendships with women than with men, even with all the boundaries society puts in the way of such friendships. I've always seen myself much more clearly in female characters in books and on screen.
If a magic pill took all that away, what would be left?
I love being a woman, and I love being trans (despite all the difficulties), but even if I'd never been able to transition, if I were stuck in a male body and a male social role for the rest of my life, I wouldn't want my transness to go away. Without it, I wouldn't be me.
10/10 comment, no notes.
HRT was kind to me. Maybe kinder than I thought I wanted. I ended up (currently) with 40DD boobs. Their presence comforts and calms my mind in ways I've been trying to describe ever since they started growing in.
For all my cis life, I had phantom boob. I felt like something was missing. I *felt* my breasts were there, and they should be brushing my arm, and looking down was disconcerting and saddening, like something that had never been there had been removed.
As I work through this, and so many other things, I become aware of the limitations of language. We describe dysphoria as the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing someone else, but it is much more than that. It's the whole sensory gestalt. Everything you feel is off. And then, when HRT has had a chance to do it's thing, one day you notice it's not.
HRT has its limits, and we all have our paths to getting our bodies to match ourselves... our best selves, our truest deepest selves. As I start on the journey to GCS, I keep that in mind. Every step we take is valid, and having the courage to remake ourselves for this, our one loop through on this crazy little rock, well. I think we are beautiful.
💜
Hell yeah!! One of my most popular articles of all time touches in the same thing: "Jessica Rabbit Comes Out As Asexual"
The article also at the bottom collects most of the current coverage by others on Jessica being asexual. She really does speak to so many people about why it's reasonable to want to look great without being sexualized or eroticized. Tell me I look great and let's eat some cake 🙂🎂
Your gender and your identity are a product of your ENTIRE central nervous system. Listen to your body. Your body knows what it needs. You are not wrong or pathological to need surgery to feel whole.
Your body knows. Help it find wholeness.
And if you find yourself with an addiction to surgery like my wife is addicted to tattoos, that's okay too and has nothing to do with being or not being trans lol.
10/10 comment, no notes!
Super stoked to not be doing any more surgeries after this one, though, bittersweet as it is. The cycle of surgery and recovery is haaaaaard.
I hope this brings you many years of peace and serenity with your body. If it's any comfort, these are the obstacles all of us face as women. Having a trans medical background just means you have faced unusual obstacles. Take out the trans part and no one would know the difference between a cis vs trans woman needing the same gender affirming care. To me, the obstacles you are facing prove you are and have always been the woman you know yourself to be <3
What's up Doc (sorry I could not resist), it's like you explained everything that I feel about this, all in one well written article. I have such a hard time trying to put how I feel about this into words, you covered it very, very well. I have this image of myself that hormones alone can't seem to fulfill for me, and as I go further into my transition, it gets harder to ignore. My wife and I are in a battle of wills over this subject, she is dead set against my having surgery, I am finding it painful to not have it. I have a consult with a surgeon scheduled in July, so things will be coming to a head soon.
BTW, for anyone who may ask, this is all about how I feel about my own body. I am not trying to attract men (or women for that matter), this is all for me and feeling good about myself. When someone dresses up nice and says " I did this for myself, nobody else" they are being truthful, I now get it!
Well, it's your body, so your wife doesn't get a say, period. Like, it's kind of you to consider her input, but if you don't own and have an absolute right to control your body, you don't have *anything*.
And believe it or not, you're the first person to do what's up doc!
Yes, you are correct, but we all have compromises to make where relationships are concerned. Unfortunately, we may be reaching the place where compromise is no longer possible.
Time will tell.
BTW, you know that I have to watch Roger Rabbit now! I have it in my watch list for the next opportunity to see it. My wife is going to think I am nuts, well maybe more nuts.
It's a legitimately great movie!
It is, when my kids wanted to watch a video, I often went for that one first.
Hell yeah let them howl. They can't understand what it is to be trans, to embrace all that means and all you need to fit into your own body the way your brain says you should. I hope these implants give you everything you need!
Jessica Rabbit. Icon, absolutely! Drawn to be sexualised, overlooked, underestimated. Even her voice, soft and breathy, is there to be ignored and spoken over.
This reminds me of an Audre Lorde essay, "Uses of the erotic : the erotic as power," particularly this passage:
"We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings. But, once recognized, those which do not enhance our future lose their power and can be altered. The fear of our desires keeps them suspect and indiscriminately powerful, for to suppress any truth is to give it strength beyond endurance. The fear that we cannot grow beyond whatever distortions we may find within ourselves keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, externally defined, and leads us to accept many facets of our oppression as women."
If you haven't read it before, it's worth checking out. I found it very resonate with my transness and how many years I feared the yes in myself. I'm glad you've come to embrace yours.
Ohhh yes. Audre Lourde is... It's hard to describe how highly I think of her work, but I generally try to keep things to one Complex Thing per article, for accessibility, which is why she doesn't appear here.
... I mean, also I'm such a bell hooks fangirl that I just always think of her first. 😅
Thank you for sharing this. I've had a similar metaphor in my head about bottomless holes below me, but it's a Great Blue Hole and I'm 100ft under water already—and holding my breath—while I struggle to not sink further.
I'm still back at the starting line of my own hatching and have similar desires for—and fears about—significant breast size. I work in engineering with predominantly cis/het/white males, and can definitely see that having similar impacts on my credibility and acceptance in the workplace.
I've been experimenting with proportions and sizes using silicone forms to see what looks and—more importantly—feels right for my body. I had two thoughts the first time I put on a pair: "Yes!", followed immediately by "BIGGER!".☺️ I'm up to 1200g (ea, not sure what volume) forms that nicely fill a 44DD cup. There are a few more sizes above those but they're cost prohibitive for experimenting.
Thank you for showing us what's possible.
Yeah, that feeling of vertigo when you realize that there's things you need that are just... *more* than is typical. And that's okay. It took me a long, long time to be okay with things. To be honest, I wasn't until *after* my second surgery.
Couple of notes:
1. 1200g=1200cc. Metric is nice like that
2. I'd be shocked if 1200cc's was a DD. 1000ccs was a 38H for me. *MAYBE* is 1200ccs was both sizers combined, but consider trying a larger cup size.
3. If you want to approximate larger implants on a budget, try making rice sizers! https://www.drpancholi.com/blog/make-accurate-breast-implant-sizers-home/
Interesting suggestion on the rice! I'm wearing my forms as often as possible to see how they feel in daily life, not sure I want a bag of rice coming undone while I'm asleep. 😄
The density of the gel is probably close enough to water for that conversion, I just haven't done a displacement test yet. Seems like a reasonable starting point for a conversation with the surgeon.
Also, don't forget about sister sizes: 38H is a 44E. These are flat backed and probably big enough to fill a 44DDD—I have to go up one set of hooks to be able to breathe. And implants also have tissue between them and the bra, so that adds a few letter sizes. 😊
Sister sizing is only good for one band-size increment differences, really. Check out /r/abrathatfits sometime--something like 60% of all US women are wearing a bra too small for them, and that's responsible for most boob-related back pain.
1. This is great and I relate to 160% of it. I hope the surgery's wondrous and trouble free. Developing breasts that felt real was So Important to me and I remember just being SQUEE when I and my partners realized they had finally come in.
2. IDK about your university but you know what changed about my own tenured academic job (in the humanities) after I came out as a trans girl? My de facto job description included "be visibly trans on committees and in front of students so that we can show that we're a trans-inclusive university and there are trans profs on these committees." I don't mind. Sometimes I like it. (Extrovert here, I guess: YMMV. But get ready for that?)
I didn't go for top surgery, mainly because I was satisfied enough with how everything developed. But I did go in for FFS and VFS because the dysphoria attached to those areas was strong enough to demand it...I didn't know how essential the VFS would really be until I had it and then 99% of the telephone misgendering ended. I didn't know how essential the FFS would be until I looked in the mirror, saw myself as I am and not as who I was. My surgeon boasts about "life changing" surgeries and he is not wrong to do so.