I remember asking you questions on FB when I was first starting to realize that my identity wasn't as settled as I thought it was after my first attempt to transition. I didn't want to ask too many questions because I didn't want to seem creepy or some such.
It turns out what I was trying to do was keep an already broken eggshell together with bailing wire, twine, duct tape, and super glue. All because a part of me continued to punish me for not having successfully transitioned way back when, and that I didn't deserve to be the woman I wanted to be.
But the fledgling has to hatch or die. And it was time and past time for me to get up, pick the pieces of eggshell out of my hair, and BE the woman I longed to see in the mirror.
I don't think I have ever thanked you enough.
Since I hatched months ago, I've had others reach out to me about their own identity. Seen one of them hatch. And did my best to treat them with the same courtesy and compassion you and other showed me.
So if I end up being a "big sister", well, I had good advice to start from. *smile*
I think this article is amazing, and needed. I came out about eight years ago and well remember the anxieties I had. I often say exactly what you say, to anyone who's interested in talking about anything related to trans/cis gender: "I never take offense at anything asked in good faith." I assure them that it's highly likely that nothing they say will offend me and, should it make me uncomfortable (which I can't imagine) I'll calmly tell them.
I prefer their asking the "tough" questions. Asking such questions shows that their interest is greater than the risk of vulnerability. Like any egg, we need to foster growth. It's through such communications that people will come to the understanding that we're just who we are, and like them, normal examples of human diversity.
Yes, they may still not understand what "it is" to be and know that one is trans. I'm cool with that. After all, I'm firmly on the female side and cannot imagine what it feels to be nonbinary or agender!
I feel the principle behind that, but the HRC has thrown trans folks under the bus too many times for me to trust them, honestly. Like, deliberately, part-of-the-plan level of threw us under the bus.
Oh yeah. Just to speak to the most recent major betrayal, in like 2010, they were trying to craft us federal legislation to legalize gay marriage, and they included trans equal protection to it *specifically for the purpose of negotiating it away to try to get Republicans to support it*.
Be safe out there, that's important above all. I feel fortunate to live in an area where it is safe for me to have an HRC sticker on the rear bumper as well as a trans flag, beside my Biden sticker.
About five years ago I was on Seattle's HRC Steering Committee. I got to know them pretty well. Indeed, they totally screwed up (and I'm being polite) in 2010. The thing is, they know this and I believe they won't allow anything like that to happen, ever again.
Also, Sarah McBride was (as I recall) their director of public affairs (or something like that). Truly, a delightful person (we spoke on the phone a couple of times) and is now a member of the Delaware legislature.
I'm not feeling all reactive or whatever, defending HRC. I just think it's time to let bygones be bygones and move forward. They have a tremendous presence and lots to offer.
I hear what you're saying, and I vehemently disagree--that was no mistake. It was a calculated, deliberate betrayal. The HRC never cared about trans rights in any meaningful way until Ogberderfel was decided, which fulfilled their charter, and they were faced with the choice of closing up shop or finding something else to rep for to keep the money coming in. Only when it was the only way to keep the doors open did they start repping for us, which means they'll abandon us as soon as it's no longer profitable to do so.
Thank you, but I'll be sticking with the people who've fought for us consistently--the ACLU, Lambda Legal, the TLDEF, and any number of organizations motivated by principle, rsther than finances.
I'm just gonna plop this down as a top level reply because but regarding HRC there was always this website that kind of deconstructed the whole liberal "rights" argument with the stark socioeconomic reality that most queers aren't trying to bequeath seven-figure-inheritances to their spouses.
The one person who I'd consider to be a trans mentor of sorts was a friend who transitioned about twenty years ago. We met years before I transitioned.
She was the first person I came out to after my therapist and my spouse, but for years we almost never talked about anything trans related. Just having her in my life and being able to relax into myself around her was all I needed.
When my egg was near to shattering for good, I was *terrified* that she'd see straight through me. She did see straight through me, I later learned, but she never gave me so much as a gentle nudge before I came out, and I appreciated that.
We've grown a lot closer recently because of shared experience, but I've never thought of her as my trans friend. Our shared gender identity is only one aspect of our friendship, and it's nowhere near the most important one.
I met my mentor in Final Fantasy X|V, she was absolutely amazing. Eventually, when my irl history became too at-odds with my femme persona she basically Professor Oak'd me and I spilled all to her. We drifted apart when I finished the latest (at the time) expansion, but I still contact her with my progress as a way to show my appreciation for her. On my 2-year HRT-versary I sent her a "how it started, how it's going" timeline with my mean-mugged picture I last sent her just before starting HRT and some recently taken pictures. Her response was "YOU. ARE. RADIANT!"
I have found local community now, and I have been a mentor for others as well, both local and across the country. I consider it part of my life's purpose, to be the person who gives permission to others when they can't for themselves.
Thank you for this wonderfully written article. There is so much truth and wisdom in your words, and knowing your experience in the matter makes it all the more valid. Thank you for all that you are doing for the community and for the individuals that you have already helped.
What a beautiful process and so lovingly embraced and shared.
I know it's not always the case and that we all have our differences but THIS is one of the things I love the most about the trans community. People engaging in the act of really caring for each other.
I know I'm not exactly the intended audience of this article as a cis person, but I wanted to drop a note that it was helpful to me.
My partner has recently said some things that point to them likely being trans. I had no idea what to do with that situation (ask directly? give them space? something else? what do??)
This gave me a lot of clarity about balancing being supportive, but not confronting anything directly in a way that feels like pressure.
I did a presentation on writing trans characters for a writing group, and this was one of the slides:
Who needs to know about your genitals?
- Your sexual partner(s)
- Some of your medical providers
- ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ELSE
I've shared some things about my recent surgery with some family and friends and with a support group I facilitate. And even here, I guess. But that's a choice that I was willing to make for myself. Nobody has the right to make that choice for anyone but themselves.
This was a lovely read, thank you! I haven't been visible very long - maybe 6 months after being on HRT for a bit - so I haven't had the chance to be a trans older sibling yet that I'm aware, but I had someone like that for me and I wonder if they even realize it. Just makes me think about how often we do things that we don't fully understand the impact of.
I remember asking you questions on FB when I was first starting to realize that my identity wasn't as settled as I thought it was after my first attempt to transition. I didn't want to ask too many questions because I didn't want to seem creepy or some such.
It turns out what I was trying to do was keep an already broken eggshell together with bailing wire, twine, duct tape, and super glue. All because a part of me continued to punish me for not having successfully transitioned way back when, and that I didn't deserve to be the woman I wanted to be.
But the fledgling has to hatch or die. And it was time and past time for me to get up, pick the pieces of eggshell out of my hair, and BE the woman I longed to see in the mirror.
I don't think I have ever thanked you enough.
Since I hatched months ago, I've had others reach out to me about their own identity. Seen one of them hatch. And did my best to treat them with the same courtesy and compassion you and other showed me.
So if I end up being a "big sister", well, I had good advice to start from. *smile*
Seeing yall flourish is the best thanks a girl could get, Shannon. 💜
I think this article is amazing, and needed. I came out about eight years ago and well remember the anxieties I had. I often say exactly what you say, to anyone who's interested in talking about anything related to trans/cis gender: "I never take offense at anything asked in good faith." I assure them that it's highly likely that nothing they say will offend me and, should it make me uncomfortable (which I can't imagine) I'll calmly tell them.
I prefer their asking the "tough" questions. Asking such questions shows that their interest is greater than the risk of vulnerability. Like any egg, we need to foster growth. It's through such communications that people will come to the understanding that we're just who we are, and like them, normal examples of human diversity.
Yes, they may still not understand what "it is" to be and know that one is trans. I'm cool with that. After all, I'm firmly on the female side and cannot imagine what it feels to be nonbinary or agender!
I agree with every word here. Beautifully said!
A friend asks why I keep a Human Rights Campaign equal sign on my car bumper. "People need to know they are not alone," I reply.
I feel the principle behind that, but the HRC has thrown trans folks under the bus too many times for me to trust them, honestly. Like, deliberately, part-of-the-plan level of threw us under the bus.
Was unaware of HRC's record on trans 😬
Oh yeah. Just to speak to the most recent major betrayal, in like 2010, they were trying to craft us federal legislation to legalize gay marriage, and they included trans equal protection to it *specifically for the purpose of negotiating it away to try to get Republicans to support it*.
That is the definition of "thrown under the bus".
The equality sign feels safer to display than a trans flag here in a deeply red county. Which is an insight in and of itself.
Where I live, even the equality sign can get you into some bad situations. It really does speak a lot about where we are heading as a society.
Be safe out there, that's important above all. I feel fortunate to live in an area where it is safe for me to have an HRC sticker on the rear bumper as well as a trans flag, beside my Biden sticker.
at a certain point, I think people end up saying 'fuck it' and just go all out:
https://bark.lgbt/@rail_/111959814671499497
tbf the "I have teeth" sticker is also a "please break into my car" sticker so ymmv
About five years ago I was on Seattle's HRC Steering Committee. I got to know them pretty well. Indeed, they totally screwed up (and I'm being polite) in 2010. The thing is, they know this and I believe they won't allow anything like that to happen, ever again.
Also, Sarah McBride was (as I recall) their director of public affairs (or something like that). Truly, a delightful person (we spoke on the phone a couple of times) and is now a member of the Delaware legislature.
I'm not feeling all reactive or whatever, defending HRC. I just think it's time to let bygones be bygones and move forward. They have a tremendous presence and lots to offer.
I hear what you're saying, and I vehemently disagree--that was no mistake. It was a calculated, deliberate betrayal. The HRC never cared about trans rights in any meaningful way until Ogberderfel was decided, which fulfilled their charter, and they were faced with the choice of closing up shop or finding something else to rep for to keep the money coming in. Only when it was the only way to keep the doors open did they start repping for us, which means they'll abandon us as soon as it's no longer profitable to do so.
Thank you, but I'll be sticking with the people who've fought for us consistently--the ACLU, Lambda Legal, the TLDEF, and any number of organizations motivated by principle, rsther than finances.
not me feeling point #6 very strongly, spreading degenerate queer propaganda by linkdropping 'Against Equality'
I'm just gonna plop this down as a top level reply because but regarding HRC there was always this website that kind of deconstructed the whole liberal "rights" argument with the stark socioeconomic reality that most queers aren't trying to bequeath seven-figure-inheritances to their spouses.
http://www.againstequality.org/
So much love and wisdom in this; thank you!
The one person who I'd consider to be a trans mentor of sorts was a friend who transitioned about twenty years ago. We met years before I transitioned.
She was the first person I came out to after my therapist and my spouse, but for years we almost never talked about anything trans related. Just having her in my life and being able to relax into myself around her was all I needed.
When my egg was near to shattering for good, I was *terrified* that she'd see straight through me. She did see straight through me, I later learned, but she never gave me so much as a gentle nudge before I came out, and I appreciated that.
We've grown a lot closer recently because of shared experience, but I've never thought of her as my trans friend. Our shared gender identity is only one aspect of our friendship, and it's nowhere near the most important one.
I met my mentor in Final Fantasy X|V, she was absolutely amazing. Eventually, when my irl history became too at-odds with my femme persona she basically Professor Oak'd me and I spilled all to her. We drifted apart when I finished the latest (at the time) expansion, but I still contact her with my progress as a way to show my appreciation for her. On my 2-year HRT-versary I sent her a "how it started, how it's going" timeline with my mean-mugged picture I last sent her just before starting HRT and some recently taken pictures. Her response was "YOU. ARE. RADIANT!"
I have found local community now, and I have been a mentor for others as well, both local and across the country. I consider it part of my life's purpose, to be the person who gives permission to others when they can't for themselves.
Thank you for this wonderfully written article. There is so much truth and wisdom in your words, and knowing your experience in the matter makes it all the more valid. Thank you for all that you are doing for the community and for the individuals that you have already helped.
What a beautiful process and so lovingly embraced and shared.
I know it's not always the case and that we all have our differences but THIS is one of the things I love the most about the trans community. People engaging in the act of really caring for each other.
Thank you!🙏🏻
I know I'm not exactly the intended audience of this article as a cis person, but I wanted to drop a note that it was helpful to me.
My partner has recently said some things that point to them likely being trans. I had no idea what to do with that situation (ask directly? give them space? something else? what do??)
This gave me a lot of clarity about balancing being supportive, but not confronting anything directly in a way that feels like pressure.
Thank you!
That's wonderful to hear! And if you want, there are a couple of other articles on the site for partners like you!
I did a presentation on writing trans characters for a writing group, and this was one of the slides:
Who needs to know about your genitals?
- Your sexual partner(s)
- Some of your medical providers
- ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ELSE
I've shared some things about my recent surgery with some family and friends and with a support group I facilitate. And even here, I guess. But that's a choice that I was willing to make for myself. Nobody has the right to make that choice for anyone but themselves.
This was a lovely read, thank you! I haven't been visible very long - maybe 6 months after being on HRT for a bit - so I haven't had the chance to be a trans older sibling yet that I'm aware, but I had someone like that for me and I wonder if they even realize it. Just makes me think about how often we do things that we don't fully understand the impact of.