Jul 10, 2023·edited Jul 13, 2023Liked by Doc Impossible
Sex while inhabiting the wrong gender is *weird*. At least it was for me.
I've always been uncomfortable with sex, but it took me a long time to unearth all the reasons why. Not uncomfortable enough to not have sex, mind you, but uncomfortable enough to often feel bad and always feel weird about it.
The first layer was pretty simple. I grew up in a moderately conservative family in a moderately conservative area, and I was a teenager in the 1980s, at the peak of the Ronald Reagan Family Values era. Sex of any kind outside marriage was sinful and shameful and bad. It didn't take long to understand that all of that was absolute nonsense, but understanding an idea and really internalizing it don't always proceed at the same pace.
The second layer came out of the same place - as bad as straight sex was, anything *gay* was so much worse. And my sexuality never fit the straight template, so *gay* was the only alternative I had the framework to understand. But that didn't fit either - It took all of five minutes to realize I was never really attracted to boys or men.
It turns out I am very, very gay - I am a (trans) woman exclusively attracted to women. But I was never gay in the sense I worried about as a male-presenting teenager.
The bottom layer (pun kind-of intended) was the hardest to dig through, and it's one I'm still working on. It turns out I just don't connect with male sexuality, at all, even when it's my own.
The physical and emotional differences in the experience of sex between masculine and feminine bodies are huge, and the feminine version just feels *right* in the same way the masculine version always felt *wrong*. Genitals are a big deal, obviously, but they're not the only thing that matters. Going on estrogen and eliminating testosterone also made a huge difference, and I never, ever want to go back.
I love the article, it certainly clarifies many things concerning kinks and fetishes that I have honestly been too afraid to examine.
What really hits home for me, and I believe confirms many things you brought up, is the fact that my own fetishes and kinks have almost all disappeared since I started my own transition two years ago. At first I felt it was due to my greatly decreased libido due to HRT and later my orchiectomy, but I no longer feel that is the case. My sexuality has been undergoing a massive shift, and honestly I do not know where it may end up, but the journey should be interesting.
When I mentioned that my kinks have "almost all disappeared", a few remain or have changed. The most powerful one revolves around bimbofication. Up until a year ago, I never even knew it was a thing, but since having discovered it, I find it very compelling. After reading your article, I am starting to think that it may be related to my own desire to feminize my body much more than I initially considered doing when I started my transition. This is something that I need to look at further.
As I said, I love your articles and I always look forward to each new one. Take care and be safe.
This article came really at the right time for me. It relates a bit to my comment on the previous article regarding bottom surgery, it has made me reconsider certain things for my transition and what I might want to do. Although I am not happy that I have to wait so long to get help at least it allows me to be better informed. I have read many medical and psychology books on gender but your articles really get down to the gist of it. Thanks for all time you put into this, it really shows! ❤️
I’ve been chewing this over for a while. Like so many of us, letting go of the “It’s just a fetish” meme was a critical step in my egg cracking. What gives me pause is that all these years I nursed dysphoria along, framing it as a fetish, I’d entertain the notion every once in a while. “Okay, so let’s say the medallion of Zulo/magic button/body swap machine or whatever really exists. Would I want to use it?” And every single time I’d answer in all sincerity “No.”
So it’s very easy to keep up the narrative that you’re cis with that result coming out of the thought experiment, right. It all seems ludicrous now because the experience of actually transitioning has been so overwhelmingly wonderful. Once I began there was nothing in my life I wanted more, aside from my children’s health and happiness. There was more than just internalized kink shame going on for me; something else made me think I genuinely didn’t want all this even if I could transform in the most perfect way possible.
The best I can come up with is fear of the unknown (“But what if I don’t like being a girl???”) and that I didn’t believe transition that felt meaningful to me was possible. As soon as I began to understand that I could medically transition and wind up with a female body at my age, literally days later my egg cracked. I think about this a lot because I wonder how many people I interact with are that one critical step away from being able to see the “fetish” for what it really is. Or maybe this was just my particular way of setting up the denial machine.
I realize I’m wandering off the topic but talking about all this is both interesting and something that helps make all those years of mourning an identity I never thought I’d have more meaningful.
I've 'lived in that question' since I was in adolescence. Hell, I think I may at some level known it at age 6 when I secretly put on my sisters princess dress and heels and felt a rush of euphoria and lightness, until my mom walked in and shamed me. Here I am 40 years later with a well developed female persona on Secondlife complete with a vagina. Amanda Romans story felt so familiar when I first read it. I was stunned and yet not really. Transformation stories, erotica (projecting myself in to the woman's perspective) etc. I've been accused of and accused myself of 'sex addiction', online addiction etc. Had a friend ask me years ago: "what are you seeking in your distraction?" I've come to the realization that my online 'distractions', persona and feminine projection isn't as much checking out as it is perhaps 'checking in' yet its highly sexualized to distract me from the real life implications in my sense of identity. Maybe this 'sublimation' you speak of? (duh?) I say to my trans friend I'm not 'dysphoric' but then 'jokingly' say things like 'If I could just get a slight nose job and get rid of this adams apple I'd feel better about myself'. While I have no intentions on turning in my 'Man card' at this point there's obviously some internal reckoning that needs to take place so I can find a sense of peace with myself. I think I'll just stick with 'closeted non-binary' for the time being. :insert eyeroll here:
I don't know I can put into words how seen this made me feel. I think I need to have a metaphorical sit down after reading this, maybe go cry in a corner for a while, idk. In any case, thank you so much for writing it. don't really know what else to say besides that...
I just read through this and i'm still left unsure. 1. I don't really know, I feel like this kink just showed up at 8 and has been there since. 2. I could try cross dressing more often but I don't think this is the route I want to go down. I kind of wish I could just get rid of these thoughts and live my life as a straight dude. I still kind of think this is just a fetish. I hope there something I could do to get rid of these thoughts.
I have difficulties focusing on something for a prolonged period of time, but this article was sent to me after venting to someone about whether "am I trans or am I not", and I was captivated from start to finish! Even now that question remains unanswered, but I've since made an appointment in a transgender clinic and am on a waitlist. Much like the example displayed, I'm no stranger to the kink of bimbofication, amongst MANY others. And when I think about the questions posed, I can currently only answer thus with that kink in mind:
1. For me... it's to be me, unapologetically and unashamedly, regardless of what people think, to let go off my inhibitions and stigmas, to feel daring, transgressive and confident, to care not about a thing beyond myself and how it makes me feel.
2. This is a more complicated question, and one I'm not sure how to answer directly beyond "acknowledge them and tackle them". Do I want the hyperfemininity of bimbofication itself, or simply the characteristics I relate with it? Because such things could be gained by building up my non-existent self-esteem by going to a therapist and exercising self-acceptance and love, whilst the other would also require medical intervention to change my body in a manner I'd (presumably) find more appealing or pleasant.
Oh wow, this has given me a lot to think about. Not in terms of if I'm trans (I know I'm transmasculine and transitioned a decade ago), but in terms of what I'm thinking/feeling about when I engage with kink.
Uh so, basically, despite being mostly into women, I feel really drawn to gay leather daddies. Alongside FtM TF art, which is interestingly something I was never into pre-transition. And I think maybe what I'm getting at there is.... they're places where the horniness is unabashedly about masculinity. In cisheternormative circles, men don't really get to be the subject of desire (and when they do it's often with the caveat that they're feminised in some way).
I really like the way my body is now, but it can be really easy to feel I've basically cut myself off from being desired (apart from in shitty ways à la the local tboy chasers, and even then the feminisation thing comes into play 99% of the time) by transitioning. But FtM TF and the leather daddy archetype celebrate those things that have changed in me - the beard and the chest hair and guysmell (and leather circles tend to be very into my dadbod).
Sep 26, 2023·edited Sep 26, 2023Liked by Doc Impossible
Two things:
1. I lied to myself for years that I was just cross-dressing and that it was "just a kink". It wasn't. I first transitioned in late 2008, took a break from August 2009 through November 2010, for reasons beyond my control. Transitioned full time that time, and never looked back.
2. I participated in BDSM while my late wife was struggling to stay alive. Being sub to her Domme gave her a feeling of control over a *very* out of control life. I knew that was what I was doing, and to some degree, so did she.
So, this post is very on point with my own experiences. Thanks, and congrats on another fine piece.
Well, this puts my hair play fetish into perspective. Not body hair, which I wish would go the way of the Husnock, but long, beautiful hair. It's something I've felt since I was very young. Too young to have felt anything sexual. But it developed... and I'll leave it at that because, as you said in a comment on another post, you like to keep things family friendly--which is why I won't even name my other significant fetish, but I see now that it's also related to my desire for transition.
My mind is just blown, because this article is essentially about me. Except that my kinks (especially bimbofication and dollification) haven't disappeared (although I did stop going onto Second Life to explore my gender almost as soon as I started transitioning).
Sex while inhabiting the wrong gender is *weird*. At least it was for me.
I've always been uncomfortable with sex, but it took me a long time to unearth all the reasons why. Not uncomfortable enough to not have sex, mind you, but uncomfortable enough to often feel bad and always feel weird about it.
The first layer was pretty simple. I grew up in a moderately conservative family in a moderately conservative area, and I was a teenager in the 1980s, at the peak of the Ronald Reagan Family Values era. Sex of any kind outside marriage was sinful and shameful and bad. It didn't take long to understand that all of that was absolute nonsense, but understanding an idea and really internalizing it don't always proceed at the same pace.
The second layer came out of the same place - as bad as straight sex was, anything *gay* was so much worse. And my sexuality never fit the straight template, so *gay* was the only alternative I had the framework to understand. But that didn't fit either - It took all of five minutes to realize I was never really attracted to boys or men.
It turns out I am very, very gay - I am a (trans) woman exclusively attracted to women. But I was never gay in the sense I worried about as a male-presenting teenager.
The bottom layer (pun kind-of intended) was the hardest to dig through, and it's one I'm still working on. It turns out I just don't connect with male sexuality, at all, even when it's my own.
The physical and emotional differences in the experience of sex between masculine and feminine bodies are huge, and the feminine version just feels *right* in the same way the masculine version always felt *wrong*. Genitals are a big deal, obviously, but they're not the only thing that matters. Going on estrogen and eliminating testosterone also made a huge difference, and I never, ever want to go back.
Wow, there was no need to call me out this loudly...
I love the article, it certainly clarifies many things concerning kinks and fetishes that I have honestly been too afraid to examine.
What really hits home for me, and I believe confirms many things you brought up, is the fact that my own fetishes and kinks have almost all disappeared since I started my own transition two years ago. At first I felt it was due to my greatly decreased libido due to HRT and later my orchiectomy, but I no longer feel that is the case. My sexuality has been undergoing a massive shift, and honestly I do not know where it may end up, but the journey should be interesting.
When I mentioned that my kinks have "almost all disappeared", a few remain or have changed. The most powerful one revolves around bimbofication. Up until a year ago, I never even knew it was a thing, but since having discovered it, I find it very compelling. After reading your article, I am starting to think that it may be related to my own desire to feminize my body much more than I initially considered doing when I started my transition. This is something that I need to look at further.
As I said, I love your articles and I always look forward to each new one. Take care and be safe.
This article came really at the right time for me. It relates a bit to my comment on the previous article regarding bottom surgery, it has made me reconsider certain things for my transition and what I might want to do. Although I am not happy that I have to wait so long to get help at least it allows me to be better informed. I have read many medical and psychology books on gender but your articles really get down to the gist of it. Thanks for all time you put into this, it really shows! ❤️
N A I L E D I T.
I’ve been chewing this over for a while. Like so many of us, letting go of the “It’s just a fetish” meme was a critical step in my egg cracking. What gives me pause is that all these years I nursed dysphoria along, framing it as a fetish, I’d entertain the notion every once in a while. “Okay, so let’s say the medallion of Zulo/magic button/body swap machine or whatever really exists. Would I want to use it?” And every single time I’d answer in all sincerity “No.”
So it’s very easy to keep up the narrative that you’re cis with that result coming out of the thought experiment, right. It all seems ludicrous now because the experience of actually transitioning has been so overwhelmingly wonderful. Once I began there was nothing in my life I wanted more, aside from my children’s health and happiness. There was more than just internalized kink shame going on for me; something else made me think I genuinely didn’t want all this even if I could transform in the most perfect way possible.
The best I can come up with is fear of the unknown (“But what if I don’t like being a girl???”) and that I didn’t believe transition that felt meaningful to me was possible. As soon as I began to understand that I could medically transition and wind up with a female body at my age, literally days later my egg cracked. I think about this a lot because I wonder how many people I interact with are that one critical step away from being able to see the “fetish” for what it really is. Or maybe this was just my particular way of setting up the denial machine.
I realize I’m wandering off the topic but talking about all this is both interesting and something that helps make all those years of mourning an identity I never thought I’d have more meaningful.
I've 'lived in that question' since I was in adolescence. Hell, I think I may at some level known it at age 6 when I secretly put on my sisters princess dress and heels and felt a rush of euphoria and lightness, until my mom walked in and shamed me. Here I am 40 years later with a well developed female persona on Secondlife complete with a vagina. Amanda Romans story felt so familiar when I first read it. I was stunned and yet not really. Transformation stories, erotica (projecting myself in to the woman's perspective) etc. I've been accused of and accused myself of 'sex addiction', online addiction etc. Had a friend ask me years ago: "what are you seeking in your distraction?" I've come to the realization that my online 'distractions', persona and feminine projection isn't as much checking out as it is perhaps 'checking in' yet its highly sexualized to distract me from the real life implications in my sense of identity. Maybe this 'sublimation' you speak of? (duh?) I say to my trans friend I'm not 'dysphoric' but then 'jokingly' say things like 'If I could just get a slight nose job and get rid of this adams apple I'd feel better about myself'. While I have no intentions on turning in my 'Man card' at this point there's obviously some internal reckoning that needs to take place so I can find a sense of peace with myself. I think I'll just stick with 'closeted non-binary' for the time being. :insert eyeroll here:
I don't know I can put into words how seen this made me feel. I think I need to have a metaphorical sit down after reading this, maybe go cry in a corner for a while, idk. In any case, thank you so much for writing it. don't really know what else to say besides that...
I just read through this and i'm still left unsure. 1. I don't really know, I feel like this kink just showed up at 8 and has been there since. 2. I could try cross dressing more often but I don't think this is the route I want to go down. I kind of wish I could just get rid of these thoughts and live my life as a straight dude. I still kind of think this is just a fetish. I hope there something I could do to get rid of these thoughts.
I have difficulties focusing on something for a prolonged period of time, but this article was sent to me after venting to someone about whether "am I trans or am I not", and I was captivated from start to finish! Even now that question remains unanswered, but I've since made an appointment in a transgender clinic and am on a waitlist. Much like the example displayed, I'm no stranger to the kink of bimbofication, amongst MANY others. And when I think about the questions posed, I can currently only answer thus with that kink in mind:
1. For me... it's to be me, unapologetically and unashamedly, regardless of what people think, to let go off my inhibitions and stigmas, to feel daring, transgressive and confident, to care not about a thing beyond myself and how it makes me feel.
2. This is a more complicated question, and one I'm not sure how to answer directly beyond "acknowledge them and tackle them". Do I want the hyperfemininity of bimbofication itself, or simply the characteristics I relate with it? Because such things could be gained by building up my non-existent self-esteem by going to a therapist and exercising self-acceptance and love, whilst the other would also require medical intervention to change my body in a manner I'd (presumably) find more appealing or pleasant.
Oh wow, this has given me a lot to think about. Not in terms of if I'm trans (I know I'm transmasculine and transitioned a decade ago), but in terms of what I'm thinking/feeling about when I engage with kink.
Uh so, basically, despite being mostly into women, I feel really drawn to gay leather daddies. Alongside FtM TF art, which is interestingly something I was never into pre-transition. And I think maybe what I'm getting at there is.... they're places where the horniness is unabashedly about masculinity. In cisheternormative circles, men don't really get to be the subject of desire (and when they do it's often with the caveat that they're feminised in some way).
I really like the way my body is now, but it can be really easy to feel I've basically cut myself off from being desired (apart from in shitty ways à la the local tboy chasers, and even then the feminisation thing comes into play 99% of the time) by transitioning. But FtM TF and the leather daddy archetype celebrate those things that have changed in me - the beard and the chest hair and guysmell (and leather circles tend to be very into my dadbod).
Geeze.
This just summed up my entire life of feelings.
I've been transitioning for ~4 months and, at the start, I was so deeply worried it was "just a fetish."
I didn't even realize it until just now but it all stopped four months ago.. and it's been a tremendous weight off my shoulder.
Thank you for authoring this Article. Thank you so much.
Two things:
1. I lied to myself for years that I was just cross-dressing and that it was "just a kink". It wasn't. I first transitioned in late 2008, took a break from August 2009 through November 2010, for reasons beyond my control. Transitioned full time that time, and never looked back.
2. I participated in BDSM while my late wife was struggling to stay alive. Being sub to her Domme gave her a feeling of control over a *very* out of control life. I knew that was what I was doing, and to some degree, so did she.
So, this post is very on point with my own experiences. Thanks, and congrats on another fine piece.
Well, this puts my hair play fetish into perspective. Not body hair, which I wish would go the way of the Husnock, but long, beautiful hair. It's something I've felt since I was very young. Too young to have felt anything sexual. But it developed... and I'll leave it at that because, as you said in a comment on another post, you like to keep things family friendly--which is why I won't even name my other significant fetish, but I see now that it's also related to my desire for transition.
Thanks, this kind of helped put this stuff to bed for me, at least re: gender (transfemme enby). 💛🤍💜🖤
However, for some other things...
1. What needs are your kinks sublimating?
**I don't knooowww!!!!** sigh 🤷 lol
My mind is just blown, because this article is essentially about me. Except that my kinks (especially bimbofication and dollification) haven't disappeared (although I did stop going onto Second Life to explore my gender almost as soon as I started transitioning).