Feb 19, 2023·edited Feb 19, 2023Liked by Doc Impossible
I finally got to read this post and signed up to Substack so I can write this comment. I came across this post in Mastodon on Friday and as I've generally been very interested in this topic lately (I'm 45, btw), I started reading. After the first two paragraphs I decided to follow the link to Part One: Webcomic. Surely didn't know what was about to happen.
Webcomic post was interesting and therefore I started reading from the beginning of your blog. Went to the Amanda Roman article. Started feeling something strange in my stomach, where I always have physical symptoms when I'm nervous. About this time I got home (was reading these on the bus) and as my wife was home, I pushed the thoughts away. Or at least that's what I tried. The anxiety was still somewhere under the surface.
Yesterday morning I tried not to think about this but felt it in my stomach. When my wife went to work, I bursted into tears. "What the f*** is going on?" I asked myself. I had no choice but to go online and google "How do you know if you're trans?" Some things seemed to fit, others not at all. After I googled "How do you know if you're non-binary?" things started to click.
I think I'm non-binary. The term genderqueer resonates with me. I remember so many times when I've felt like I wasn't the right kind of boy. How I've wished I wouldn't be this emotional. I've had a wonderful therapist with whom we've discussed the gender roles, among other things. Now it all clicked. I've always felt that I don't fit in the box a male should fit. Well, that's because there's a part in me that is male but that's not all there is. I'm more than male.
I kept reading, both your blog posts and other websites, understood more. I knew I had to tell my wife. I was terrified. When she came home in the evening, I asked her to sit down with me. It wasn't easy but I went almost straight to it. I told her that I think I'm non-binary. I explained that I don't feel that there's anything wrong with my body (as that's how I really feel) but that this realization still means a lot to me. I also added that I was afraid of her reaction. She replied with "This doesn't affect how I see you at all." (I'm crying as I'm writing this.) As I told about my feeling that there's a male in me but I'm more than male, she replied with "I knew that." I can't believe this! I love her so much!
During the last half a year, maybe a bit longer, I've felt better than ever. My therapist can surely take some credit for that. We just bought a house with my wife. I'm at a transitional place and feel maybe safer than ever. You mentioned in your post the transitional phases being when people realize they're trans. Yup.
This weekend's been a wild ride and there's still lots to process. I've read about the topic a lot yesterday and today. I'm a big bundle of all kinds of feelings, I've cried a lot. At the same time, I feel like nothing has changed. Now I just understand something more about myself. Many things from my past now make sense! Next, I'll go polish my fingernails. It's something I had a courage to start last year, thanks to my therapist. Now it feels so obvious tell-tale.
I want to thank you for your posts! Without them I wouldn't have realized what I realized yesterday. Sure, it would've most likely happened later but better now. Thank you so much!
Is there any chance you can provide the details on the works you cited in the paper, so folks can track them down? I'm particularly interested in some of the works on understanding comic narratives and rhetoric.
I read this earlier today and have not been able to stop thinking about the disharmony this struck in me. The jarring chords between "yes this is totally relatable" and "oh no this is dysphoric and cringey as hell." I think this is a good article and good comic choices to echo the basic Trans Story that everyone likes to simplify it to - the "I've always been dysphoric and didn't listen, and all the things in my assigned gender were dysphoric and the things "opposite" were euphoric." And that's great, that's a lot of people's experiences. But this article wastes a thousand words explaining how comics work and are useful, instead of delving into the hard stuff beyond the stage 1 realization - or the fact that it all exists. Example, the panel where smooth shaven legs = euphoria bc it is feminine. As someone nonbinary and AFAB, that made me want to gag. Shaving and body hair and the shame and embarrassment and fear and literal danger it put me in to not abide by the idea that my feminity had to equal hairless, and its summed up as a major milestone towards womanhood. In the "aha" moment where to someone who does it for the first time, of course it's a significant shift of course it's affirming bc it's what society told them women were. But the nasty picture behind that is the internalized misogyny, the "why does this equal feminine so deeply in my mind? Does it always need to? What actually makes me feel feminine and GOOD in my skin" all that hard, CRUCIAL work past the first babystep. Maybe the comic goes into it, but this article definitely doesn't. Instead it dives further into the gender binary, with both authors realizing that breast size was inherently tied to gender in their minds - without any emphasis on the internal questioning of that or the "larger breasts to feel more feminine" and vice versa - and without emphasis of that in this article literally examining the trans journey. It's not that it's not good and helpful in a lot of ways, and these are a lot of people's baby step experiences or things summed up into easy binary packages. But if an article was going to take thousands of words to talk about them and cherry pick examples and frames, doing so without critical analysis of those choices and what is left out of the picture by doing so, or mention of nonbinary realities beyond some definitions at the beginning, would've been a lot more helpful to a lot more people than the way this was presented.
This is exactly what I think a lot of educators need to read. We’re out there. We’re teachers too. And in some states, it isn’t safe for us to come out. My students call me Mrs. Lastname.
(Minor error: you have pages 2 and 3 of the Real Life Comics story backwards.)
Once again, you strike so many chords in me. Wonderfully broken down to help me further understand myself. I can see and understand where and why I am stuck. Thanks for another excellent post.
The funny thing is I found all these comics soon AFTER my egg cracked. Which helped a lot with accepting that what I was going through was not unusual.
My first attempt to transition in my 20's was marred by a therapist who made it clear that he wasn't in this business to "create any damn lesbians" and that my goal was to turn me into a fully functioning heterosexual woman (some assembly required). I managed to convince him I was asexual, but the unrelenting demand to conform to his idea of what a woman should be (complete with points given or taken away by how feminine IN HIS VIEW I was presenting at each session.
I hadn't really thought of this as a contributing factor to my cPTSD, but in retrospect, yeah, this behavior did a lot towards causing my rapid detransition, followed by a trauma response as I tried to keep who I was protected and safe behind a mask I was never good at wearing.
30 something years later, and finding I could no longer lie to myself about who I really was, I started looking for a therapist fully expecting to have to jump through all those hoops again. And was absolutely astounded and amazed by how much had changed and how much more agency we had now as supposed to then. It did a lot towards crystalizing my decision.
In a sense, I don't see myself as making a second attempt to transition, I see it as picking uo where I left off, only now I'm also making up for lost time. Only now, instead of trying to be someone else's idea of who I should be, I'm being my idea of who I should be.
This is so true. I guess I never realized how much easier it is to relate to the visual + emotional combination that these transgender materials provide. I did find myself crying reading the self acceptance portions of these examples. It is an absolute comfort to see such common experiences.
I finally got to read this post and signed up to Substack so I can write this comment. I came across this post in Mastodon on Friday and as I've generally been very interested in this topic lately (I'm 45, btw), I started reading. After the first two paragraphs I decided to follow the link to Part One: Webcomic. Surely didn't know what was about to happen.
Webcomic post was interesting and therefore I started reading from the beginning of your blog. Went to the Amanda Roman article. Started feeling something strange in my stomach, where I always have physical symptoms when I'm nervous. About this time I got home (was reading these on the bus) and as my wife was home, I pushed the thoughts away. Or at least that's what I tried. The anxiety was still somewhere under the surface.
Yesterday morning I tried not to think about this but felt it in my stomach. When my wife went to work, I bursted into tears. "What the f*** is going on?" I asked myself. I had no choice but to go online and google "How do you know if you're trans?" Some things seemed to fit, others not at all. After I googled "How do you know if you're non-binary?" things started to click.
I think I'm non-binary. The term genderqueer resonates with me. I remember so many times when I've felt like I wasn't the right kind of boy. How I've wished I wouldn't be this emotional. I've had a wonderful therapist with whom we've discussed the gender roles, among other things. Now it all clicked. I've always felt that I don't fit in the box a male should fit. Well, that's because there's a part in me that is male but that's not all there is. I'm more than male.
I kept reading, both your blog posts and other websites, understood more. I knew I had to tell my wife. I was terrified. When she came home in the evening, I asked her to sit down with me. It wasn't easy but I went almost straight to it. I told her that I think I'm non-binary. I explained that I don't feel that there's anything wrong with my body (as that's how I really feel) but that this realization still means a lot to me. I also added that I was afraid of her reaction. She replied with "This doesn't affect how I see you at all." (I'm crying as I'm writing this.) As I told about my feeling that there's a male in me but I'm more than male, she replied with "I knew that." I can't believe this! I love her so much!
During the last half a year, maybe a bit longer, I've felt better than ever. My therapist can surely take some credit for that. We just bought a house with my wife. I'm at a transitional place and feel maybe safer than ever. You mentioned in your post the transitional phases being when people realize they're trans. Yup.
This weekend's been a wild ride and there's still lots to process. I've read about the topic a lot yesterday and today. I'm a big bundle of all kinds of feelings, I've cried a lot. At the same time, I feel like nothing has changed. Now I just understand something more about myself. Many things from my past now make sense! Next, I'll go polish my fingernails. It's something I had a courage to start last year, thanks to my therapist. Now it feels so obvious tell-tale.
I want to thank you for your posts! Without them I wouldn't have realized what I realized yesterday. Sure, it would've most likely happened later but better now. Thank you so much!
I knew from the title I would love this! But also I knew I'd need a tissue lol ;) :)
Thanks for this!
Is there any chance you can provide the details on the works you cited in the paper, so folks can track them down? I'm particularly interested in some of the works on understanding comic narratives and rhetoric.
I read this earlier today and have not been able to stop thinking about the disharmony this struck in me. The jarring chords between "yes this is totally relatable" and "oh no this is dysphoric and cringey as hell." I think this is a good article and good comic choices to echo the basic Trans Story that everyone likes to simplify it to - the "I've always been dysphoric and didn't listen, and all the things in my assigned gender were dysphoric and the things "opposite" were euphoric." And that's great, that's a lot of people's experiences. But this article wastes a thousand words explaining how comics work and are useful, instead of delving into the hard stuff beyond the stage 1 realization - or the fact that it all exists. Example, the panel where smooth shaven legs = euphoria bc it is feminine. As someone nonbinary and AFAB, that made me want to gag. Shaving and body hair and the shame and embarrassment and fear and literal danger it put me in to not abide by the idea that my feminity had to equal hairless, and its summed up as a major milestone towards womanhood. In the "aha" moment where to someone who does it for the first time, of course it's a significant shift of course it's affirming bc it's what society told them women were. But the nasty picture behind that is the internalized misogyny, the "why does this equal feminine so deeply in my mind? Does it always need to? What actually makes me feel feminine and GOOD in my skin" all that hard, CRUCIAL work past the first babystep. Maybe the comic goes into it, but this article definitely doesn't. Instead it dives further into the gender binary, with both authors realizing that breast size was inherently tied to gender in their minds - without any emphasis on the internal questioning of that or the "larger breasts to feel more feminine" and vice versa - and without emphasis of that in this article literally examining the trans journey. It's not that it's not good and helpful in a lot of ways, and these are a lot of people's baby step experiences or things summed up into easy binary packages. But if an article was going to take thousands of words to talk about them and cherry pick examples and frames, doing so without critical analysis of those choices and what is left out of the picture by doing so, or mention of nonbinary realities beyond some definitions at the beginning, would've been a lot more helpful to a lot more people than the way this was presented.
This is exactly what I think a lot of educators need to read. We’re out there. We’re teachers too. And in some states, it isn’t safe for us to come out. My students call me Mrs. Lastname.
(Minor error: you have pages 2 and 3 of the Real Life Comics story backwards.)
Once again, you strike so many chords in me. Wonderfully broken down to help me further understand myself. I can see and understand where and why I am stuck. Thanks for another excellent post.
Brilliant and emotional as always. That was a great read!
The funny thing is I found all these comics soon AFTER my egg cracked. Which helped a lot with accepting that what I was going through was not unusual.
My first attempt to transition in my 20's was marred by a therapist who made it clear that he wasn't in this business to "create any damn lesbians" and that my goal was to turn me into a fully functioning heterosexual woman (some assembly required). I managed to convince him I was asexual, but the unrelenting demand to conform to his idea of what a woman should be (complete with points given or taken away by how feminine IN HIS VIEW I was presenting at each session.
I hadn't really thought of this as a contributing factor to my cPTSD, but in retrospect, yeah, this behavior did a lot towards causing my rapid detransition, followed by a trauma response as I tried to keep who I was protected and safe behind a mask I was never good at wearing.
30 something years later, and finding I could no longer lie to myself about who I really was, I started looking for a therapist fully expecting to have to jump through all those hoops again. And was absolutely astounded and amazed by how much had changed and how much more agency we had now as supposed to then. It did a lot towards crystalizing my decision.
In a sense, I don't see myself as making a second attempt to transition, I see it as picking uo where I left off, only now I'm also making up for lost time. Only now, instead of trying to be someone else's idea of who I should be, I'm being my idea of who I should be.
This is so true. I guess I never realized how much easier it is to relate to the visual + emotional combination that these transgender materials provide. I did find myself crying reading the self acceptance portions of these examples. It is an absolute comfort to see such common experiences.
Beautiful work as always 🙏💕 thanks Zoe for continuing to inspire