Another wonderful article and so thorough. This helped me identify that the exclusionary variables are the only thing holding me back. I have been looking for a local therapist and think I may have finally located one. I really want the first visit in person. I do not know where it will lead, but I know I need it. Thanks for doing what you do. It really is a big help!
I finally saw my therapist last Friday. It was mainly intake stuff, but we did cover a little bit of the dysphoria. I see her again on Tuesday and I really do seem to click with her. Thanks for the encouragement.
Excellent work here…reminds me of the Cogiati test which had a number of multiple choice questions regarding spacial awareness, social preferences, and other assorted topics which had stereotypically male or female responses. If you answered the questions just the right way, the test would confirm that you were likely Trans, the truth being that simply going through the effort of answering the questions just the right way confirmed that you were likely Trans. But it was lovely to have the scorebot tell us as much just the same. Confirmation Kernels are a healthy part of a growing Trans diet, you know.
Thank you for writing such an extensive article! ❤️ Although I’ve considered myself trans for almost five years now, the results of the scenarios actually aided me in giving me more confidence in the transition I’m pursuing. I’ll definitely share this one with people who are questioning their gender and who want some help getting a clearer picture on this.
I've been questioning for a few months now, and reading this, i think my egg finally hatched. It had shown a few cracks, but now I'm very sure I'm trans. Thank you for making this, and I gotta go thank a redditor for indirectly getting me to go here
Only you can know what your feelings mean. Sounds like your CNS is on high alert, and is trying to get you to pay attention. Given which article this is, I have my suspicions as to why that might be.
If I may make a suggestion, the Part One: A Webcomic article, and maybe Beneath the Surface (I'm guessing here, but in my experience it's a pretty safe guess) might give you a lot to think about.
To quote Beneath the Surface, you already know the answer to your original question, don't you? It's just scary, something you never thought might apply to you.
And that's okay. This is your life. You can do, or not do, anything you want.
May 28, 2023·edited May 28, 2023Liked by Doc Impossible
one thing I found quite interesting is that I was pretty terrified of the idea of being transported into a parallel universe where I'm practically a cis woman and kind of wanted to press that button pretty quickly, at least as an initial reaction, but then my heart sank when you said that this likely indicates I'm a cis man. Strengthens my belief that I'm likely genderfluid
If you're ever disappointed at someone saying you're cis, you're almost certainly not cis--that's why there was the pre-answers special button to push. 😉
I found your article last night after a lot of searching and questioning my gender identity and whether I’m trans, gender fluid or just not sure. I remember when I was young at my grandparents watching a ballerina and her partner and thinking, I want to be that ballerina. I cross dressed for well over a decade starting in my teens, but always kept it closeted, because I thought it was purely a sexual thing, because of the fear of societal acceptance and also because I probably didn’t even know back then what being transgender even was.
Fast forward to yesterday. Even before taking the test scenarios, as soon as I read the definition of cisgender and transgender, I kinda blurted out “I’m definitely not cisgender”. I think this may have been my egg finally cracked! I took a few minutes in my thoughts, not able to contain the smile on my face or what I think was the happiness, the euphoria that I was feeling.
I took the test. I came out as a very likely binary trans person. Even before checking the results I hit the “I hope I’m trans” button.
Thank you for helping me to realise what has been there all along but which I don’t think I’ve ever discovered so clearly as through your article. It’s all the emotions at once and I’m looking forward to what comes next!
This is really good. My daughter recently came out to me and this gives me a much better way of thinking about gender identity - for her and everyone else.
I came into this still feeling pretty unsure but....
That 1st question hit me like a truck....I was smiling throughout the scenario and when the button was presented my first instinct was to my surprise "No! I was happy" and pushed it away from me. I was repulsed by the button. In fact I was shocked by my answer. "wait what? I was happy???"
The 2nd question I kept to the 1st option for a female body happily and didn't like the 2nd and 3rd option. I didn't really have much answer to the why except that I just preferred it more and I don't think felt any lust or envy either. Though I don't dislike my current genitalia and body, I would however prefer it to be female if my body was female.
3rd question: pretty easy this one, I would have had alot of regrets not discovering why I had those questions. If I had tried to understand them, maybe at least I would have understood more about myself.
Note: Not sure how relevant this is....but in all 3 scenarios I kinda switch between 3rd person(more instances) and 1st person POV. Sometimes I was viewing myself in that scenario and sometimes I'm in the 1st person view. I'm not really sure if this is relevant in anyway but I thought to put it here.
I have to say thanks for making this, honestly I'm still reeling from that 1st question, nvr expected I would react this strongly.
Also, if I’m afab, and identify primarily and mostly as a woman, but like 99% instead of 100%, does that make me trans? Am I a trans woman then? I swear I am asking this in good faith, I just seriously don’t get it. I’m so confused because I don’t want to transition socially or medically, and I desperately want to be cis, but I just also don’t feel like I can call myself fully, totally, 100% a woman with total confidence. I feel like I’m too nonconforming to count.
It's perfectly all right! All of this stuff is really confusing when you're moving from a model where you're this or that, exclusively, to one where there's an explosion of gradisted options.
In general, being cis means there's a 1:1, 100% match between your gender and AGAB. If you're AFAB and feel that even 1% of your gender is non-woman, then you're under that umbrella if you choose to claim the identity. Like any other identity, it's only yours if you choose to make it yours.
Now, "trans woman" is a term that generally means "an AMAB person with a binary trans identity that is woman." If you call yourself a trans woman, you're gonna get people assuming things that are *really* not what you mean. What you might try instead is just "a nonbinary woman." You're a woman, yes, but also something else, if that makes sense, with that label. "Transmasculine" is another option, especially if that 1% is kinda in the boy zone of the gender spectrum.
I'd invite you to think hard about why you want to be cis, though. Very very often it's because someone wants to avoid some hard part of the trans experience, and that doesn't really work--it's a form of repression, and that always falls apart sooner or later. If you want to be cis because that feels truest to your heart, that's another matter entirely--and a very good reason to say you are.
Honestly it’s not so much that *I* feel like my gender is 1% something else. I feel like the world doesn’t accept me as “cis enough.” I’m struggling primarily because I grew up in a sex-negative puritanical conservative Christian environment where it was assumed that if you had any organic sexual desires whatsoever or ever engaged in self pleasure, you simply *were* a a boy; it was simply inconceivable that anyone could be a girl and experience those things. I genuinely thought that all women were completely sexless. (Ironically I might actually be on the asexuality spectrum, although that too I’m struggling to discern how much is just leftover shame/repression.) I’m still struggling to accept that I can be a sexual person and qualify as a (ironic air-quote) “real” woman. Previously I tried accepting that I could never be a real woman and identified as transmasc for about a decade until finally confronting this purity culture stuff in therapy made me question why I was still defining myself based on those standards. I feel like my identity as a woman was robbed from me by gender essentialism. I mostly don’t blame the trans community—it was the only safe space I could find, and I am thankful for it. But I’m struggling not to regret all the time I spent there still living under these assumptions from adolescence.
Oof, that's tough stuff. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
My stance is simple: you're the emperox of your identity. Literally whatever you say goes, and if that means finding that you're a cis woman after trying out masculinity for years, *that's fucking wonderful*. Like, seriously, how many cis people really take the time and care to dive deep into gender and explore its limits? No matter where you land, you're gonna have a deeper and richer appreciation of your gender, whatever it is, than 99.99% of all cis folks out there.
I see no universe where that isn't worthy of celebration.
In question 2 answers, you mentioned a mix of features associated with a different agab except for the genitals you already have. I’m wondering about the opposite: I want everything about me to be the same as my agab, EXCEPT I want different genitals. I also would press the button after a short/long time bc ultimately the degree of other changes wouldn’t be worth it, even if it would make downstairs better. Is there any support for this kind of thing?
There is! Though the terminology is pretty fuzzy, because people like you describe yourself as have historically fractured along some other intersecting identity lines. So--apologies for what's going to sound like a bit of a chaos of terms here; they're meant to illustrate the diversity of experience and approach to your desires.
First, butch lesbians have been using testosterone, and especially topical testosterone, to cause clitoral growth into the so-called "T-dick," which can sometimes grow large enough for penetrative sex. There's even a subreddit for it--/r/growyourclit, IIRC. These people don't consider themselves trans, but that part of themselves is often very important to them.
Then there are enbies and trans men for whom femininity is a thing they love. Some get bottom surgery, and some don't. Their desire or non-desire for bottom surgery/growth has nothing to do with their gender, which is an important thing to remember when we're talking about gender.
Finally, there are a few plain ol' cis women who want a penis. Some work to grow their clits, taking inspiration from butch lesbians. Some seek out and get bottom surgery. And the thing is? **It's fine to identify as a cis woman and need a penis**. For goodness sake, if trans women can love their penises--and a significant proportion of the community at large do!--then it logically follows that the same can be true of cis women.
Ultimately, only you can say what your gender is. If you want to be a woman with a penis, we'll, you just... can be. That's allowed.
I will, but it still feels weird to refer to myself as woman. Because I didn't do something for it yet. I know that isn't how it works, but yeah. I guess my therapist will have something smart to say about it.
I know its so sappy but when I went to the 'I hope I'm trans' button and saw the message I made the biggest smile I've made for a long time, and it comes back every time I look back at it.
I've saved both a photo of myself and of the screen to look back on and remember this moment. Thank you so much for doing what you do, this has made me feel amazing and really affirmed me. And thank you for commenting on someones reddit post that led me straight here!
This was extremely helpful, thank you so much! Especially as a person coming from science, the way you approached the problem gave me a good bunch of confidence to devote myself to the process. Well, I still have to figure out what I'm going to do with what I've got now, but that's another story.
Just a quick remark on scenario 2: If you follow through it as described (that is, as I interpreted it, there will only be one fairy, but one should go through the scenario for 3 different bodies), I think anyone picking the female body (in the AMAB case) would also pick the androgynous body, because it is still better than the current one. In that way, the interpretation gets messed up. Probably I just read it in the wrong way and it should be 3 fairies appearing in the given order. Anyway, since this could cause confusion for others, maybe this can be phrased in an unambiguous way. :)
No, you did not read it in a wrong way, and that's an interesting result that you should pay attention to! For someone strongly binary, a body which is not might be the worst possible outcome, a jarring jumble to them. Comfort with the idea of a nonbinary body could be important information for you!
Another wonderful article and so thorough. This helped me identify that the exclusionary variables are the only thing holding me back. I have been looking for a local therapist and think I may have finally located one. I really want the first visit in person. I do not know where it will lead, but I know I need it. Thanks for doing what you do. It really is a big help!
I'm so glad! Good luck with your therapist, and if you don't click with them, don't be afraid to keep shopping for one that does!
I finally saw my therapist last Friday. It was mainly intake stuff, but we did cover a little bit of the dysphoria. I see her again on Tuesday and I really do seem to click with her. Thanks for the encouragement.
Unfortunately, they seem to be in very short supply in this area. Hopefully, it will work out. Thanks again.
Excellent work here…reminds me of the Cogiati test which had a number of multiple choice questions regarding spacial awareness, social preferences, and other assorted topics which had stereotypically male or female responses. If you answered the questions just the right way, the test would confirm that you were likely Trans, the truth being that simply going through the effort of answering the questions just the right way confirmed that you were likely Trans. But it was lovely to have the scorebot tell us as much just the same. Confirmation Kernels are a healthy part of a growing Trans diet, you know.
Thank you for writing such an extensive article! ❤️ Although I’ve considered myself trans for almost five years now, the results of the scenarios actually aided me in giving me more confidence in the transition I’m pursuing. I’ll definitely share this one with people who are questioning their gender and who want some help getting a clearer picture on this.
Made crystal clear what I knew already!
I'm glad!
I've been questioning for a few months now, and reading this, i think my egg finally hatched. It had shown a few cracks, but now I'm very sure I'm trans. Thank you for making this, and I gotta go thank a redditor for indirectly getting me to go here
I'm really glad, Avery! Congratulations!
My head is spinning. Heart is pounding. Hands cold and a bit aroused at the same time. WTF?
Only you can know what your feelings mean. Sounds like your CNS is on high alert, and is trying to get you to pay attention. Given which article this is, I have my suspicions as to why that might be.
If I may make a suggestion, the Part One: A Webcomic article, and maybe Beneath the Surface (I'm guessing here, but in my experience it's a pretty safe guess) might give you a lot to think about.
What makes you think I haven't already? Grrrr. How dare you. But I will again as if I don't have a lot to think about already. ; )~
I didn't want to presume. 🤭
To quote Beneath the Surface, you already know the answer to your original question, don't you? It's just scary, something you never thought might apply to you.
And that's okay. This is your life. You can do, or not do, anything you want.
one thing I found quite interesting is that I was pretty terrified of the idea of being transported into a parallel universe where I'm practically a cis woman and kind of wanted to press that button pretty quickly, at least as an initial reaction, but then my heart sank when you said that this likely indicates I'm a cis man. Strengthens my belief that I'm likely genderfluid
If you're ever disappointed at someone saying you're cis, you're almost certainly not cis--that's why there was the pre-answers special button to push. 😉
I found your article last night after a lot of searching and questioning my gender identity and whether I’m trans, gender fluid or just not sure. I remember when I was young at my grandparents watching a ballerina and her partner and thinking, I want to be that ballerina. I cross dressed for well over a decade starting in my teens, but always kept it closeted, because I thought it was purely a sexual thing, because of the fear of societal acceptance and also because I probably didn’t even know back then what being transgender even was.
Fast forward to yesterday. Even before taking the test scenarios, as soon as I read the definition of cisgender and transgender, I kinda blurted out “I’m definitely not cisgender”. I think this may have been my egg finally cracked! I took a few minutes in my thoughts, not able to contain the smile on my face or what I think was the happiness, the euphoria that I was feeling.
I took the test. I came out as a very likely binary trans person. Even before checking the results I hit the “I hope I’m trans” button.
Thank you for helping me to realise what has been there all along but which I don’t think I’ve ever discovered so clearly as through your article. It’s all the emotions at once and I’m looking forward to what comes next!
Congratulations, Sophie! That's so wonderful to hear!!
this was really helpful thank you..... just thinking about the third scenario made me cry
I'm very glad, and congratulations. 💜
This is really good. My daughter recently came out to me and this gives me a much better way of thinking about gender identity - for her and everyone else.
I'm really glad that it could help you understand her perspective better!
I came into this still feeling pretty unsure but....
That 1st question hit me like a truck....I was smiling throughout the scenario and when the button was presented my first instinct was to my surprise "No! I was happy" and pushed it away from me. I was repulsed by the button. In fact I was shocked by my answer. "wait what? I was happy???"
The 2nd question I kept to the 1st option for a female body happily and didn't like the 2nd and 3rd option. I didn't really have much answer to the why except that I just preferred it more and I don't think felt any lust or envy either. Though I don't dislike my current genitalia and body, I would however prefer it to be female if my body was female.
3rd question: pretty easy this one, I would have had alot of regrets not discovering why I had those questions. If I had tried to understand them, maybe at least I would have understood more about myself.
Note: Not sure how relevant this is....but in all 3 scenarios I kinda switch between 3rd person(more instances) and 1st person POV. Sometimes I was viewing myself in that scenario and sometimes I'm in the 1st person view. I'm not really sure if this is relevant in anyway but I thought to put it here.
I have to say thanks for making this, honestly I'm still reeling from that 1st question, nvr expected I would react this strongly.
Congratulations on your findings!
Thank you so much, Doc!
Glad I could help!
Also, if I’m afab, and identify primarily and mostly as a woman, but like 99% instead of 100%, does that make me trans? Am I a trans woman then? I swear I am asking this in good faith, I just seriously don’t get it. I’m so confused because I don’t want to transition socially or medically, and I desperately want to be cis, but I just also don’t feel like I can call myself fully, totally, 100% a woman with total confidence. I feel like I’m too nonconforming to count.
It's perfectly all right! All of this stuff is really confusing when you're moving from a model where you're this or that, exclusively, to one where there's an explosion of gradisted options.
In general, being cis means there's a 1:1, 100% match between your gender and AGAB. If you're AFAB and feel that even 1% of your gender is non-woman, then you're under that umbrella if you choose to claim the identity. Like any other identity, it's only yours if you choose to make it yours.
Now, "trans woman" is a term that generally means "an AMAB person with a binary trans identity that is woman." If you call yourself a trans woman, you're gonna get people assuming things that are *really* not what you mean. What you might try instead is just "a nonbinary woman." You're a woman, yes, but also something else, if that makes sense, with that label. "Transmasculine" is another option, especially if that 1% is kinda in the boy zone of the gender spectrum.
I'd invite you to think hard about why you want to be cis, though. Very very often it's because someone wants to avoid some hard part of the trans experience, and that doesn't really work--it's a form of repression, and that always falls apart sooner or later. If you want to be cis because that feels truest to your heart, that's another matter entirely--and a very good reason to say you are.
Honestly it’s not so much that *I* feel like my gender is 1% something else. I feel like the world doesn’t accept me as “cis enough.” I’m struggling primarily because I grew up in a sex-negative puritanical conservative Christian environment where it was assumed that if you had any organic sexual desires whatsoever or ever engaged in self pleasure, you simply *were* a a boy; it was simply inconceivable that anyone could be a girl and experience those things. I genuinely thought that all women were completely sexless. (Ironically I might actually be on the asexuality spectrum, although that too I’m struggling to discern how much is just leftover shame/repression.) I’m still struggling to accept that I can be a sexual person and qualify as a (ironic air-quote) “real” woman. Previously I tried accepting that I could never be a real woman and identified as transmasc for about a decade until finally confronting this purity culture stuff in therapy made me question why I was still defining myself based on those standards. I feel like my identity as a woman was robbed from me by gender essentialism. I mostly don’t blame the trans community—it was the only safe space I could find, and I am thankful for it. But I’m struggling not to regret all the time I spent there still living under these assumptions from adolescence.
Oof, that's tough stuff. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
My stance is simple: you're the emperox of your identity. Literally whatever you say goes, and if that means finding that you're a cis woman after trying out masculinity for years, *that's fucking wonderful*. Like, seriously, how many cis people really take the time and care to dive deep into gender and explore its limits? No matter where you land, you're gonna have a deeper and richer appreciation of your gender, whatever it is, than 99.99% of all cis folks out there.
I see no universe where that isn't worthy of celebration.
In question 2 answers, you mentioned a mix of features associated with a different agab except for the genitals you already have. I’m wondering about the opposite: I want everything about me to be the same as my agab, EXCEPT I want different genitals. I also would press the button after a short/long time bc ultimately the degree of other changes wouldn’t be worth it, even if it would make downstairs better. Is there any support for this kind of thing?
There is! Though the terminology is pretty fuzzy, because people like you describe yourself as have historically fractured along some other intersecting identity lines. So--apologies for what's going to sound like a bit of a chaos of terms here; they're meant to illustrate the diversity of experience and approach to your desires.
First, butch lesbians have been using testosterone, and especially topical testosterone, to cause clitoral growth into the so-called "T-dick," which can sometimes grow large enough for penetrative sex. There's even a subreddit for it--/r/growyourclit, IIRC. These people don't consider themselves trans, but that part of themselves is often very important to them.
Then there are enbies and trans men for whom femininity is a thing they love. Some get bottom surgery, and some don't. Their desire or non-desire for bottom surgery/growth has nothing to do with their gender, which is an important thing to remember when we're talking about gender.
Finally, there are a few plain ol' cis women who want a penis. Some work to grow their clits, taking inspiration from butch lesbians. Some seek out and get bottom surgery. And the thing is? **It's fine to identify as a cis woman and need a penis**. For goodness sake, if trans women can love their penises--and a significant proportion of the community at large do!--then it logically follows that the same can be true of cis women.
Ultimately, only you can say what your gender is. If you want to be a woman with a penis, we'll, you just... can be. That's allowed.
Is there a word for wanting to stay the same gender but remove all genitals? I just wish I was like Barbie down there.
Sure! It's called nullification.
After reading this article, I feel like a dummy. But at least this dummy, has a better plan on writing his (?) term paper for university
Love that question mark for you there, hun. Let me know when you're ready to set it aside. 😉
I will, but it still feels weird to refer to myself as woman. Because I didn't do something for it yet. I know that isn't how it works, but yeah. I guess my therapist will have something smart to say about it.
Womanhood is a state of being, gurl. There is nothing you'd ever have to do to warn it.
You just are if you say you are. 💜
I know its so sappy but when I went to the 'I hope I'm trans' button and saw the message I made the biggest smile I've made for a long time, and it comes back every time I look back at it.
I've saved both a photo of myself and of the screen to look back on and remember this moment. Thank you so much for doing what you do, this has made me feel amazing and really affirmed me. And thank you for commenting on someones reddit post that led me straight here!
Congratulations, hun!
This was extremely helpful, thank you so much! Especially as a person coming from science, the way you approached the problem gave me a good bunch of confidence to devote myself to the process. Well, I still have to figure out what I'm going to do with what I've got now, but that's another story.
Just a quick remark on scenario 2: If you follow through it as described (that is, as I interpreted it, there will only be one fairy, but one should go through the scenario for 3 different bodies), I think anyone picking the female body (in the AMAB case) would also pick the androgynous body, because it is still better than the current one. In that way, the interpretation gets messed up. Probably I just read it in the wrong way and it should be 3 fairies appearing in the given order. Anyway, since this could cause confusion for others, maybe this can be phrased in an unambiguous way. :)
No, you did not read it in a wrong way, and that's an interesting result that you should pay attention to! For someone strongly binary, a body which is not might be the worst possible outcome, a jarring jumble to them. Comfort with the idea of a nonbinary body could be important information for you!
Ah, yeah, indeed something I will think about! :) Thanks again and continue the great work!