Sex while inhabiting the wrong gender is *weird*. At least it was for me.
I've always been uncomfortable with sex, but it took me a long time to unearth all the reasons why. Not uncomfortable enough to not have sex, mind you, but uncomfortable enough to often feel bad and always feel weird about it.
The first layer was pretty simple. I grew up in a moderately conservative family in a moderately conservative area, and I was a teenager in the 1980s, at the peak of the Ronald Reagan Family Values era. Sex of any kind outside marriage was sinful and shameful and bad. It didn't take long to understand that all of that was absolute nonsense, but understanding an idea and really internalizing it don't always proceed at the same pace.
The second layer came out of the same place - as bad as straight sex was, anything *gay* was so much worse. And my sexuality never fit the straight template, so *gay* was the only alternative I had the framework to understand. But that didn't fit either - It took all of five minutes to realize I was never really attracted to boys or men.
It turns out I am very, very gay - I am a (trans) woman exclusively attracted to women. But I was never gay in the sense I worried about as a male-presenting teenager.
The bottom layer (pun kind-of intended) was the hardest to dig through, and it's one I'm still working on. It turns out I just don't connect with male sexuality, at all, even when it's my own.
The physical and emotional differences in the experience of sex between masculine and feminine bodies are huge, and the feminine version just feels *right* in the same way the masculine version always felt *wrong*. Genitals are a big deal, obviously, but they're not the only thing that matters. Going on estrogen and eliminating testosterone also made a huge difference, and I never, ever want to go back.
Same. In fact, my impotence was probably the biggest indication of gender dysphoria I had, and that was on top of being utterly ashamed about being sexual at all for almost all my life.
I wrote this, and worked to be thoughtful with what I wrote, because it'd come up so, so, so often in private. I think kink is so heavily stigmatized, and that we'd all be a little better off if we could talk about, and understand, these things a little more openly.
It was a great read, opened my eyes. Your diary of admitting to yourself about being trans is what finally ‘cracked my egg’. I just always thought it was me being perverted and a fetishist. Back in the 70’s & 80’s there wasn’t a lot of discussion about it and I only found out that trans was a thing when I saw a film as a teenager and connected it to how I felt. It took another thirty years for me to stop repressing my true self. Any conversation that helps others be true to themselves is great in my eyes.
I love the article, it certainly clarifies many things concerning kinks and fetishes that I have honestly been too afraid to examine.
What really hits home for me, and I believe confirms many things you brought up, is the fact that my own fetishes and kinks have almost all disappeared since I started my own transition two years ago. At first I felt it was due to my greatly decreased libido due to HRT and later my orchiectomy, but I no longer feel that is the case. My sexuality has been undergoing a massive shift, and honestly I do not know where it may end up, but the journey should be interesting.
When I mentioned that my kinks have "almost all disappeared", a few remain or have changed. The most powerful one revolves around bimbofication. Up until a year ago, I never even knew it was a thing, but since having discovered it, I find it very compelling. After reading your article, I am starting to think that it may be related to my own desire to feminize my body much more than I initially considered doing when I started my transition. This is something that I need to look at further.
As I said, I love your articles and I always look forward to each new one. Take care and be safe.
I mean, the other possibility is that you enjoy it for the same reason cis women do--it lets you push back against patriarchal repression of the very sexuality you're saying is in a state of revolution! A HUGE portion of kink typical to women in the West taps that need, from exhibitionism to naughty outfits to ethical nonmonogamy.
Trans women are women, so it'd make plenty of sense.
I know that when I first started transitioning, I knew I wanted boobs, but figured just a bit would be enough, and had no thoughts of bottom surgery. Now, two years later, I've had bottom surgery and am getting a BA consult in two weeks. I realize I need my body to have a higher level of feminine expression that I thought before. And it's all for *me*. I have no concern about what others (with the exception of my wife) think about my body. *I* need to see a certain shape in order to be happy with who I am.
Oh Tonya, I am so with you on all of that. I also have a consult with a surgeon in 2 weeks for top surgery, I am literally counting the minutes.
After having my orchiectomy last November, I figured that would be enough for me. How wrong I was. This is a very recent revelation for me and I am sorting through all of the emotions associated with it.
This article came really at the right time for me. It relates a bit to my comment on the previous article regarding bottom surgery, it has made me reconsider certain things for my transition and what I might want to do. Although I am not happy that I have to wait so long to get help at least it allows me to be better informed. I have read many medical and psychology books on gender but your articles really get down to the gist of it. Thanks for all time you put into this, it really shows! ❤️
I’ve been chewing this over for a while. Like so many of us, letting go of the “It’s just a fetish” meme was a critical step in my egg cracking. What gives me pause is that all these years I nursed dysphoria along, framing it as a fetish, I’d entertain the notion every once in a while. “Okay, so let’s say the medallion of Zulo/magic button/body swap machine or whatever really exists. Would I want to use it?” And every single time I’d answer in all sincerity “No.”
So it’s very easy to keep up the narrative that you’re cis with that result coming out of the thought experiment, right. It all seems ludicrous now because the experience of actually transitioning has been so overwhelmingly wonderful. Once I began there was nothing in my life I wanted more, aside from my children’s health and happiness. There was more than just internalized kink shame going on for me; something else made me think I genuinely didn’t want all this even if I could transform in the most perfect way possible.
The best I can come up with is fear of the unknown (“But what if I don’t like being a girl???”) and that I didn’t believe transition that felt meaningful to me was possible. As soon as I began to understand that I could medically transition and wind up with a female body at my age, literally days later my egg cracked. I think about this a lot because I wonder how many people I interact with are that one critical step away from being able to see the “fetish” for what it really is. Or maybe this was just my particular way of setting up the denial machine.
I realize I’m wandering off the topic but talking about all this is both interesting and something that helps make all those years of mourning an identity I never thought I’d have more meaningful.
I've 'lived in that question' since I was in adolescence. Hell, I think I may at some level known it at age 6 when I secretly put on my sisters princess dress and heels and felt a rush of euphoria and lightness, until my mom walked in and shamed me. Here I am 40 years later with a well developed female persona on Secondlife complete with a vagina. Amanda Romans story felt so familiar when I first read it. I was stunned and yet not really. Transformation stories, erotica (projecting myself in to the woman's perspective) etc. I've been accused of and accused myself of 'sex addiction', online addiction etc. Had a friend ask me years ago: "what are you seeking in your distraction?" I've come to the realization that my online 'distractions', persona and feminine projection isn't as much checking out as it is perhaps 'checking in' yet its highly sexualized to distract me from the real life implications in my sense of identity. Maybe this 'sublimation' you speak of? (duh?) I say to my trans friend I'm not 'dysphoric' but then 'jokingly' say things like 'If I could just get a slight nose job and get rid of this adams apple I'd feel better about myself'. While I have no intentions on turning in my 'Man card' at this point there's obviously some internal reckoning that needs to take place so I can find a sense of peace with myself. I think I'll just stick with 'closeted non-binary' for the time being. :insert eyeroll here:
That certainly does sound like a major sublimation of identity. And... well, saying you're not dysphoria, after that laundry list of what I can only interpret *as* dysphoria is... something else. Have you read the Gender Dysphoria Bible (genderdysphoria.fyi) yet? I think you'd get a lot out of it if you did.
As for internal peace? That comes from self-acceptance. There really is no other way, Danni.
I guess: what would you five years from now thank you most for doing today? Maybe think about that for a while.
I do appreciate your thoughts. Thank you. I do believe Im coming accept it on many levels. Just not sure what to do with it at this point or if I have to do anything. "Managed Dysphoria" was my first pick. 80% of the first section looks a lot like my shadow. That in itself can suck the life out someone and their relationships. Damn.
That's kind of what I meant. If, from what you're saying, you're really only checked in on your life in Second Life and when you're getting to live as a woman online... Well, you can do the math for how much of your life you're checked out for much better than I can.
If you're trans, I'll tell you this: life in the closet is no life at all. I would rather *literally* die than go back to the way things were. What I thought was fine, tolerable, normal?
Torture. There's no other word for what it was like, in retrospect.
Good point about checking out. A good Tfriend of mine told me once it was literally change or die. She was serious. I'm certainly not there.. at least not that I'm aware of and I'm fairly self aware. Takes a bit bite of your food for thought. Hey, I'm new to this substack thing. Is there a messenger / one on one chat option?
I don't know I can put into words how seen this made me feel. I think I need to have a metaphorical sit down after reading this, maybe go cry in a corner for a while, idk. In any case, thank you so much for writing it. don't really know what else to say besides that...
You're absolutely right, but it feels so unreal, though. There are a lot of people I will hurt if I follow this path. Also imposter syndrome kicks in hard.
First of all: you won't hurt a soul. That's not how this works. If someone is hurt, it's because they're holding an idea of you more highly than the truth of you. That's *their* choice to make, not yours.
And as for imposter syndrome? Try out Red Seems Sus, another article here. If there is a universal trans experience, it's imposter syndrome.
It's unreal how easy it is for you to dispell my fears. I mean the idea of me vs true me is so eye-opening.
I'm not sure about the imposter syndrome, though. I've read the article (another banger), but perhaps I'm mixing things up. My biggest concern is: It's so easy for me to act male. Maybe it's not acting at all?
And I can't thank you enough for noticing me and taking your time to respond.
Right now, i am confused. Since i came out to my parents, having seen a sexologist twice and at the last meeting by video conference, my mother thinks that i won't be happy by being a woman because there's also other stuff. Also, she tells me that i rely too much on websites like gender dysphoria bible (that i did showed to her and that she read some parts of it but not all) and wants specialists to say that yes, i am trans.
For 8 years, i always had a weird thing by thinking about female skinsuit and halloween costumes at first. I have watched too much of it and i stopped looking at images like only in early august of 2024. I don't know what to think anymore.
And it's only with that website that i knew what was depersonnalization and derealization, stuff that i have experienced in my life (being almost 22), tried to end my life like early september because of too much stuff that i wouldn't say here because it is personal stuff. And i have gotten help to be able to talk. Feeling unsure
Sounds to me like your mother is not an expert, and would rather that you not be trans. The expectation that a trans person must have nothing else going on psychologically is nuts, because that'd bar ALL living human beings from transition--life is full contact. Everyone picks up bruises. It's interesting to note that she devalues trans peoples' own knowledge about our own lives, and instead says that only a cis person can diagnose--determine--someone's transness, don't you think?
She's the type of mother that is accepting of difference, having a round bodyshape and looking like she has some weight (she did tried to lose weight then when she found that only after that that mens would come to try to go with her, she went fuck off to thoses peoples and would seek someone that would love her not just by her look), but she plays some match 3 games and browsing Facebook (not anything alt right) and being like have you seen this ? (Like she told us that beware when looking for google images when typing stuff like winnie the pooh that would then have porn images at a certain point, i already knew that and she wanted to told it to me thinking that we don't know that). Plus she has a hard time trusting some websites since she says that it should come from within me the answers. Also we did go see a sexologist that was trans affirmative.
Mmmmm, that's accepting of the "differences" which apply *to her*. That's not accepting of differences *of others*. She might be, but there isn't evidence here of it yet.
It is true that your answers need to come from you. All these resources are just to give you the tools to ask questions, and help understand what your answers mean.
And the last bit is that most cis peoples' idea of what it means to be trans, and therefore what they're trying to find when someone they love says they're trans, is a loooong way away from the reality.
It might be because i was her first child (i have a brother that is 2 years younger than me), she had a lover before my father, never married the former and she left him, she tried to have children with him but she was unable to get one with the former. But she loved me so much, went to learn about what was asperger syndrome (been diagnosed at like 5 years, she knew i had something) and she said that i wouldn't end like what the psychiatrist said about autistic persons (that thing developped into ableism when i was in primary 3 by living in autistic classes for a long time where there was the kind of autists peoples who i wanted to just tell to shut up)
But about the fetish with female skinsuit, i think it's because i feel like i hide stuff that if i would do it as a man, it would be bad. Or something with my life feeling like it's not me and projecting myself in the image to feel true to me. At least it's good the parts about needing the answers from me and looking at stuff online helped finally answer why i felt like that
I’m a cis woman who has a transformation kink. I have insistent sexual thoughts about being forcibly masculinized — my head-hair shaved, my breasts cut off, forced to take testosterone, forced to undergo phalloplasty, etc. But all these thoughts are negative; there is no derived happiness as described in the article. In the fantasies I feel horrified and betrayed and dehumanized. They often involve non consensual sexual stimulation in which “my” new penis is aroused and forced to perform sex acts. It’s all pain and no pleasure. I feel arousal from these thoughts but it feels the same way as, like, having to sneeze a lot during allergy season? Does this mean anything about my gender. I really hate the idea that this means I have to transition to make these thoughts go away.
Well, like I said: only you can know. Something like this seems like it might be a really worthwhile thing to work on with a gender therapist. I could see it as some sort of OCD-adjacent security fixation or fear, but I could also see it as a trans thing—a lot depends on the nature, reasons behind, and context of your fears here.
That's more than you want some gal on the internet to parse through.
I know it’s rude of me to post this here, but I don’t really know where else I might get an answer that might help me. I’m about to turn 23 and I read this a few days ago, after a decade of essentially continuous depression that got much worse last summer. I came to the conclusion that I was trans, and I have a mental trove of evidence pointing in that direction. I was excited at first, but now I feel hopeless again. I don’t trust myself. I don’t even feel like a real person. How could I be? I feel like there’s nothing I can be sure of.
I’ve probably mentally damaged myself beyond repair. I think that’s a fair assessment. I fell down the alt-right hole at 13 and even if I’ve pulled myself out of it, the damage is done. I never learned how to be a person. I never felt like a person in the first place. I liked to escape, but now there’s nothing to escape to. I’m already on antidepressants. I have nobody. I think I’ve gotten so good at lying to myself that I can never know what feelings of mine are real anymore, if I can even feel them in the first place. How can I be right if I feel I’m always wrong? How can I do something good if I’m sure everything is a mistake?
What’s to be gained from living, even if I’m right about this? Probably I’ll keep on being miserable. I’m not a real person anyway. Even if it goes well. Like magic. I’ll probably keep on not wanting anything, being nothing. Someone who isn’t a real person can’t just become one. Something cannot come from nothing. And if I’m wrong? More damage done, and I’m back at square one. There’s no winning.
Frankly, I really think it’s unfair that somehow I have a living human body, and so many people don’t.
I guess the point is that how can I even know what I want, if I feel I want nothing? Or nothingness.
Like I said, I’m really sorry for posting here. It’s incredibly rude and unfair of me to do so. I just can’t talk to anyone. I’m not able to. I’m too afraid to lose what little I have.
So, I guess just to ask: if you're at "life isn't worth it" right now, *why not* give transition an honest try. Like, find a decent gender therapist, do some work on yourself, see what HRT might do for you. And, if you're wrong, you can just stop the hrt and almost everything will go back to the way it was.
In a nutshell, you're allowed to have a second chance at life. You're allowed the chance at being happy. And, to quote Suzie Izzard, if the other option is "or death," why not try the hail mary option?
What does it mean when I—afab—have fantasies from the pov of 1) being a hyperfeminine woman (like the cartoon), but with a penis 2) undergoing estrogenizing hormonal replacement therapy where I become increasingly feminized, including less hair, bigger breasts, and (particularly) my penis/testicles atrophy until they shrivel up to nothing and disappear 3) receiving a vaginoplasty, and being pampered afterward Etcetera?
The point of the article is that only you can know, because there are multiple ways to sublimate to any given kink. You have to look, well, beneath the surface.
Might be worth seeing a gender therapist on this. They can help guide you through that internal exploration. But it's not AGP, that much I can say—AGP isn't a thing, and has been widely discredited. It's like trying to use phrenology to explain people in this day and age—just kinda ludicrous.
Okay, so I understand the needs of Domination/Submission and Feminization/Bimbofication are sublimating.
But what about kinks like Size Play (Size Queen/King)? What needs are being tangentially met through fitting the largest sex toys known to man into your body? Or, say, Fisting, or even Sounding?
I'm only commenting this because I've activated my own trap card trying to figure out how kinks tied to explicitly sexual acts, instead of social roles and interaction, fit into the model. Although, the answer may well be, "Those are things you do, not things you *perform*."
So, there are multiple ways to get to any given kink via sublimation. That's the point of the article, isn't it--*you have to look beneath the surface, because only you can know your feelings*.
For better or worse, that's a question only you can answer, and only for you.
Do you have sources to back up your claims of there being a concrete relationship between psychological sublimation and the concept you describe as being "kink"? The narrative you construct is interesting and I'd be willing to seriously consider it if you had any studies or data that can demonstrate the existence of what seems to be the central aspect of the argument. If there isn't any actual evidence, though, it's just a narrative. Sorry if I come off as being rude.
Sublimation into and from sexual desire, particularly as fetish and kink, is one of the foundational theories of psychology. Like, all the way back to Freud foundational. Like, Psych 101, Wikipedia article foundational. Like, “our entire understanding of human sexuality falls apart if it doesn't work this way” foundational.
Did you read the links I liked in the article? They answer your question.
Sorry, I've never studied psychology and I'm very out of my depth when it comes to this subject, and on top of that I have a shitty background and I'm working through a lot of deeply-held but totally wrong beliefs and a ton of self-doubt. I find that having actual data which I can refer to helps me feel grounded.
Thing is, with that sort of self-doubt, it's not really about the evidence--it's about your own beliefs about your validity. So, yes, please read the stuff I linked in the article, because it is the evidence you asked for, but more importantly, talk about these feelings with a gender therapist.
Put a different way, if you didn't logic yourself into your current situation, you can't logic your way out of it.
I'm not able to talk to a gender therapist right now or in the near-to-medium term, unfortunately.
If it's alright with you, I'd like to ask you your opinion now on an aspect of my situation, because it's what's giving me the most trouble:
I have had a forced feminization fetish for a very long time, but in the present day I don't *feel* as if I want to be a girl. However, I also know I have a large capacity for self-deception and denial, and I think it's also possible that as a result of the prejudices I acquired earlier on in my life, I could have repressed the desire so completely that I no longer feel it.
I guess what I'm getting at is - can my interest in feminization/being feminized be reconciled with an apparent lack of desire to actually be a girl, or is something not adding up?
Only you can know the answer to that question, and you're going to need to do a lot of soul-searching to find those answers. I can't tell you the truth of your heart.
That's what a gender therapist can help you find.
I don't know your circumstances, so I won't comment on your ability to access care, but there may be people who can help, including financially, at your nearest LGBT+ Center.
Thank you for writing this. It really helped frame things differently for me. "It's just a fetish right?" Wow yes I've heard that one. I didn't have a good answer for that. "Um I'm not sure, maybe." Four years later still trying to wrap my head around it. This is helpful, thank you.
Sex while inhabiting the wrong gender is *weird*. At least it was for me.
I've always been uncomfortable with sex, but it took me a long time to unearth all the reasons why. Not uncomfortable enough to not have sex, mind you, but uncomfortable enough to often feel bad and always feel weird about it.
The first layer was pretty simple. I grew up in a moderately conservative family in a moderately conservative area, and I was a teenager in the 1980s, at the peak of the Ronald Reagan Family Values era. Sex of any kind outside marriage was sinful and shameful and bad. It didn't take long to understand that all of that was absolute nonsense, but understanding an idea and really internalizing it don't always proceed at the same pace.
The second layer came out of the same place - as bad as straight sex was, anything *gay* was so much worse. And my sexuality never fit the straight template, so *gay* was the only alternative I had the framework to understand. But that didn't fit either - It took all of five minutes to realize I was never really attracted to boys or men.
It turns out I am very, very gay - I am a (trans) woman exclusively attracted to women. But I was never gay in the sense I worried about as a male-presenting teenager.
The bottom layer (pun kind-of intended) was the hardest to dig through, and it's one I'm still working on. It turns out I just don't connect with male sexuality, at all, even when it's my own.
The physical and emotional differences in the experience of sex between masculine and feminine bodies are huge, and the feminine version just feels *right* in the same way the masculine version always felt *wrong*. Genitals are a big deal, obviously, but they're not the only thing that matters. Going on estrogen and eliminating testosterone also made a huge difference, and I never, ever want to go back.
Same. In fact, my impotence was probably the biggest indication of gender dysphoria I had, and that was on top of being utterly ashamed about being sexual at all for almost all my life.
Wow, there was no need to call me out this loudly...
🤭
I wrote this, and worked to be thoughtful with what I wrote, because it'd come up so, so, so often in private. I think kink is so heavily stigmatized, and that we'd all be a little better off if we could talk about, and understand, these things a little more openly.
It was a great read, opened my eyes. Your diary of admitting to yourself about being trans is what finally ‘cracked my egg’. I just always thought it was me being perverted and a fetishist. Back in the 70’s & 80’s there wasn’t a lot of discussion about it and I only found out that trans was a thing when I saw a film as a teenager and connected it to how I felt. It took another thirty years for me to stop repressing my true self. Any conversation that helps others be true to themselves is great in my eyes.
Awwwwww 🥹🥹🥹
I love the article, it certainly clarifies many things concerning kinks and fetishes that I have honestly been too afraid to examine.
What really hits home for me, and I believe confirms many things you brought up, is the fact that my own fetishes and kinks have almost all disappeared since I started my own transition two years ago. At first I felt it was due to my greatly decreased libido due to HRT and later my orchiectomy, but I no longer feel that is the case. My sexuality has been undergoing a massive shift, and honestly I do not know where it may end up, but the journey should be interesting.
When I mentioned that my kinks have "almost all disappeared", a few remain or have changed. The most powerful one revolves around bimbofication. Up until a year ago, I never even knew it was a thing, but since having discovered it, I find it very compelling. After reading your article, I am starting to think that it may be related to my own desire to feminize my body much more than I initially considered doing when I started my transition. This is something that I need to look at further.
As I said, I love your articles and I always look forward to each new one. Take care and be safe.
I mean, the other possibility is that you enjoy it for the same reason cis women do--it lets you push back against patriarchal repression of the very sexuality you're saying is in a state of revolution! A HUGE portion of kink typical to women in the West taps that need, from exhibitionism to naughty outfits to ethical nonmonogamy.
Trans women are women, so it'd make plenty of sense.
I agree, it could be for any of those reasons, all I know is that it is there and I get to have fun figuring it out.
I know that when I first started transitioning, I knew I wanted boobs, but figured just a bit would be enough, and had no thoughts of bottom surgery. Now, two years later, I've had bottom surgery and am getting a BA consult in two weeks. I realize I need my body to have a higher level of feminine expression that I thought before. And it's all for *me*. I have no concern about what others (with the exception of my wife) think about my body. *I* need to see a certain shape in order to be happy with who I am.
💜🏳️⚧️💜
Oh Tonya, I am so with you on all of that. I also have a consult with a surgeon in 2 weeks for top surgery, I am literally counting the minutes.
After having my orchiectomy last November, I figured that would be enough for me. How wrong I was. This is a very recent revelation for me and I am sorting through all of the emotions associated with it.
Like you, this is for nobody else but me.
Good luck with your consultation.
Likewise! 💖🏳️⚧️
This article came really at the right time for me. It relates a bit to my comment on the previous article regarding bottom surgery, it has made me reconsider certain things for my transition and what I might want to do. Although I am not happy that I have to wait so long to get help at least it allows me to be better informed. I have read many medical and psychology books on gender but your articles really get down to the gist of it. Thanks for all time you put into this, it really shows! ❤️
That's the highest compliment a person could pay to it. 🥰
N A I L E D I T.
I’ve been chewing this over for a while. Like so many of us, letting go of the “It’s just a fetish” meme was a critical step in my egg cracking. What gives me pause is that all these years I nursed dysphoria along, framing it as a fetish, I’d entertain the notion every once in a while. “Okay, so let’s say the medallion of Zulo/magic button/body swap machine or whatever really exists. Would I want to use it?” And every single time I’d answer in all sincerity “No.”
So it’s very easy to keep up the narrative that you’re cis with that result coming out of the thought experiment, right. It all seems ludicrous now because the experience of actually transitioning has been so overwhelmingly wonderful. Once I began there was nothing in my life I wanted more, aside from my children’s health and happiness. There was more than just internalized kink shame going on for me; something else made me think I genuinely didn’t want all this even if I could transform in the most perfect way possible.
The best I can come up with is fear of the unknown (“But what if I don’t like being a girl???”) and that I didn’t believe transition that felt meaningful to me was possible. As soon as I began to understand that I could medically transition and wind up with a female body at my age, literally days later my egg cracked. I think about this a lot because I wonder how many people I interact with are that one critical step away from being able to see the “fetish” for what it really is. Or maybe this was just my particular way of setting up the denial machine.
I realize I’m wandering off the topic but talking about all this is both interesting and something that helps make all those years of mourning an identity I never thought I’d have more meaningful.
I've 'lived in that question' since I was in adolescence. Hell, I think I may at some level known it at age 6 when I secretly put on my sisters princess dress and heels and felt a rush of euphoria and lightness, until my mom walked in and shamed me. Here I am 40 years later with a well developed female persona on Secondlife complete with a vagina. Amanda Romans story felt so familiar when I first read it. I was stunned and yet not really. Transformation stories, erotica (projecting myself in to the woman's perspective) etc. I've been accused of and accused myself of 'sex addiction', online addiction etc. Had a friend ask me years ago: "what are you seeking in your distraction?" I've come to the realization that my online 'distractions', persona and feminine projection isn't as much checking out as it is perhaps 'checking in' yet its highly sexualized to distract me from the real life implications in my sense of identity. Maybe this 'sublimation' you speak of? (duh?) I say to my trans friend I'm not 'dysphoric' but then 'jokingly' say things like 'If I could just get a slight nose job and get rid of this adams apple I'd feel better about myself'. While I have no intentions on turning in my 'Man card' at this point there's obviously some internal reckoning that needs to take place so I can find a sense of peace with myself. I think I'll just stick with 'closeted non-binary' for the time being. :insert eyeroll here:
That certainly does sound like a major sublimation of identity. And... well, saying you're not dysphoria, after that laundry list of what I can only interpret *as* dysphoria is... something else. Have you read the Gender Dysphoria Bible (genderdysphoria.fyi) yet? I think you'd get a lot out of it if you did.
As for internal peace? That comes from self-acceptance. There really is no other way, Danni.
I guess: what would you five years from now thank you most for doing today? Maybe think about that for a while.
I do appreciate your thoughts. Thank you. I do believe Im coming accept it on many levels. Just not sure what to do with it at this point or if I have to do anything. "Managed Dysphoria" was my first pick. 80% of the first section looks a lot like my shadow. That in itself can suck the life out someone and their relationships. Damn.
That's kind of what I meant. If, from what you're saying, you're really only checked in on your life in Second Life and when you're getting to live as a woman online... Well, you can do the math for how much of your life you're checked out for much better than I can.
If you're trans, I'll tell you this: life in the closet is no life at all. I would rather *literally* die than go back to the way things were. What I thought was fine, tolerable, normal?
Torture. There's no other word for what it was like, in retrospect.
Food for thought.
Good point about checking out. A good Tfriend of mine told me once it was literally change or die. She was serious. I'm certainly not there.. at least not that I'm aware of and I'm fairly self aware. Takes a bit bite of your food for thought. Hey, I'm new to this substack thing. Is there a messenger / one on one chat option?
I don't know I can put into words how seen this made me feel. I think I need to have a metaphorical sit down after reading this, maybe go cry in a corner for a while, idk. In any case, thank you so much for writing it. don't really know what else to say besides that...
Folks like you are why I wrote it in the first place. 🏳️⚧️🫂🏳️⚧️
I've bursted in tears 3 times already, even though this my 3rd read. I wish I had access to this knowledge earlier...like 20 years ago.
🫂🫂🫂
The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best is now.
There is still time.
You're absolutely right, but it feels so unreal, though. There are a lot of people I will hurt if I follow this path. Also imposter syndrome kicks in hard.
First of all: you won't hurt a soul. That's not how this works. If someone is hurt, it's because they're holding an idea of you more highly than the truth of you. That's *their* choice to make, not yours.
And as for imposter syndrome? Try out Red Seems Sus, another article here. If there is a universal trans experience, it's imposter syndrome.
You're real. I believe you.
It's unreal how easy it is for you to dispell my fears. I mean the idea of me vs true me is so eye-opening.
I'm not sure about the imposter syndrome, though. I've read the article (another banger), but perhaps I'm mixing things up. My biggest concern is: It's so easy for me to act male. Maybe it's not acting at all?
And I can't thank you enough for noticing me and taking your time to respond.
You've had a lifetime of practice acting like a boy. Why wouldn't you be really good at it?
I get your point, but when I'm doing it, it doesn't feel like acting. Well sometimes it does, but not nearly as often as I would expect.
Right now, i am confused. Since i came out to my parents, having seen a sexologist twice and at the last meeting by video conference, my mother thinks that i won't be happy by being a woman because there's also other stuff. Also, she tells me that i rely too much on websites like gender dysphoria bible (that i did showed to her and that she read some parts of it but not all) and wants specialists to say that yes, i am trans.
For 8 years, i always had a weird thing by thinking about female skinsuit and halloween costumes at first. I have watched too much of it and i stopped looking at images like only in early august of 2024. I don't know what to think anymore.
And it's only with that website that i knew what was depersonnalization and derealization, stuff that i have experienced in my life (being almost 22), tried to end my life like early september because of too much stuff that i wouldn't say here because it is personal stuff. And i have gotten help to be able to talk. Feeling unsure
Sounds to me like your mother is not an expert, and would rather that you not be trans. The expectation that a trans person must have nothing else going on psychologically is nuts, because that'd bar ALL living human beings from transition--life is full contact. Everyone picks up bruises. It's interesting to note that she devalues trans peoples' own knowledge about our own lives, and instead says that only a cis person can diagnose--determine--someone's transness, don't you think?
She's the type of mother that is accepting of difference, having a round bodyshape and looking like she has some weight (she did tried to lose weight then when she found that only after that that mens would come to try to go with her, she went fuck off to thoses peoples and would seek someone that would love her not just by her look), but she plays some match 3 games and browsing Facebook (not anything alt right) and being like have you seen this ? (Like she told us that beware when looking for google images when typing stuff like winnie the pooh that would then have porn images at a certain point, i already knew that and she wanted to told it to me thinking that we don't know that). Plus she has a hard time trusting some websites since she says that it should come from within me the answers. Also we did go see a sexologist that was trans affirmative.
Mmmmm, that's accepting of the "differences" which apply *to her*. That's not accepting of differences *of others*. She might be, but there isn't evidence here of it yet.
It is true that your answers need to come from you. All these resources are just to give you the tools to ask questions, and help understand what your answers mean.
And the last bit is that most cis peoples' idea of what it means to be trans, and therefore what they're trying to find when someone they love says they're trans, is a loooong way away from the reality.
It might be because i was her first child (i have a brother that is 2 years younger than me), she had a lover before my father, never married the former and she left him, she tried to have children with him but she was unable to get one with the former. But she loved me so much, went to learn about what was asperger syndrome (been diagnosed at like 5 years, she knew i had something) and she said that i wouldn't end like what the psychiatrist said about autistic persons (that thing developped into ableism when i was in primary 3 by living in autistic classes for a long time where there was the kind of autists peoples who i wanted to just tell to shut up)
But about the fetish with female skinsuit, i think it's because i feel like i hide stuff that if i would do it as a man, it would be bad. Or something with my life feeling like it's not me and projecting myself in the image to feel true to me. At least it's good the parts about needing the answers from me and looking at stuff online helped finally answer why i felt like that
I’m a cis woman who has a transformation kink. I have insistent sexual thoughts about being forcibly masculinized — my head-hair shaved, my breasts cut off, forced to take testosterone, forced to undergo phalloplasty, etc. But all these thoughts are negative; there is no derived happiness as described in the article. In the fantasies I feel horrified and betrayed and dehumanized. They often involve non consensual sexual stimulation in which “my” new penis is aroused and forced to perform sex acts. It’s all pain and no pleasure. I feel arousal from these thoughts but it feels the same way as, like, having to sneeze a lot during allergy season? Does this mean anything about my gender. I really hate the idea that this means I have to transition to make these thoughts go away.
Well, like I said: only you can know. Something like this seems like it might be a really worthwhile thing to work on with a gender therapist. I could see it as some sort of OCD-adjacent security fixation or fear, but I could also see it as a trans thing—a lot depends on the nature, reasons behind, and context of your fears here.
That's more than you want some gal on the internet to parse through.
I know it’s rude of me to post this here, but I don’t really know where else I might get an answer that might help me. I’m about to turn 23 and I read this a few days ago, after a decade of essentially continuous depression that got much worse last summer. I came to the conclusion that I was trans, and I have a mental trove of evidence pointing in that direction. I was excited at first, but now I feel hopeless again. I don’t trust myself. I don’t even feel like a real person. How could I be? I feel like there’s nothing I can be sure of.
I’ve probably mentally damaged myself beyond repair. I think that’s a fair assessment. I fell down the alt-right hole at 13 and even if I’ve pulled myself out of it, the damage is done. I never learned how to be a person. I never felt like a person in the first place. I liked to escape, but now there’s nothing to escape to. I’m already on antidepressants. I have nobody. I think I’ve gotten so good at lying to myself that I can never know what feelings of mine are real anymore, if I can even feel them in the first place. How can I be right if I feel I’m always wrong? How can I do something good if I’m sure everything is a mistake?
What’s to be gained from living, even if I’m right about this? Probably I’ll keep on being miserable. I’m not a real person anyway. Even if it goes well. Like magic. I’ll probably keep on not wanting anything, being nothing. Someone who isn’t a real person can’t just become one. Something cannot come from nothing. And if I’m wrong? More damage done, and I’m back at square one. There’s no winning.
Frankly, I really think it’s unfair that somehow I have a living human body, and so many people don’t.
I guess the point is that how can I even know what I want, if I feel I want nothing? Or nothingness.
Like I said, I’m really sorry for posting here. It’s incredibly rude and unfair of me to do so. I just can’t talk to anyone. I’m not able to. I’m too afraid to lose what little I have.
Gosh, that's tough, hun. 🫂🫂🫂
So, I guess just to ask: if you're at "life isn't worth it" right now, *why not* give transition an honest try. Like, find a decent gender therapist, do some work on yourself, see what HRT might do for you. And, if you're wrong, you can just stop the hrt and almost everything will go back to the way it was.
In a nutshell, you're allowed to have a second chance at life. You're allowed the chance at being happy. And, to quote Suzie Izzard, if the other option is "or death," why not try the hail mary option?
What does it mean when I—afab—have fantasies from the pov of 1) being a hyperfeminine woman (like the cartoon), but with a penis 2) undergoing estrogenizing hormonal replacement therapy where I become increasingly feminized, including less hair, bigger breasts, and (particularly) my penis/testicles atrophy until they shrivel up to nothing and disappear 3) receiving a vaginoplasty, and being pampered afterward Etcetera?
The point of the article is that only you can know, because there are multiple ways to sublimate to any given kink. You have to look, well, beneath the surface.
Might be worth seeing a gender therapist on this. They can help guide you through that internal exploration. But it's not AGP, that much I can say—AGP isn't a thing, and has been widely discredited. It's like trying to use phrenology to explain people in this day and age—just kinda ludicrous.
Okay, so I understand the needs of Domination/Submission and Feminization/Bimbofication are sublimating.
But what about kinks like Size Play (Size Queen/King)? What needs are being tangentially met through fitting the largest sex toys known to man into your body? Or, say, Fisting, or even Sounding?
I'm only commenting this because I've activated my own trap card trying to figure out how kinks tied to explicitly sexual acts, instead of social roles and interaction, fit into the model. Although, the answer may well be, "Those are things you do, not things you *perform*."
So, there are multiple ways to get to any given kink via sublimation. That's the point of the article, isn't it--*you have to look beneath the surface, because only you can know your feelings*.
For better or worse, that's a question only you can answer, and only for you.
Do you have sources to back up your claims of there being a concrete relationship between psychological sublimation and the concept you describe as being "kink"? The narrative you construct is interesting and I'd be willing to seriously consider it if you had any studies or data that can demonstrate the existence of what seems to be the central aspect of the argument. If there isn't any actual evidence, though, it's just a narrative. Sorry if I come off as being rude.
Visible Confusion
Sublimation into and from sexual desire, particularly as fetish and kink, is one of the foundational theories of psychology. Like, all the way back to Freud foundational. Like, Psych 101, Wikipedia article foundational. Like, “our entire understanding of human sexuality falls apart if it doesn't work this way” foundational.
Did you read the links I liked in the article? They answer your question.
Sorry, I've never studied psychology and I'm very out of my depth when it comes to this subject, and on top of that I have a shitty background and I'm working through a lot of deeply-held but totally wrong beliefs and a ton of self-doubt. I find that having actual data which I can refer to helps me feel grounded.
I understand.
Thing is, with that sort of self-doubt, it's not really about the evidence--it's about your own beliefs about your validity. So, yes, please read the stuff I linked in the article, because it is the evidence you asked for, but more importantly, talk about these feelings with a gender therapist.
Put a different way, if you didn't logic yourself into your current situation, you can't logic your way out of it.
I'm not able to talk to a gender therapist right now or in the near-to-medium term, unfortunately.
If it's alright with you, I'd like to ask you your opinion now on an aspect of my situation, because it's what's giving me the most trouble:
I have had a forced feminization fetish for a very long time, but in the present day I don't *feel* as if I want to be a girl. However, I also know I have a large capacity for self-deception and denial, and I think it's also possible that as a result of the prejudices I acquired earlier on in my life, I could have repressed the desire so completely that I no longer feel it.
I guess what I'm getting at is - can my interest in feminization/being feminized be reconciled with an apparent lack of desire to actually be a girl, or is something not adding up?
Only you can know the answer to that question, and you're going to need to do a lot of soul-searching to find those answers. I can't tell you the truth of your heart.
That's what a gender therapist can help you find.
I don't know your circumstances, so I won't comment on your ability to access care, but there may be people who can help, including financially, at your nearest LGBT+ Center.
Okay, I'm sorry for wasting your time.
Thank you for writing this. It really helped frame things differently for me. "It's just a fetish right?" Wow yes I've heard that one. I didn't have a good answer for that. "Um I'm not sure, maybe." Four years later still trying to wrap my head around it. This is helpful, thank you.