Sex while inhabiting the wrong gender is *weird*. At least it was for me.
I've always been uncomfortable with sex, but it took me a long time to unearth all the reasons why. Not uncomfortable enough to not have sex, mind you, but uncomfortable enough to often feel bad and always feel weird about it.
The first layer was pretty simple. I grew up in a moderately conservative family in a moderately conservative area, and I was a teenager in the 1980s, at the peak of the Ronald Reagan Family Values era. Sex of any kind outside marriage was sinful and shameful and bad. It didn't take long to understand that all of that was absolute nonsense, but understanding an idea and really internalizing it don't always proceed at the same pace.
The second layer came out of the same place - as bad as straight sex was, anything *gay* was so much worse. And my sexuality never fit the straight template, so *gay* was the only alternative I had the framework to understand. But that didn't fit either - It took all of five minutes to realize I was never really attracted to boys or men.
It turns out I am very, very gay - I am a (trans) woman exclusively attracted to women. But I was never gay in the sense I worried about as a male-presenting teenager.
The bottom layer (pun kind-of intended) was the hardest to dig through, and it's one I'm still working on. It turns out I just don't connect with male sexuality, at all, even when it's my own.
The physical and emotional differences in the experience of sex between masculine and feminine bodies are huge, and the feminine version just feels *right* in the same way the masculine version always felt *wrong*. Genitals are a big deal, obviously, but they're not the only thing that matters. Going on estrogen and eliminating testosterone also made a huge difference, and I never, ever want to go back.
Same. In fact, my impotence was probably the biggest indication of gender dysphoria I had, and that was on top of being utterly ashamed about being sexual at all for almost all my life.
I wrote this, and worked to be thoughtful with what I wrote, because it'd come up so, so, so often in private. I think kink is so heavily stigmatized, and that we'd all be a little better off if we could talk about, and understand, these things a little more openly.
It was a great read, opened my eyes. Your diary of admitting to yourself about being trans is what finally ‘cracked my egg’. I just always thought it was me being perverted and a fetishist. Back in the 70’s & 80’s there wasn’t a lot of discussion about it and I only found out that trans was a thing when I saw a film as a teenager and connected it to how I felt. It took another thirty years for me to stop repressing my true self. Any conversation that helps others be true to themselves is great in my eyes.
I love the article, it certainly clarifies many things concerning kinks and fetishes that I have honestly been too afraid to examine.
What really hits home for me, and I believe confirms many things you brought up, is the fact that my own fetishes and kinks have almost all disappeared since I started my own transition two years ago. At first I felt it was due to my greatly decreased libido due to HRT and later my orchiectomy, but I no longer feel that is the case. My sexuality has been undergoing a massive shift, and honestly I do not know where it may end up, but the journey should be interesting.
When I mentioned that my kinks have "almost all disappeared", a few remain or have changed. The most powerful one revolves around bimbofication. Up until a year ago, I never even knew it was a thing, but since having discovered it, I find it very compelling. After reading your article, I am starting to think that it may be related to my own desire to feminize my body much more than I initially considered doing when I started my transition. This is something that I need to look at further.
As I said, I love your articles and I always look forward to each new one. Take care and be safe.
I mean, the other possibility is that you enjoy it for the same reason cis women do--it lets you push back against patriarchal repression of the very sexuality you're saying is in a state of revolution! A HUGE portion of kink typical to women in the West taps that need, from exhibitionism to naughty outfits to ethical nonmonogamy.
Trans women are women, so it'd make plenty of sense.
I know that when I first started transitioning, I knew I wanted boobs, but figured just a bit would be enough, and had no thoughts of bottom surgery. Now, two years later, I've had bottom surgery and am getting a BA consult in two weeks. I realize I need my body to have a higher level of feminine expression that I thought before. And it's all for *me*. I have no concern about what others (with the exception of my wife) think about my body. *I* need to see a certain shape in order to be happy with who I am.
Oh Tonya, I am so with you on all of that. I also have a consult with a surgeon in 2 weeks for top surgery, I am literally counting the minutes.
After having my orchiectomy last November, I figured that would be enough for me. How wrong I was. This is a very recent revelation for me and I am sorting through all of the emotions associated with it.
This article came really at the right time for me. It relates a bit to my comment on the previous article regarding bottom surgery, it has made me reconsider certain things for my transition and what I might want to do. Although I am not happy that I have to wait so long to get help at least it allows me to be better informed. I have read many medical and psychology books on gender but your articles really get down to the gist of it. Thanks for all time you put into this, it really shows! ❤️
I’ve been chewing this over for a while. Like so many of us, letting go of the “It’s just a fetish” meme was a critical step in my egg cracking. What gives me pause is that all these years I nursed dysphoria along, framing it as a fetish, I’d entertain the notion every once in a while. “Okay, so let’s say the medallion of Zulo/magic button/body swap machine or whatever really exists. Would I want to use it?” And every single time I’d answer in all sincerity “No.”
So it’s very easy to keep up the narrative that you’re cis with that result coming out of the thought experiment, right. It all seems ludicrous now because the experience of actually transitioning has been so overwhelmingly wonderful. Once I began there was nothing in my life I wanted more, aside from my children’s health and happiness. There was more than just internalized kink shame going on for me; something else made me think I genuinely didn’t want all this even if I could transform in the most perfect way possible.
The best I can come up with is fear of the unknown (“But what if I don’t like being a girl???”) and that I didn’t believe transition that felt meaningful to me was possible. As soon as I began to understand that I could medically transition and wind up with a female body at my age, literally days later my egg cracked. I think about this a lot because I wonder how many people I interact with are that one critical step away from being able to see the “fetish” for what it really is. Or maybe this was just my particular way of setting up the denial machine.
I realize I’m wandering off the topic but talking about all this is both interesting and something that helps make all those years of mourning an identity I never thought I’d have more meaningful.
I know it’s rude of me to post this here, but I don’t really know where else I might get an answer that might help me. I’m about to turn 23 and I read this a few days ago, after a decade of essentially continuous depression that got much worse last summer. I came to the conclusion that I was trans, and I have a mental trove of evidence pointing in that direction. I was excited at first, but now I feel hopeless again. I don’t trust myself. I don’t even feel like a real person. How could I be? I feel like there’s nothing I can be sure of.
I’ve probably mentally damaged myself beyond repair. I think that’s a fair assessment. I fell down the alt-right hole at 13 and even if I’ve pulled myself out of it, the damage is done. I never learned how to be a person. I never felt like a person in the first place. I liked to escape, but now there’s nothing to escape to. I’m already on antidepressants. I have nobody. I think I’ve gotten so good at lying to myself that I can never know what feelings of mine are real anymore, if I can even feel them in the first place. How can I be right if I feel I’m always wrong? How can I do something good if I’m sure everything is a mistake?
What’s to be gained from living, even if I’m right about this? Probably I’ll keep on being miserable. I’m not a real person anyway. Even if it goes well. Like magic. I’ll probably keep on not wanting anything, being nothing. Someone who isn’t a real person can’t just become one. Something cannot come from nothing. And if I’m wrong? More damage done, and I’m back at square one. There’s no winning.
Frankly, I really think it’s unfair that somehow I have a living human body, and so many people don’t.
I guess the point is that how can I even know what I want, if I feel I want nothing? Or nothingness.
Like I said, I’m really sorry for posting here. It’s incredibly rude and unfair of me to do so. I just can’t talk to anyone. I’m not able to. I’m too afraid to lose what little I have.
So, I guess just to ask: if you're at "life isn't worth it" right now, *why not* give transition an honest try. Like, find a decent gender therapist, do some work on yourself, see what HRT might do for you. And, if you're wrong, you can just stop the hrt and almost everything will go back to the way it was.
In a nutshell, you're allowed to have a second chance at life. You're allowed the chance at being happy. And, to quote Suzie Izzard, if the other option is "or death," why not try the hail mary option?
I don't know I can put into words how seen this made me feel. I think I need to have a metaphorical sit down after reading this, maybe go cry in a corner for a while, idk. In any case, thank you so much for writing it. don't really know what else to say besides that...
1. I lied to myself for years that I was just cross-dressing and that it was "just a kink". It wasn't. I first transitioned in late 2008, took a break from August 2009 through November 2010, for reasons beyond my control. Transitioned full time that time, and never looked back.
2. I participated in BDSM while my late wife was struggling to stay alive. Being sub to her Domme gave her a feeling of control over a *very* out of control life. I knew that was what I was doing, and to some degree, so did she.
So, this post is very on point with my own experiences. Thanks, and congrats on another fine piece.
I've 'lived in that question' since I was in adolescence. Hell, I think I may at some level known it at age 6 when I secretly put on my sisters princess dress and heels and felt a rush of euphoria and lightness, until my mom walked in and shamed me. Here I am 40 years later with a well developed female persona on Secondlife complete with a vagina. Amanda Romans story felt so familiar when I first read it. I was stunned and yet not really. Transformation stories, erotica (projecting myself in to the woman's perspective) etc. I've been accused of and accused myself of 'sex addiction', online addiction etc. Had a friend ask me years ago: "what are you seeking in your distraction?" I've come to the realization that my online 'distractions', persona and feminine projection isn't as much checking out as it is perhaps 'checking in' yet its highly sexualized to distract me from the real life implications in my sense of identity. Maybe this 'sublimation' you speak of? (duh?) I say to my trans friend I'm not 'dysphoric' but then 'jokingly' say things like 'If I could just get a slight nose job and get rid of this adams apple I'd feel better about myself'. While I have no intentions on turning in my 'Man card' at this point there's obviously some internal reckoning that needs to take place so I can find a sense of peace with myself. I think I'll just stick with 'closeted non-binary' for the time being. :insert eyeroll here:
That certainly does sound like a major sublimation of identity. And... well, saying you're not dysphoria, after that laundry list of what I can only interpret *as* dysphoria is... something else. Have you read the Gender Dysphoria Bible (genderdysphoria.fyi) yet? I think you'd get a lot out of it if you did.
As for internal peace? That comes from self-acceptance. There really is no other way, Danni.
I guess: what would you five years from now thank you most for doing today? Maybe think about that for a while.
I do appreciate your thoughts. Thank you. I do believe Im coming accept it on many levels. Just not sure what to do with it at this point or if I have to do anything. "Managed Dysphoria" was my first pick. 80% of the first section looks a lot like my shadow. That in itself can suck the life out someone and their relationships. Damn.
That's kind of what I meant. If, from what you're saying, you're really only checked in on your life in Second Life and when you're getting to live as a woman online... Well, you can do the math for how much of your life you're checked out for much better than I can.
If you're trans, I'll tell you this: life in the closet is no life at all. I would rather *literally* die than go back to the way things were. What I thought was fine, tolerable, normal?
Torture. There's no other word for what it was like, in retrospect.
Good point about checking out. A good Tfriend of mine told me once it was literally change or die. She was serious. I'm certainly not there.. at least not that I'm aware of and I'm fairly self aware. Takes a bit bite of your food for thought. Hey, I'm new to this substack thing. Is there a messenger / one on one chat option?
Thanks for responding. That's not how it goes for me. It's nothing to do with humiliation. I think I secretly really want to be a woman and "forced fem" lets me explore that space thinking I have no choice but to be turned into a woman....(which is obviously what I really desire to be). Taking a deep breath if I answer Question 1....what needs are my kinks sublimating? Forced Fem, feminization and Body Transformation "kinks" are on reflection probably all a part of me wanting to be a woman.....Taking an even deeper breath .....Question 2 how can you meet them directly? well I know the answer...but I am not quite sure how I got to this point.... this is really scary.....I think I feel much more comfortable if it is just a fetish, right? I can put it away....it is private and I don't have to do anything about it.....(accept now for the intrusive Gender Questioning that has nagged me constantly for over six months) I am trapped down a rabbit hole!!!
I'm not surprised, hun. In my experience, almost everyone who gets hung up on this question? They pretty much all boil down to afearof consequences. And yeah, that fear is real... but it also doesn't change anything. If you're trans, it's never gonna go away until you do something about it.
“Every single person I’ve ever talked to who was both wrestling with their gender and the kink question turned out to be trans.”…Really great article (read it 4 times now) but I really struggle with this comment. Surely if you start questioning where the kink is coming from….you would also be inclined to start wrestling with your gender identity….(like I have for the last six months) ….surely it doesn’t mean I will turn out to be trans? Forced feminization fetish led to cross dressing / feminization led to questioning gender identity….is this not just gender exploration?
That's not how it goes for everyone. For some men, it's the humiliation of forced fem that's the sexual draw for them--they actively *don't* want to be women, and the idea of being forced into that situation is exciting for them in a purely BDSM sorta way.
That's why I never claim, and wouldn't, that 100% of those sort of kinks come from Gender Feels. It's the differences in why that are so important.
I am very early in the realisation that I am probably a trans woman. I read your post in the hopes that it would knock off the dark cloud of 'just a fetish' once and for all. But, alas it is still there.
All I needed to be rid of these doubts was a satisfying justification of your central thesis, that 'all fetishes serve an unsexual need' is true. However, this isn't argued to anywhere near the level of satisfaction that I was seeking. Indeed a quick scan of resources from trans-affirming psychologists and researchers who are well-respected in the scientific community appear to concur that NOT 100% of fetishes are in service of a nonsexual need.
Here are a couple:
* Meg-John Barker – Queer: A Graphic History (2016) & Gender: A Graphic Guide (2020)
Trans-affirming psychologist and academic.
Explores sexuality and gender fluidity in accessible, nonjudgmental ways.
Discusses how erotic patterns (including fetishes) can be playful, exploratory, and not necessarily symptomatic of dysfunction or unmet needs.
* Joyal & Carpentier (2017) – The Prevalence of Paraphilic Interests in the General Population
Journal of Sex Research, a gold-standard peer-reviewed journal.
Finds that paraphilic interests are common (over 50% of men and nearly 1 in 3 women reported at least one).
Argues that not all fetishes are pathological or tied to deeper emotional needs—some are just variations in normal sexual expression.
I'd dispute your interpretation of those articles--fundamentally, play, learning, and social exploration all serve needs on Maslow's Hierarchy, just higher-level needs. And more importantly, nowhere in here did I speak about dysfunction at any level, because that's neither here nor there.
And as for paraphilia? To be absolutely frank, not only is it a candidate to be removed entirely from the DSM as not only a non-diagnosis, but as a purjoratove, the very author of your second article, Joyal, is openly calling for it to be removed. Check it out for yourself: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2021-48394-006
Pretty hard to have a paraphilia if no such thing exists, hun.
I guess the important thing I'd urge you to think hard about is that whether you're trans or cis, you will *never* be 100% sure of your gender again. The only way to get there is to be told as a young child by someone you trust absolutely; as soon as you really accept that your AGAB and gender don't have to be the same, there'll always be that smidgeon of doubt. So, rather than trying to come to some mystical enlightenment of perfect insight--which is an impossible standard that will only serve to repress you--why not ask instead what would make you happy?
And more importantly, if it was just a fetish? *Who cares?* You wouldn't be harming anyone, and if it brought you more joy in life, I'd cheer you on.
this made me cry, it told me everything i already knew i needed to hear. im afab, but ive always wished i were born a boy, convincing myself that my sexual fantasies were just something weird about me, that i was being that cis girl who fetishes gay men, but i do know deep down its more than that.
Some people who I talked to who questioned their gender turned out to be cis. However, none of them were people who were also grappling with the kink question. Everyone who reached out to me for help and brought up the worry that it might be a fetish turned out to be trans, in the end.
I have an age play fetish and ive struggled to understand it my whole life. I only realized i had always been a girl, in my 30s, but I've wanted to be a little girl since i was still a boy, at the age of 10/11 and when i say little girl, i means like 3-6 years old or so. It's shifted over the years... But like, it's so persistent...
The first time i talked to a therapist about it, she suggested i might be trans, but i waved it off, because i told her I don't want to be a woman, i want to be a little girl, and she didn't push harder. It took over a year more to start actually questioning my gender (and my whole identity and family history).
Anyways, thanks for this. I read a lot of ppls takes and they're usually insightful and nudge me this way or that, but every so often i read something like this, where it feels like a breakthrough lead to me comprehending my world.
Sex while inhabiting the wrong gender is *weird*. At least it was for me.
I've always been uncomfortable with sex, but it took me a long time to unearth all the reasons why. Not uncomfortable enough to not have sex, mind you, but uncomfortable enough to often feel bad and always feel weird about it.
The first layer was pretty simple. I grew up in a moderately conservative family in a moderately conservative area, and I was a teenager in the 1980s, at the peak of the Ronald Reagan Family Values era. Sex of any kind outside marriage was sinful and shameful and bad. It didn't take long to understand that all of that was absolute nonsense, but understanding an idea and really internalizing it don't always proceed at the same pace.
The second layer came out of the same place - as bad as straight sex was, anything *gay* was so much worse. And my sexuality never fit the straight template, so *gay* was the only alternative I had the framework to understand. But that didn't fit either - It took all of five minutes to realize I was never really attracted to boys or men.
It turns out I am very, very gay - I am a (trans) woman exclusively attracted to women. But I was never gay in the sense I worried about as a male-presenting teenager.
The bottom layer (pun kind-of intended) was the hardest to dig through, and it's one I'm still working on. It turns out I just don't connect with male sexuality, at all, even when it's my own.
The physical and emotional differences in the experience of sex between masculine and feminine bodies are huge, and the feminine version just feels *right* in the same way the masculine version always felt *wrong*. Genitals are a big deal, obviously, but they're not the only thing that matters. Going on estrogen and eliminating testosterone also made a huge difference, and I never, ever want to go back.
Same. In fact, my impotence was probably the biggest indication of gender dysphoria I had, and that was on top of being utterly ashamed about being sexual at all for almost all my life.
Wow, there was no need to call me out this loudly...
🤭
I wrote this, and worked to be thoughtful with what I wrote, because it'd come up so, so, so often in private. I think kink is so heavily stigmatized, and that we'd all be a little better off if we could talk about, and understand, these things a little more openly.
It was a great read, opened my eyes. Your diary of admitting to yourself about being trans is what finally ‘cracked my egg’. I just always thought it was me being perverted and a fetishist. Back in the 70’s & 80’s there wasn’t a lot of discussion about it and I only found out that trans was a thing when I saw a film as a teenager and connected it to how I felt. It took another thirty years for me to stop repressing my true self. Any conversation that helps others be true to themselves is great in my eyes.
Awwwwww 🥹🥹🥹
Right?! But also, the point of the article is that you aren't the only person being called out and, perhaps, this is a case of @everyone :p
I love the article, it certainly clarifies many things concerning kinks and fetishes that I have honestly been too afraid to examine.
What really hits home for me, and I believe confirms many things you brought up, is the fact that my own fetishes and kinks have almost all disappeared since I started my own transition two years ago. At first I felt it was due to my greatly decreased libido due to HRT and later my orchiectomy, but I no longer feel that is the case. My sexuality has been undergoing a massive shift, and honestly I do not know where it may end up, but the journey should be interesting.
When I mentioned that my kinks have "almost all disappeared", a few remain or have changed. The most powerful one revolves around bimbofication. Up until a year ago, I never even knew it was a thing, but since having discovered it, I find it very compelling. After reading your article, I am starting to think that it may be related to my own desire to feminize my body much more than I initially considered doing when I started my transition. This is something that I need to look at further.
As I said, I love your articles and I always look forward to each new one. Take care and be safe.
I mean, the other possibility is that you enjoy it for the same reason cis women do--it lets you push back against patriarchal repression of the very sexuality you're saying is in a state of revolution! A HUGE portion of kink typical to women in the West taps that need, from exhibitionism to naughty outfits to ethical nonmonogamy.
Trans women are women, so it'd make plenty of sense.
I agree, it could be for any of those reasons, all I know is that it is there and I get to have fun figuring it out.
I know that when I first started transitioning, I knew I wanted boobs, but figured just a bit would be enough, and had no thoughts of bottom surgery. Now, two years later, I've had bottom surgery and am getting a BA consult in two weeks. I realize I need my body to have a higher level of feminine expression that I thought before. And it's all for *me*. I have no concern about what others (with the exception of my wife) think about my body. *I* need to see a certain shape in order to be happy with who I am.
💜🏳️⚧️💜
Oh Tonya, I am so with you on all of that. I also have a consult with a surgeon in 2 weeks for top surgery, I am literally counting the minutes.
After having my orchiectomy last November, I figured that would be enough for me. How wrong I was. This is a very recent revelation for me and I am sorting through all of the emotions associated with it.
Like you, this is for nobody else but me.
Good luck with your consultation.
Likewise! 💖🏳️⚧️
This article came really at the right time for me. It relates a bit to my comment on the previous article regarding bottom surgery, it has made me reconsider certain things for my transition and what I might want to do. Although I am not happy that I have to wait so long to get help at least it allows me to be better informed. I have read many medical and psychology books on gender but your articles really get down to the gist of it. Thanks for all time you put into this, it really shows! ❤️
That's the highest compliment a person could pay to it. 🥰
N A I L E D I T.
I’ve been chewing this over for a while. Like so many of us, letting go of the “It’s just a fetish” meme was a critical step in my egg cracking. What gives me pause is that all these years I nursed dysphoria along, framing it as a fetish, I’d entertain the notion every once in a while. “Okay, so let’s say the medallion of Zulo/magic button/body swap machine or whatever really exists. Would I want to use it?” And every single time I’d answer in all sincerity “No.”
So it’s very easy to keep up the narrative that you’re cis with that result coming out of the thought experiment, right. It all seems ludicrous now because the experience of actually transitioning has been so overwhelmingly wonderful. Once I began there was nothing in my life I wanted more, aside from my children’s health and happiness. There was more than just internalized kink shame going on for me; something else made me think I genuinely didn’t want all this even if I could transform in the most perfect way possible.
The best I can come up with is fear of the unknown (“But what if I don’t like being a girl???”) and that I didn’t believe transition that felt meaningful to me was possible. As soon as I began to understand that I could medically transition and wind up with a female body at my age, literally days later my egg cracked. I think about this a lot because I wonder how many people I interact with are that one critical step away from being able to see the “fetish” for what it really is. Or maybe this was just my particular way of setting up the denial machine.
I realize I’m wandering off the topic but talking about all this is both interesting and something that helps make all those years of mourning an identity I never thought I’d have more meaningful.
I know it’s rude of me to post this here, but I don’t really know where else I might get an answer that might help me. I’m about to turn 23 and I read this a few days ago, after a decade of essentially continuous depression that got much worse last summer. I came to the conclusion that I was trans, and I have a mental trove of evidence pointing in that direction. I was excited at first, but now I feel hopeless again. I don’t trust myself. I don’t even feel like a real person. How could I be? I feel like there’s nothing I can be sure of.
I’ve probably mentally damaged myself beyond repair. I think that’s a fair assessment. I fell down the alt-right hole at 13 and even if I’ve pulled myself out of it, the damage is done. I never learned how to be a person. I never felt like a person in the first place. I liked to escape, but now there’s nothing to escape to. I’m already on antidepressants. I have nobody. I think I’ve gotten so good at lying to myself that I can never know what feelings of mine are real anymore, if I can even feel them in the first place. How can I be right if I feel I’m always wrong? How can I do something good if I’m sure everything is a mistake?
What’s to be gained from living, even if I’m right about this? Probably I’ll keep on being miserable. I’m not a real person anyway. Even if it goes well. Like magic. I’ll probably keep on not wanting anything, being nothing. Someone who isn’t a real person can’t just become one. Something cannot come from nothing. And if I’m wrong? More damage done, and I’m back at square one. There’s no winning.
Frankly, I really think it’s unfair that somehow I have a living human body, and so many people don’t.
I guess the point is that how can I even know what I want, if I feel I want nothing? Or nothingness.
Like I said, I’m really sorry for posting here. It’s incredibly rude and unfair of me to do so. I just can’t talk to anyone. I’m not able to. I’m too afraid to lose what little I have.
Gosh, that's tough, hun. 🫂🫂🫂
So, I guess just to ask: if you're at "life isn't worth it" right now, *why not* give transition an honest try. Like, find a decent gender therapist, do some work on yourself, see what HRT might do for you. And, if you're wrong, you can just stop the hrt and almost everything will go back to the way it was.
In a nutshell, you're allowed to have a second chance at life. You're allowed the chance at being happy. And, to quote Suzie Izzard, if the other option is "or death," why not try the hail mary option?
I don't know I can put into words how seen this made me feel. I think I need to have a metaphorical sit down after reading this, maybe go cry in a corner for a while, idk. In any case, thank you so much for writing it. don't really know what else to say besides that...
Folks like you are why I wrote it in the first place. 🏳️⚧️🫂🏳️⚧️
Two things:
1. I lied to myself for years that I was just cross-dressing and that it was "just a kink". It wasn't. I first transitioned in late 2008, took a break from August 2009 through November 2010, for reasons beyond my control. Transitioned full time that time, and never looked back.
2. I participated in BDSM while my late wife was struggling to stay alive. Being sub to her Domme gave her a feeling of control over a *very* out of control life. I knew that was what I was doing, and to some degree, so did she.
So, this post is very on point with my own experiences. Thanks, and congrats on another fine piece.
I've 'lived in that question' since I was in adolescence. Hell, I think I may at some level known it at age 6 when I secretly put on my sisters princess dress and heels and felt a rush of euphoria and lightness, until my mom walked in and shamed me. Here I am 40 years later with a well developed female persona on Secondlife complete with a vagina. Amanda Romans story felt so familiar when I first read it. I was stunned and yet not really. Transformation stories, erotica (projecting myself in to the woman's perspective) etc. I've been accused of and accused myself of 'sex addiction', online addiction etc. Had a friend ask me years ago: "what are you seeking in your distraction?" I've come to the realization that my online 'distractions', persona and feminine projection isn't as much checking out as it is perhaps 'checking in' yet its highly sexualized to distract me from the real life implications in my sense of identity. Maybe this 'sublimation' you speak of? (duh?) I say to my trans friend I'm not 'dysphoric' but then 'jokingly' say things like 'If I could just get a slight nose job and get rid of this adams apple I'd feel better about myself'. While I have no intentions on turning in my 'Man card' at this point there's obviously some internal reckoning that needs to take place so I can find a sense of peace with myself. I think I'll just stick with 'closeted non-binary' for the time being. :insert eyeroll here:
That certainly does sound like a major sublimation of identity. And... well, saying you're not dysphoria, after that laundry list of what I can only interpret *as* dysphoria is... something else. Have you read the Gender Dysphoria Bible (genderdysphoria.fyi) yet? I think you'd get a lot out of it if you did.
As for internal peace? That comes from self-acceptance. There really is no other way, Danni.
I guess: what would you five years from now thank you most for doing today? Maybe think about that for a while.
I do appreciate your thoughts. Thank you. I do believe Im coming accept it on many levels. Just not sure what to do with it at this point or if I have to do anything. "Managed Dysphoria" was my first pick. 80% of the first section looks a lot like my shadow. That in itself can suck the life out someone and their relationships. Damn.
That's kind of what I meant. If, from what you're saying, you're really only checked in on your life in Second Life and when you're getting to live as a woman online... Well, you can do the math for how much of your life you're checked out for much better than I can.
If you're trans, I'll tell you this: life in the closet is no life at all. I would rather *literally* die than go back to the way things were. What I thought was fine, tolerable, normal?
Torture. There's no other word for what it was like, in retrospect.
Food for thought.
Good point about checking out. A good Tfriend of mine told me once it was literally change or die. She was serious. I'm certainly not there.. at least not that I'm aware of and I'm fairly self aware. Takes a bit bite of your food for thought. Hey, I'm new to this substack thing. Is there a messenger / one on one chat option?
Thanks for responding. That's not how it goes for me. It's nothing to do with humiliation. I think I secretly really want to be a woman and "forced fem" lets me explore that space thinking I have no choice but to be turned into a woman....(which is obviously what I really desire to be). Taking a deep breath if I answer Question 1....what needs are my kinks sublimating? Forced Fem, feminization and Body Transformation "kinks" are on reflection probably all a part of me wanting to be a woman.....Taking an even deeper breath .....Question 2 how can you meet them directly? well I know the answer...but I am not quite sure how I got to this point.... this is really scary.....I think I feel much more comfortable if it is just a fetish, right? I can put it away....it is private and I don't have to do anything about it.....(accept now for the intrusive Gender Questioning that has nagged me constantly for over six months) I am trapped down a rabbit hole!!!
I'm not surprised, hun. In my experience, almost everyone who gets hung up on this question? They pretty much all boil down to afearof consequences. And yeah, that fear is real... but it also doesn't change anything. If you're trans, it's never gonna go away until you do something about it.
“Every single person I’ve ever talked to who was both wrestling with their gender and the kink question turned out to be trans.”…Really great article (read it 4 times now) but I really struggle with this comment. Surely if you start questioning where the kink is coming from….you would also be inclined to start wrestling with your gender identity….(like I have for the last six months) ….surely it doesn’t mean I will turn out to be trans? Forced feminization fetish led to cross dressing / feminization led to questioning gender identity….is this not just gender exploration?
That's not how it goes for everyone. For some men, it's the humiliation of forced fem that's the sexual draw for them--they actively *don't* want to be women, and the idea of being forced into that situation is exciting for them in a purely BDSM sorta way.
That's why I never claim, and wouldn't, that 100% of those sort of kinks come from Gender Feels. It's the differences in why that are so important.
And that, really, is the thesis of the article.
Hi there,
Thanks for your article.
I am very early in the realisation that I am probably a trans woman. I read your post in the hopes that it would knock off the dark cloud of 'just a fetish' once and for all. But, alas it is still there.
All I needed to be rid of these doubts was a satisfying justification of your central thesis, that 'all fetishes serve an unsexual need' is true. However, this isn't argued to anywhere near the level of satisfaction that I was seeking. Indeed a quick scan of resources from trans-affirming psychologists and researchers who are well-respected in the scientific community appear to concur that NOT 100% of fetishes are in service of a nonsexual need.
Here are a couple:
* Meg-John Barker – Queer: A Graphic History (2016) & Gender: A Graphic Guide (2020)
Trans-affirming psychologist and academic.
Explores sexuality and gender fluidity in accessible, nonjudgmental ways.
Discusses how erotic patterns (including fetishes) can be playful, exploratory, and not necessarily symptomatic of dysfunction or unmet needs.
* Joyal & Carpentier (2017) – The Prevalence of Paraphilic Interests in the General Population
Journal of Sex Research, a gold-standard peer-reviewed journal.
Finds that paraphilic interests are common (over 50% of men and nearly 1 in 3 women reported at least one).
Argues that not all fetishes are pathological or tied to deeper emotional needs—some are just variations in normal sexual expression.
***
So.... yeah still struggling with this :-(
I'd dispute your interpretation of those articles--fundamentally, play, learning, and social exploration all serve needs on Maslow's Hierarchy, just higher-level needs. And more importantly, nowhere in here did I speak about dysfunction at any level, because that's neither here nor there.
And as for paraphilia? To be absolutely frank, not only is it a candidate to be removed entirely from the DSM as not only a non-diagnosis, but as a purjoratove, the very author of your second article, Joyal, is openly calling for it to be removed. Check it out for yourself: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2021-48394-006
Pretty hard to have a paraphilia if no such thing exists, hun.
I guess the important thing I'd urge you to think hard about is that whether you're trans or cis, you will *never* be 100% sure of your gender again. The only way to get there is to be told as a young child by someone you trust absolutely; as soon as you really accept that your AGAB and gender don't have to be the same, there'll always be that smidgeon of doubt. So, rather than trying to come to some mystical enlightenment of perfect insight--which is an impossible standard that will only serve to repress you--why not ask instead what would make you happy?
And more importantly, if it was just a fetish? *Who cares?* You wouldn't be harming anyone, and if it brought you more joy in life, I'd cheer you on.
this made me cry, it told me everything i already knew i needed to hear. im afab, but ive always wished i were born a boy, convincing myself that my sexual fantasies were just something weird about me, that i was being that cis girl who fetishes gay men, but i do know deep down its more than that.
I'm very glad it helped. 💜
love the article, but some sentences are a bit confusing:
“Some of the people who were questioning their gender eventually came to the conclusion that they were cis, and moved on with their lives”
“Every single person I’ve ever talked to who was both wrestling with their gender and the kink question turned out to be trans.”
Can you elaborate how both of these can be true? They feel like opposite statements to me.
Or am i misunderstanding something.
Thanks in advance!
Happy to help!
Some people who I talked to who questioned their gender turned out to be cis. However, none of them were people who were also grappling with the kink question. Everyone who reached out to me for help and brought up the worry that it might be a fetish turned out to be trans, in the end.
And, almost two years after writing this article?
Still true.
This was so fricken affirming.
I have an age play fetish and ive struggled to understand it my whole life. I only realized i had always been a girl, in my 30s, but I've wanted to be a little girl since i was still a boy, at the age of 10/11 and when i say little girl, i means like 3-6 years old or so. It's shifted over the years... But like, it's so persistent...
The first time i talked to a therapist about it, she suggested i might be trans, but i waved it off, because i told her I don't want to be a woman, i want to be a little girl, and she didn't push harder. It took over a year more to start actually questioning my gender (and my whole identity and family history).
Anyways, thanks for this. I read a lot of ppls takes and they're usually insightful and nudge me this way or that, but every so often i read something like this, where it feels like a breakthrough lead to me comprehending my world.